To be feeling a bit hurt?

[Cleopatra2022]

My two primary aged children are running around this morning gathering up my DH’s gifts for Father’s Day, making additional hand made cards for him etc. On Mother’s Day they barely looked at me and had to be prompted to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.

I’m feeling a bit sad and hurt though obviously not showing it. I do everything for them and my DH is the “fun dad”. In reality this is because he’s pretty lazy and so isn’t nagging at them to brush their teeth or tidy up after themselves etc.

He will roll out of bed at god knows what time and they will be all over him. Meanwhile I will have got them breakfast, helped them solve their rubix cube that has had them in tears, finished doing their laundry and ironing, packed their bags for after school sports clubs etc

I know I’m probably being a bit of a brat but it just sucks. I’m tempted to tell them that from now on they can rely on their dad to sort things out for them. See how they get on on their birthdays if he is in charge. There’s be no more parties that’s for sure! But I won’t. I’ll carry on doing what I do and hope that one day when they are older they will realise everything I do for them.

This isnt really about Father's Day

This is about the bigger picture. If you are a SAHM, I'd say fair enough you do all the laundry etc

If you work, then you need a fair division of housework and chores

Also, how he treats his own mother on mothers day gives you a clue how he feels about you

Are you a SAHM?

I work full time. We have a cleaner. I don’t do my husbands laundry. But I do all of it for the children as like I said he is lazy and his standards are much lower than mine. He’d never check they had clean clothes for school or make sure they had everything they need. It would all be last minute and stressful. I don’t want to live like that or have my children live like that so I sort it all.

Well stop enabling his laziness. Draw up a list of weekly tasks and share them out fairly.

She gets flowers sent last minute after I stopped arranging it for him several years ago. But yes the birthday and Christmas cards and gifts she gets are arranged by me. Since I stopped doing things like that for him she only gets things from the kids now.

Father’s Day aside

You seem to actively dislike your husband

The children are clearly very excited

try not to spoil it by being grumpy

don’t do it for him, do it for them

I can’t disagree with that. Having children and getting older has made me wonder what I ever saw in him tbh.

I’m not being grumpy. I’m not expressing how I’m feeling to them.

You can do better, OP. Don’t let him pretend to the world he is a good father and husband.

Your post focuses on the kids, when it’s your DH who needs a rocket up. Time to sit down with him, explain how you feel and agree which jobs he’s going to pick up.

I agree you come across as jealous, resentful and like you can’t stand your own husband.

Ah, yes, OP should just shut up and put up 🙄

I’m tempted to tell them that from now on they can rely on their dad to sort things out for them.

Its not their fault that you and your husbands marriage doesn’t work though is it? They aren’t doing anything wrong. I get why your sad, but I’m guessing as they have gifts etc you’ve enabled this by buying things and helping them anyway, so stop sulking about it. And maybe address the problems in your marriage as you really don’t sound like you like your DH.

So at this moment in their childhood, fun dad is their favourite. But raising children is a long game, and different parenting styles and input are needed (and valued) at different stages. Your contribution may not be the most visible or prized right now, because young children are superficial with limited understanding, but it won't always be the case. Meanwhile talk to DH about a bit more consistently in approaches so it's not always good cop/bad cop.

Thank you! You are right and have made me feel a bit better.
I could be a bit more fun but I’ve been cast in the role of bad cop simply because my DH doesn’t really parent. He will do the school runs and ferry them around in the car but the rest just wouldn’t happen if left to him. I could talk to him about it ( again) but nothing would change.

I’m not sulking. I’m venting to you guys because I’m not letting on to my children that I’m sad.

It can hurt. My kids dad has worked overseas for 7yrs out of their 14 and 18yrs of life. Yet sometimes I think they think of him as a hero and he’s paying for their Uni with the money saved. He went there for his career though and I’ve paid for everything for them in their lives. Bar some holidays and laptops he’s provided. Yet he will be the hero saving them from years of debt. I don’t ever let it show but privately yes I do think it sucks.

If it helps, they probably love you more than him. They feel reassured that you love them (and as kids they don't normally recognise the need to reciprocate) where as with dads...they may be less sure of his pride in them so they are driven to work harder to impress him.

To them, you're already their person.

But it doesn't harm to always remind them when it's mother's day and ask how a mum might feel if her children didn't give her cards for mothers day. Have that conversation with them. And other talks about empathy. To help develop it.

You also need to raise them to respect themselves to. So lead by example with their dad - if he disrespectful you or doesn't value you, leave. Teach them the value of empathy but also, to have kindness for themselves.

I think your hurt is justified but it needs to be directed to your husband not your kids. Obviously something needs to change, what are you going to do about it?

You have a DP problem..

How are you going to change this?

Mine are 20s/30s now. I felt like you at times when they were younger. Tbh, I was never a small child's idea of 'fun' by nature. I came into my own in their teens. Now as adults, they adore me and often acknowledge the things i did when bringing them up, and how secure they feel i made their childhood. I wish i could go back and show my younger self how it all panned out.

But you will be very grumpy and off with their father

and this will impact on them negatively

op - you dislike your husband

i think it’s time to start thinking seriously about whether you want your children to grow up in that kind of atmosphere

You have a DH problem.

Go tell him to get up and help sort the kids stuff out. Why haven't you before? Or have you and he doesn't do anything about his behaviour?