Father's Day Message

[poofy]

My DF and myself have never had a great relationship, he's a very difficult person. As years passed our relationship eased a bit and although not ideal was pretty much as good as it was going to get.

A few years ago my DM started to treat me very badly, lots of insults, deliberate tactics to confuse me and telling my DF one thing and me another. I caught her out with this a fair few times. I tried to explain to her that she was ruining our once close relationship but she wouldn't stop.

After one explosive tirade I didn't go back to visit because other things were going on in my life and I didn't have the strength to deal with that as well. I always meant to reconnect but that proved impossible in light of more drama that went on via post afterwards.

I've still sent cards and gifts and received them in return. I was ill over Christmas so I only sent a card but sent gifts for Mother's Day and birthdays. My DF's name is no longer on the ones I receive, I don't know if he's still alive. I no longer get texts or replies from my DM, usually thank you messages for gifts and cards.

I don't like telling my DM too much about my life (ie. illness) especially at that point because I was pretty vulnerable and relying on my partner. Neither of us needed any drama going on.

I've been really unwell and stressed these last few days, I haven't even left the house and barely eaten. I'm exhausted and still need to work and sort things. I haven't arranged even a card for Father's Day.

Should I send something from Amazon and let it be late with a quick note to say I've not been well and it was the best I could do? I'm still not keen revealing that I've been ill but my Christmas card was on time and this wouldn't be. I can't think of anything else to say.

I could send him a text but given our situation that might be worse than nothing.

Has he made any effort to be a good father, or even an ok one? You say you don't know if he's even alive. That would be awful. If he died and your mother didn't let you know. Would you not hear some other way?

I suspect he's like my own dad. He wants an easy life in the moment and won't stand up for you.

I haven't decided (yet) that I definitely won't message my father. He has stood by and not stood up for me while my mother has projected a long list of shit on to me. She will not talk to me, the ONLY way to fix things is to accept that I am paranoid, sensitive, angry and unhappy (amongst other insults). If I don't accept her view of me, there is no way to be in the family. And my weak father says nothing, does nothing, never stands up for me. BUT.......... I don't think he sees it exactly like my mum does. And maybe that's all I want. Just to know that he knows i'm not unhappy, entitled, et cetera.

I will probably not message my father. He hasn't stood up for me. He threw me under a bus for an easy life.

I could send him a text but given our situation that might be worse than nothing.

IF you want to - & I seriously hope no PP urge you to - there is a way of re-framing it.

"Happy FD, wishing you well by text this year instead of card, because as you didn't respond to previous cards, I wondered if DM intercepted/hid/didn't tell you about it. Sorry to mention that - but you know she has form for getting between us.
So I wanted to let you know I AM thinking of you - & make sure you do actually get to know that this time around. It's sad mum is choosing to blank me, but I hope you are doing well.
etc"

Don't hold out any hope though.

Also - if your mum is that controlling, she probably monitors his phone.
In which case I'd be even more motivated to send something along the lines of the suggestion above - because these are the facts - but you must do what feels right to YOU.
You do not need to pander to your mother by avoiding Naming The Behaviour.
How can the situation be "worse"? She's been ignoring you, & playing triangulation games between you & your dad. Fuck whatever she thinks of you dealing honestly with your dad. Really - fuck that noise! Don't enable it by pussy-footing. Being kind to cruel people doesn't have an osmotic effect on 'em. It makes them despise you, & treat you worse, because they equate kindness & love with weakness.

Sounds like he's convinced himself that he's not the one actively 'punishing' you, but his spineless acceptance of your mother's treatment of you IS a punishment, innit.
Small wonder you've been stressed in the days leading up to FD.
It's not just a coincidence, or solely other factors. This is bound to play on your mind.

So sorry your parents are being rubbish. Are you aware of the Stately Homes threads? You'll find like minds & some solace there.

@ChairPose9to5 I hear you.

Shit, innit? Congratulations on holding your own ground in a gaslit swamp.

She will not talk to me, the ONLY way to fix things is to accept that I am paranoid, sensitive, angry and unhappy (amongst other insults).

Aha - but! You HAVE fixed things. It's not ideal, but it's about as optimum as you can get. You do not accept your mother's narrative. You are clear in your own reality.
With parental influences like yours/OP's/PP's - THAT is a massive win.
For YOU.
Sod what the bullies & enablers think.

xx

@ChairPose9to5 I'm not saying she's done that but it's the kind of thing she would do. He's not young. There would be no one else to tell me. I did try looking it up but I got far too upset.

My DF tried here and there but often behaved terribly. He also arranges things in ways that don't make any sense or actually cause problems and then got my DM to guilt me into going along with it all. There's clearly a mental health aspect to it all but in part he's a very angry person and I think he needs conflict and things going wrong to blame for the anger he feels if that makes sense.

Due to his hard life he was always a bit jealous towards me and sabotaged things for me. Whether he fully knew he was doing that I don't know.

It's odd how you mention a quiet life. In my case I think my DM pandered to my DF to make her life easier and then they switched roles in a way. I'm not convinced that mental health is as big a part of my DM's behavior as she actually admits to quite a bit of it.

I can relate to what you say about fixing things. It took me a long time to accept that there wasn't some solution that I'd either not thought of or that might present itself in time. Really, if she wanted to fix it, she'd have to listen and for some reason that seems impossible.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you I'll mull that over. I have been on SH and the relationships board in general for some time. It's taken me quite a while to get this far into understanding things.

FD has really put the wind up me this year. I'm quite conditioned to be a doormat and worry about what my family will say/think or feel. I did send him a birthday gift which wasn't acknowledged and he didn't sign my 40th Birthday card the month before. I wouldn't not send a card out of spite or anything but it seems to me like he's not around anymore or doesn't want to know.

Thank you for this validating post 🍷

Poofy, it is so fucking hard for you re: your dad - the "not knowing".

Both your parents are game-players, so whatever you decide is the optimum way forward for you, please do NOT fall into the "kindness in others works by osmosis" trap. By which I mean this - "I wouldn't not send a card out of spite or anything" - you are not obliged to be the model of good behaviour in service of your family, OR in your desire to not 'become like them.'

Apologies if you alreayy know this - it's something I struggled with for a long time. That I had to present perfection, in case I accidentally became like my mother. (As if!) Or in case she picked up on an imperfection, & abused me for it.
The thing is, you are human, & it's perfectly valid for you to feel you might want to throw in the towel.

Your dad can't be arsed to respond to you. So much so that you worry he may have died. You would NEVER have done that to him!
So why do you feel you owe him (or yourself) a higher standard of behaviour?

Two lessons I learned that helped - my oldest mate, talking me through a hangover one sunday after an over-indulgent party: "Smiled, did you really think your friends stop loving you 'cos you fucked up? Who taught you that? How can you not know that we love you FOR your fuck-ups, not despite them? When someone genuinely loves you, they love your faults as well as your good points."
And
A counsellor: "Smiled, do you feel slightly ... smug about your ex's screw-ups with the money he got from you via divorce?"
(He blew the lot on extensive round the world trips & a sports car for the OW - which she gratifyingly wrote off. They now have to pay expensive rent, instead of being near mortgage-free as they could easily have been).
When I finally admitted that - yeah, it felt good, it was such a surprise that instead of being asked to "work through negative feelings", she roared with laughter & just said "well done."

It's about being a human, & allowing yourself to respond as one - not as a perfect angel.

Apologies - didn't set out to me-rail but seem to have managed it.

TL:DR - you are allowed to behave less than impeccably about sending cards/acknowledgement to someone who doesn't offer you the same courtesy, Poofy. 'Father' or not.
Anyone who gives a shit about you will clap you on the back for it.

@ChairPose9to5 It was a pleasure. x