18 year old daughter BU or me ?

[quickoneagain]

I am at home six hours by train away from where my daughter is, presently.
She was at a concert last night with her friend and then went clubbing. They travelled together. Friends got drunk and was a bit messy. My daughter is seething. She said she ruined her night.

Friend woke up, still drunk and my daughter is asking me to collect them three hours away from here and drive into city.
I'm currently minding a sick relative.
I think it's very unfair to ask me. I told her to ask the friends mother to collect them if it was too much of a hassle or get a taxi from one train station to another and come home by train. I would then collect them an hours drive away if friends mother wouldn't.
They are not in danger. My daughter is just annoyed that she is left minding her friend but I am also busy with sick relative .
They are re also hungover, not in danger and have along day of travelling.
My daughter will take the piss where she can, when it comes to my generosity and plays on my guilt like a master fiddler. I have a very busy and stressful life at present. This counts for nothing with her either.
Thoughts?
AIBU.

I think its fine for her to ask you, she's got in a pickle. I would say you can't but help her decide on an alternative. Like taxi or train.

How was she intending to get home from the concert? Why can’t she do that?

They are 18, getting pissed has consequences. YANBU

She's BVU. And demanding and selfish.
Tell her to get taxis and put money in her account if she's low on funds.

I actually agree but feel guilty 😢

It’s kind of good that she asked because that’s what teens are meant to do when they’re stuck. And it’s also fine to say no. Just try to respond calmly saying you really wish you could but you can’t because you’re looking after sick relative. Explain how she can get home and also that you understand why she’s upset but to try to be patient, she’ll be home soon. I think it’s easy to forget what it’s like being young and trying to work everything out.

She didn't demand, she asked. And there's nothing wrong with asking, and there's nothing wrong with being told no.

How were they originally getting home?

tell them- go get a McDonald’s and a full fat coke and ace it up.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. If she’s old enough to be out there hours away without asking you (which she is), then she’s responsible for getting herself home. Emergencies are different, clearly (eg she’s broken her leg or something), but, as a pp said, these are the normal consequences of going out and getting drunk!

My love, do not feel guilty.
She's 18 not 14.
Start setting some boundaries and don't let her manipulate you into doing something you can't and don't want to do.
She'll sulk but get over it.

^ this

Make sympathetic noises and offer advice (bottles of water, pain killer, sick bags for train home) and let them sort it out. I would pick up from local station.

And there's nothing wrong with asking

People say this a lot - and I totally disagree. Asking for something cheeky is poor form, because it puts someone else in the position of having to say “no”. And not everyone feels confident/able to say “no” (and CFs prey on this fact and can use it to their advantage!). This thread illustrates that; the DD has asked for something unreasonable and now the OP is feeling bad and guilty.

it is a big ask
they will have to put up with it,
it could be her over doing it one day
a hangover can be recovered from

She’s only 18, she is still learning. The worst thing would be if she didn’t ask for help when she was in trouble.

carbohydrates
irnbru
sleep

@WimpoleHat yes and the OP said her daughter has form in this sort of cheekiness so time to reign in it I think!

Assuming your DD knew about a sick relative, unreasonable of her.

Your daughter 'takes the piss where she can' because you allow it. Tell her no and let her get on with it. I wouldn't do it even without the sick relative.

How were they planning to get home?

It's fine to ask - i have driven a couple of hours when one or other of the DCs has been stuck for reasons beyond their control.
I also think it's ok in this case for the DD to ask, but it is definitely ok for OP to say "sorry, can't manage it". A few hours drive is a lot of effort and money in terms of fuel etc.

And I'm also interested to know what their original getting home plan was? is DD only calling because she's annoyed with her friends? I learned early on, and taught my DCs to always be able to get home independently if necessary.

It sounds like they’re just hungover and feeling lazy not stuck. Yanbu they can find they’re own way home

tell her to get to McDonald’s for burger and full sugar coke then train home. I’d collect from a nearby station.

She's taking the piss.

What if she was living independently? At university maybe?

I wouldn't even be considering it.

But she isn't people. She is op DD.

I always want my kids to feel they can ask me anything, but equally they know I have no issue saying no.

What was her original plan for getting home?

Tell her 'No' without guilt.

Theyre old enough to go that far away to a concert & get hammered, they're old enough to get the train home!

No need to drive an HOUR to a station either, she can get trains/bus to your local station.

you've got enough on your plate without wasting your day driving miles to pick up an 18yo that's annoyed with her friend.

it should go without saying, but this is MN, totally different if something terrible had happened or she had hurt herself.

hope your relative has better soon 🌷are you getting help to help them??