If you have a child with SEN/anxiety/mental health problems how do you keep yourself positive

[frazzledmonster]

Just that really. How do you keep yourself positive, how do you keep fighting and pushing for your child? I'm having a low day and it all just feels so relentless and hard work sometimes. So much effort (referrals, waiting lists, meetings with teachers etc) so little gain. Particularly when I compare to those with NT, happy, healthy children including my younger DC. It feels like we are fighting a battle that we have already lost sometimes, even more so when my child's challenges often make them angry and lash out at us.

This is just letting off steam really - I know my DC has less challenges than many, and others have other difficulties (financial, health etc). But practical and emotional tips would be gratefully received.

I try to be kind to myself and look back and congratulate myself for always trying so hard even if nothing worked.

Yes I broke down lots. Yes I sobbed lots. Yes I felt like a shit mum. But with hindsight I did everything I could at that time. So I say to myself that in 8 years time I'll look back at me now and feel the same.

Another thing I do is sometimes space out medical appointments when I feel its all getting too much (2 DSes with SN plus my own health issues). Ds1 has been recommended to try a new therapy and the therapist said we should start in June to get 2 or 3 sessions in before the holidays. Ive decided we'll all benefit more from a break so he ll start in September.

I'm not a supermum and I can't do everything all at the same time.

I really feel for you. I work in a school and you get to know the children with mental health struggles. You also get to speak with the parents who are totally lost. I suppose you just battle on through and hope to god your children come out the other side.

For me just acknowledging it’s shit helps me! DD has Down Syndrome and I know hand on heart it’s not the Down Syndrome that’s the problem, it’s the lack of funding, services, acceptance in society that is the issue and that’s what I always try to remind myself. She is a bloody joy to be around and that keeps me going.

It’s bloody hard, I am the only neurotypical person in my house. DH DD and DS all have ASD/ADD/ anxiety etc and both dc are just taking A levels so massive extra pressure

fortunately I’m a very positive organised person, I try to take the approach that there are some things I can’t change and others I can plan and sort, the rest can go to hell

it probably helps that I’m physically disabled and I’ll so they all have helped keep me going rather than giving up many years ago so it’s a kind of quid quo pro

mumsnet is my only outlet these days, all my family are dead and friends are long gone due to complexities.

For me I've had to accept that I can't change my daughters diagnosis, I'm still learning to accept it (asd, mental health and I feel she also has Asperger's but they lump all autistic people in the same mould).

I know her best and I do all I can, but also accept I won't be able to have the life o thought I'd have.

It's a good question...

I had a moment earlier today, where I really lamented my DC not being "easy" in comparison to NT children.

I think it's really, really important to acknowledge things are hard. Things are shit. Things are unfair. Cry, rant. It's when I try to push those feelings down that ultimately it gets worse.

We need to vent and feel our feelings to move past them.

Other things that I like to do are practise gratitude and remind ourselves and each other of the good times. Try to have fun and see the best in things.

It is bloody hard and actually when I find the occasional mum who also has a kid with SN it's such a relief to share together how hard it is.

I also try to find something positive- my DC have ADHD and dyspraxia. It causes us lots of problems (especially with DC who also is hypersensitive and has anxiety).

On the plus side, they are a lot of fun and love being active so we do lots of activities and sports with them. Last year we did a sort of DIY activity holiday: canyoning, cycling, canoeing, outdoor swimming, acrobranch, hiking... it was fantastic fun. They have a lot of stamina and energy.

My kids never just pootle around finding calm things to occupy them. So its exhausting. But like I said, fun

I have good days and bad days. It is hard.

what’s helped me is accepting support from Social Services through a Child in Need plan. I’m lucky we have had fantastic SWs, who essentially act as a Project Manager to getting my son the support he needs. We have regular meetings with all the services involved and she makes sure my voice is heard and that definitive actions come out of the meeting from those services.

We've just had a three hour meltdown because she's coming down with a cold and can't taste. I've woken up with an horrendous migraine and just want to lie down. She can't cope with me being ill and keeps goading me and hitting. Bloody lovely weekend !!!

We had some fantastic support from SS too via Post Adoption Support (which I do realise isn't an option for most). They were the first people that seemed to listen and then actually do something, rather than just putting more jobs onto my list.

@TeenPlusCat
Yes we had help from the Adoption support fund but only once we had a diagnosis of dyspraxia. That got him some play therapy which was good.

We now have the diagnosis of ASD and ADHD on top of it but had to wait 2.5 years for CAMHS. I wish the ASF would pay for helping the get the diagnosis

I gave up the booze and am now sober. I try and do yoga or go for a walk a few times a week (just for 20 minutes). I use the yoga and meditation to disengage from it all a bit and step back as otherwise my anxiety about them is completely overwhelming. I'm a single parent (kids are donor conceived so no other parent at all) and I have DD1 who is 14 and autistic with ADHD and DD2 who is autistic with a PDA type profile. Both are increasingly not attending school and their mental health is going downhill and there is so much to worry about - so I make a really conscious choice to find some space in my head to disengage, and I also really try to seek out some joy in my life. Otherwise I can see the rest of my life will just be really really grim and I have to have some joy and some pleasure!

It’s the associated behaviours my dc has with his SEN that are absolutely exhausting. I don’t feel the same way about not wanting to change him, but to change society. If I could take away his SEN I would.
I get so sad, frustrated and actually having spates of thinking ‘why us’ when I see other typical families and think about everything we miss out on and my other DC haven’t done
I was told this week it’s called chronic sorrow. I’m sorry for you op you’re entitled to feel how you feel

Thanks for all the replies and ideas.

@lollipoprainbow I hope you are feeling better. I hope you afternoon has been calmer.

@FancyAnOlive I think that is a really a good idea to disengage more and find joy and happiness of my own. I have spent too long thinking if I just do more, try harder etc I can fix things which just isn't possible. You can help and fight their corner but ultimately can't solve everything for them. I also do a weekly yoga and definitely think trying to do some daily would be v helpful.

@Grapewrath

Subscription to a self care box with blurt
gardening
mMy dogs

i have my nails and toe nails done one a fortnight but I alternate so done each week

i read and listen to audio cd

gardening has been the biggest difference

if I see something nice for me I buy it - eg £35 for a gorgeous shawl
off Etsy 3 years ago I didn’t and now I think bugger it I will love it and use it.
nice perfume and bed spray

@Grapewrath 'chronic sorrow' definitely sums it up sometimes.

@PeakyBlinda that's interesting to hear your perspective. I always wondered what it looks like from the teacher's perspective. Dds current teacher has been extremely supportive, (much better than her previous one) but they can only do so much.

Hi op , it is bloody hard! Our Ds has asd adhd and spd.people often ask me how I cope and the truth is I don't have a clue what I'm doing I just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, some days are harder than others and im in bits by the end of the day and other days are better. like someone else said above I celebrate the small wins. I think what helps is when I stop comparing and just accept that things are just different for us and find our own normal If that makes sense. There was a time not so long ago when I was drowning in depression I'm now on anti depressants and am feeling so much better for the most, I think it's important to take time for yourself aswell I know that's so much easier said then done but when I've done something I enjoy or had some alone time it gives me perspective and I feel ready to get stuck back in again. Don't beat yourself up for feeling how you feel it's ok to find it hard it's ok to say I'm struggling here I hope there are better days ahead for you x