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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and partner- please help me

20 replies

Pleasehelp1234789 · 17/06/2022 18:09

◦ My mum and my partner don’t get making him really poorly. I understand my mum doesn’t like him but AIBU to say this hate needs to stop? Me and our daughter love him to bits, he’s blood amazing with her gets up to do feeds, takes her out when I’m tired and need a couple of hours sleep, does all he cooking and house work apart from kitchen (my choice he annoys me how he cleans kitchen 😂). I don’t know what more I can do. My mum believes that the reason our DD I’d clingy is because she’s with us all the time but we go baby groups and she sees people all the time. My grandparents deal with the crying and she settles but it seems with my mum that the second she cries she hands her back so I feel like I can’t win. Please can someone advise because I don’t have a clue what to do and I’m so stuck 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasehelp1234789 · 17/06/2022 18:11

Sorry half of this didn't post- the reason my mum doesn't like my partner is that he's a recovering alcoholic- if any context my step dad was an alcohol and died of this when I was 14 (I found him dead)

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2022 18:13

Why doesn’t she like him?

FlissyPaps · 17/06/2022 18:44

We need more info here.

  1. How old is your child?

  2. What is your relationship like with your mum?

  3. How long have you been with your partner?

  4. Has your mum always disliked your partner?

  5. Is your main issue your mum not liking your partner, or the fact she sees your DD as “clingy”?

Fernticket · 17/06/2022 18:55

It sounds as if your Mum has decided that your DP is going to turn out like your stepdad. The difference between them is that your DP is a recovering alcoholic, rather than being a non recovering one.

Original poster
Pleasehelp1234789 · 17/06/2022 19:29

Never liked him, been with him3 years. Baby is 5 months and yes seems mum is main issue is that baby is clingy xx

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 19:38

5 month old babies are supposed to be clingy

Onceuponatimeinalandfaraway · 17/06/2022 19:40

How much contact do mum and so grandparents have with baby? Is it babysitting or just visiting for cuddles or do you live with any of them?

FlissyPaps · 17/06/2022 19:42

If you’ve been together 3 years you probably need to accept she doesn’t like him. Is she rude to him in person?

Regarding the baby, 5 months is very very young. Clingyness is normal in that age group. Why is your mum concerned about this?

JimmyShoo · 17/06/2022 19:49

How long has he been sober? Has he relapsed whilst you’ve been with him?

it could be that your Mum has seen some behaviour that has reminded her of your stepdad?

Original poster
Pleasehelp1234789 · 17/06/2022 20:02

So they see her a few times a week couple of hours at a time. Went she was really young she would go to anyone (suppose this is normal) but as she's got a little older and got a personality she's more clingy. I'll be honest I was more worried about my grandparents but they take the crying in their stride, take her out to the garden, walk around with her and she settles. I agree that maybe mum sees that he's just my stepdad- he did have a relapse about 2 weeks before I gave birth which I'm positive hasn't helped the situation

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 17/06/2022 20:09

he did have a relapse about 2 weeks before I gave birth which I'm positive hasn't helped the situation

Ok now I understand why your mother isn’t too keen.

Taking it that he hasn’t drank since relapse he’s been sober for 5-6 months. That’s not a very long time, especially with a newborn I can totally understand how your mum feels.

Do you speak to your mother about your partner? Does she tell you why she doesn’t like him? Is she concerned for you and the baby?

You say the main issue is your mum saying the baby is too clingy - but that would be the least of my worries atm.

Merryoldgoat · 17/06/2022 20:12

What does a relapse look like? A few drinks and regretful?

Or a week long bender with violence and abuse?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 20:13

Your mother feels the way she does because she's watching you make the same mistakes she did.

Being raised with an alcoholic parent in the home is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a child. If he starts drinking again, he needs to go, permanently.

GrazingSheep · 17/06/2022 20:16

I think your mother is hyper aware of what she went through with your step father and she is probably afraid to see you on the same pathway.

Original poster
Pleasehelp1234789 · 17/06/2022 21:09

@Aquamarine1029 I agree completely if he picks up we're gone no questions asked, may sound unreasonable but I feel my mum feels this will just happen as it did when I was young. I've just recently got back in touch with my real dad and she threatened that she will tell him all about my partner and that he won't want him anywhere near due to what she says, she's all rang social services who said as he's attending meetings and doing everything he can they have no concerns. It's almost like she doesn't care about me but just wants my child, sorry if I'm being a knob about that part

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 21:14

I agree completely if he picks up we're gone no questions asked, may sound unreasonable but I feel my mum feels this will just happen as it did when I was young.

Because it probably will happen exactly as it did when you were young. Your partner is an alcoholic, and relapses are very, very typical. I hope you fully appreciate this and don't keep taking him back every time he falls off the wagon, probably what your mother did time and time again. Do yourself a favour and learn from her mistakes. You've already made quite a few.

GrazingSheep · 17/06/2022 22:02

How bad was his relapse?

LIZS · 17/06/2022 22:17

So while you were heavily pg he chose to prioritise drinking. Is it any wonder your dm is concerned? Does your p work, what steps has he taken to avoid further lapses?

Herejustforthisone · 17/06/2022 22:42

Have you posted before about him @Pleasehelp1234789 ? I remember something like this… when he relapsed.

Sapphirensteel · 17/06/2022 22:46

I can understand your dm having concerns. Alcoholism is awful to live with, extremely damaging to everyone involved but your DP is trying to stay sober by attending meetings. Does he have a sponsor ? You and he both have to know that a relapse from him means you and your baby are gone.
Your baby’s clinginess is normal, a part of her development. I imagine your dm is trying to say it’s abnormal and due to her insecurities about your dp’s drinking.

Having lived with an alcoholic who became abusive verbally, then emotionally, then threatened violence it’s hard for me to say stay, but I do have respect for alcoholics who try to get sober. I’ve seen how deep rooted their addiction is.
You can always get support from AlAnon.

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