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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with parents

24 replies

uhohwereintrouble · 18/06/2022 06:59

I don't want to go with my parents as they are a handful.

I have two boys: Twins aged eleven. And my partner has kindly offered to take me, my boys, his kids and his parente to Center Parcs in the Summer Hols, we've never been but heard lots of nice things about them. It's taken us a while to get to where we are now. We didn't introduce our kids to each other for a few months but always made sure to talk about what was going on, I dont lie to my children and anyway kids are too smart and can tell when we're hiding things. But after all the bumps and struggles our kids love each other and we're a happy little team now.

I've always let my kids know I'm their team and now they have Mum's boyfriend as a number one fan as well, Partner has a boy and a girl (7 and 4) and we pretty much said the same thing to them I think the words I used were "You have Mummy and Daddy as your team. I'll be your cheerleader"

Over the last few weeks we've been discussing introducing my kids to my partner's lovely parents, they seemed pretty eager - I'm suspecting its the fact that they now have two "extra" grandparents which means more presents but my parents want to be there to somehow "protect" them from the scary strangers they're going to meet. I told my Mum they'd already sort of met over FaceTime because his parents live a distance away.

My Mum thinks I'm going to somehow "Scar" my children and that two boys need "Mummy and Daddy together" She's in denial at the fact we're not together. My ex cheated on me and they still somehow think he did no wrong. I'm dreading my Mum coming on this trip, I want to be petty and tell her it's cancelled then just go but not post anything. I know my partner and his parents won't, they dont have social medias.

AIBU in telling her not to come but going anyway? Would any of you tell a little white lie to get out of an awkward uncomfortable situation

OP posts:
SapphosRock · 18/06/2022 07:05

I'm confused, was your mum supposed to come on the trip too?

Or are you asking whether you should go away with your partner's parents and not tell your mum about it?

Cheesybiscuits01 · 18/06/2022 07:05

No way would I take my parents in those circumstances. Sounds like they would be rude and embarrassing. I would go and not tell them. Are they even invited? Sounds like your partner is paying so really not up to your parents to invite themselves.

Cervinia · 18/06/2022 07:06

Sounds like your mums jealous of the addition of new “grandparents”. I wouldn’t tell her it’s cancelled, if she ever finds out it will be really hurtful. In hindsight it may have been better for them to meet for a couple of hours in a restaurant rather than a full on holiday, presumably in shared accommodation and together 24/7.

I would be on edge all week/weekend

picklemewalnuts · 18/06/2022 07:08

It's not an uncomfortable situation.

You have been invited on the holiday, your parents haven't.

Do your parents plan on inviting DP's parents to every event, too, or are they just not planning on including your DP's kids in anything?

They are feeling left out, and worry they'll be replaced as favourites. Just reassure them that you'll do nice things with them another time.

AuntieStella · 18/06/2022 07:10

You say in OP who's coming on the trip, and that doesn't include your DMum, then later you say you're dreading her coming. How did she end up invited?

I don't think you should lie about the holiday taking place - that's a really horrible thing too do to someone.

But if she's regularly sounding off, then you interrupt one of those with, and say that as she disapproves, you will work on new patterns of contact, so she does not have to spend time in a set-up she finds anathema (and of course that includes not holidaying all together)

Or you could do what everyone does in these circs, which is nothing. Tempering the dread by hoping for a breakthrough in relations, thinking of ways to choreograph the holiday so eveyone gets breaks from other, and vowing never to invite again if she remains a joy-sucker

Original poster
uhohwereintrouble · 18/06/2022 07:11

@Cheesybiscuits01 My parents invited themselves. I have no bloody clue why as its only a three day thing 😳 I hardly see my Mum, we Facetime but that's about as much contact as we have right now. She's still on probabtion for something that happened over Christmas and upset my DC's

OP posts:
Original poster
uhohwereintrouble · 18/06/2022 07:12

@AuntieStella My Mum invited herself which is what she always does.

Myself and my siblings have been low-contact for a while. There's so much I could say but Im pretty sure she'll find this post and give me a lecture

OP posts:
HaveToSaySomethingHere · 18/06/2022 07:14

Is this for a pre-holiday, get to know you meeting? Or do you mean the actual holiday. Either way, I wouldn't bring your parents too. It would be like a big, (weird) cross-party summit. But I wouldn't hide it from them. Just tell them and get it over with.

ToadiesCouzin · 18/06/2022 07:14

Have you invited your mum? If you haven’t, don’t, she doesn’t even need to be part of a conversation about it. You don’t need to tell her you’re going if you think that will cause less drama, and it sounds like she would cause drama. It doesn’t sound like she’s been very supportive about your split, which is her one job. If you’ve already told her about the holiday (hopefully you haven’t invited your parents), make it clear that they are not invited. If you need to be specific about reasons, be specific. Call a spade a spade, and tell them that as she doesn’t accept your new relationship, they can’t come.

balalake · 18/06/2022 07:14

I don't think it should be a holiday for your parents.

ToadiesCouzin · 18/06/2022 07:18

Ah, I didn’t see your reply. You need to un-invite them! As you’ve been non-contact before, I’d be tempted to do it again. They sound like they have serious boundary issues, who invites themselves to someone else’s holiday? Do they know where you’re going and dates? If they do, and you think they’d just show up, can you switch dates?

Wallywobbles · 18/06/2022 07:21

Stop sharing info with your mum. Why does she know about the trip?

pumpkinpie01 · 18/06/2022 07:31

She can't just invite herself on a trip with people she has never met before ! That's crazy ! And extremely rude

Gizacluethen · 18/06/2022 07:36

She wasn't invited so just tell her there's no space. I think you're at full occupancy anyway with 8, I don't know of a bigger cabin at centre parcs. Don't let her ruin it

Mally100 · 18/06/2022 07:40

You need to uninvite her and draw some boundaries fast. She doesn't respect you, because you allow her not to! Good eg is that she is coming on this trip without an invite- no respect for you. I can't imagine what your dp thinks with such an overbearing future mil. You're a grown woman with big kids, stand up for yourself.

picklemewalnuts · 18/06/2022 13:49

You need to woman up to this. Low contact can go no contact if she can't observe decent boundaries.

Tell her that she's misunderstood, she was never invited, there isn't room. Also that no way will you be including all grandparents on all future holidays.

This is going to put terrible strain on your relationship if you don't resolve it now.

Cherrysoup · 18/06/2022 13:56

Tell her she’s not coming. If she’s still on probation for something she did to your dcs at Christmas, they need protecting from her, not her protecting them! I don’t think it’s the right time for her to be involved.

Original poster
uhohwereintrouble · 19/06/2022 19:27

@Wallywobbles I told my Mum this because she invited us to stay as a test trial I guess. She said some nasty things about my boys over Christmas that very much upset them and she decided she wanted to make it up to us by inviting us to theirs for a few days. I told her we couldnt because its the same slot we're having our holiday with my partner and his folks.

OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 19/06/2022 20:06

Tell her she can't come. She can't just invite herself. It's not fair on your partner who's paying.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2022 20:10

Your parents can't just invite themselves. Tell them no, they're not joining you for this trip. Stand firm.

Passthebubbly · 19/06/2022 20:25

No advice really but having just come home from cp wanted to warn you to book absolutely everything now. Restaurants, activities and pool slots as they are nit
running these things at full capacity and it was a nightmare getting booking for anything. When I asked about it they said they were struggling for staff in all the parks

ToadiesCouzin · 20/06/2022 06:56

Is being invited to their home "making it up to you"? If someone had been horrible to my kids, I don't think I'd want to visit them, so it isn't much of a reconciliation attempt. Honestly, they sound vile, I wouldn't worry about being diplomatic in your response to this, tell them they're bang out of order, and if they turn up at CP, they won't be welcome to join you in any activities, and they won't be hearing from you again.

Meraas · 20/06/2022 07:11

@Why are you behaving as if you have no agency, OP? You sound so passive.

Just tell your parents that this trip is to introduce your dc to dp’s parents and they come another time.

I've always let my kids know I'm their team and now they have Mum's boyfriend as a number one fan as well, Partner has a boy and a girl (7 and 4) and we pretty much said the same thing to them I think the words I used were "You have Mummy and Daddy as your team. I'll be your cheerleader"

I’m not sure a kids that young would understand the concept of a cheerleader.

Bunnycat101 · 20/06/2022 07:38

Can’t you just say the lodge isn’t big enough for your parents to come? It sounds like you don’t have appropriate boundaries with your mum.

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