End of my tether with stbexh - how do I manage this?

[Jadetreesbringluck]

I have numerous posts on here about my stbexh - I have tried to manage our co-parenting relationship as amicably as possible. Separated for over 2 years now. However, it seems the more supportive and flexible I have been the more he takes the piss. I am now basically going grey rock - which is hard but at least Im not getting as involved in his shit. I have told him I only want to talk about maintance (not getting any at the moment - have had 300 since last NOVEMBER) and child access.

I working full time - hes not working (again!) but due to start a new job in 2 weeks. I have just taken both kids on a two week holiday so this week I asked him to have them Wednesday night, as he had not seen them in ages. I had to lend him my car to bring dd to football match. (He has no car AGAIN!) and he didnt bother going. This is the second time over the last month that he had my car for the sole purpose of bringing kids to their activities and for some spurious reason or another he didn't take them.)

I asked him to have them yesterday also as I had a birthday dinner to go to and an early meeting this morning that so needed him to cover school run (they get bus so its just walking them to bus stop).

Initially he said he couldn't have them as he had no money for food (again!) so I gave him a bag of food from my house for dinner and school lunches.

This morning I got a call from the school to say both children did not have their swim gear with them (I reminded stbexh yesterday and gave him their swim bags!) and asked me to bring it in. I called ex numerous times but no answer (history tells me he is gone back to bed) so I had to bring it into the school.

He is supposed to have them tonight - but txt me this morning to say he had to go to town this afternoon and so the kids would be coming here after school. Grr! They have drama class tonight and football in the morning. I had planned to give him my car so he can take them to activities however I as he keeps letting them down I now have to reconsider this as an option.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Do I just have to accept that he is nothing short of completely useless and just do everything myself or do I persevere with trying to get him to cop the fuck on?

Im in two minds here: He has proved himself unreliable so I just accept this and do everything myself

OR

Is this just the easy way out for him? Im picking up the slack so he doesn't have to? Just like the strategic incomptence I have had to deal with throughout our marriage.

By the way his new job is in another city and he is giving up his flat here so for the foreseeable he will have no where to house the children so god knows when he will have them overnight again.
I work full time, have a part time business and 2 volunteer roles - while he is sitting on his arse. Bringin them to drama means an hour drive return and a 1.5hr wait, so bye bye my chilled evening (and a glass or 2 of vino) and another early start in the morning for football....while he DOES NOTHING.

Assume he will do nothing, rely on him for nothing and sor tout your childcare yourself.
More costly and difficult for you to have a life but ultimately better for your blood pressure and mental health and most importantly your DCS are not in the never ending cycle of Dad did not turn up, fecked up and we got into trouble,

For 2 years until he left his first DP - I was it if he did do anything turn up etc - I spent most of the time in shock staring into space with those few hours of child free time - I wasted it!! To be fair I was knackered! If he said one more time. to me at 1700 on a random day in a random week when he had turned up unannounced and playing Father of the fucking year - you can go out for a drink with your friends tonight - like they did not have lives, kids etc and could not drop everything to meet up with - I would have chopped his bollocks off!

Expect nothing, plan for nothing that relies on him and life is simpler, more expensive and ultimately more tiring for you but muh less stress

I would of told the school to contact there dad to ask about the swimwear I wouldn’t have dropped it off

i would stop enabling him and giving him your car for a start

If you didn’t give him food he would of had to eat surely?

I've been there. The way I stopped it cracking me up completely was to just accept he was shite. Stop running the kids to him, lending him your car, asking him to have them, sending food when they go. I know why you do all this, I did it all too, but when I stopped taking them to him it became very clear he wasn't going to bother at all.
I know you shouldn't have to accept this terrible behaviour but honestly, he won't change so the sooner you accept it and only focus on the things you CAN control, the better it will be for your sanity.

I also gave up asking for or expecting anything and felt much better for it. Which is dreadful really and I hate to think that DC think they should have no expectations of fathers/men. But I'm so much calmer now and ex has stopped messaging nonsense I guess because I no longer respond. He slags me off to DC which isn't great, but I hope DC can see for themselves the reality of the situation. I never insult him to DC, but I no longer lie for him either.

Yes, you have to accept he is nothing short of useless. He isn’t going to change. Stop lending him your car and picking up after him.

Yes, you accept the incompetence and stop asking for or expecting any useful help. It’s a ball ache but ultimately less stress.

I find my ex does this as a way to control me so I never rely on him and never ask him for favours. Get a great baby sitter who you can rely on and you'll feel less stressed.

You’re not his partner any more so stop acting like it. No more wife work.

it’s not benefiting your DC. He doesn’t do what he says he will. This is who he is. You can’t change him as a person. I know you want to protect your DC and for them to have a strong bond with their dad but it simply isn’t going to happen. Because of who he is.

Use that energy instead on creating a happy calm peaceful life for you and your DC. Strengthen their bonds with your extended family and friends. Yes it’s not what you wanted for your DC but it’s actually a pretty good life filled with good role models and happiness. That’s important for them.

Sadly you need to detach and assume all responsibility and that he won't bother seeing them.

Assume as I did that he will never parent and do everything yourself. Don't waste any more time on him. not your problem if he doesn't want to see his kids.

You can't protect your DC from the fact that he is a shit father, I get why you're trying to fill the gaps in his parenting for them but it really is a pointless exercise. They have one good, stable parent (and that's more than some kids get) so concentrate on you, on being the best you can be for them and let him fuck up all on his own. You're wasting time, energy and head-space on him when you could be channelling it all into your own life and being the best mum you can be for DC, just stop

When XH left, I ensured that I had childcare sorted and re-negotiated my work hours to correspond with the childcare so that I didn't have to rely on him any more (and it was SO stressful! He'd go AWOL at the drop of a hat and leave me up shit creek). Sure, it was pricey and tiring for me, but it made my life SO much easier. When covid hit, wraparound childcare stopped and my DC went to my brother's house to stay there (I'm a nurse). After first lockdown they came back and I begged XH to pick DD up from school (to enable me to work my full hours). I even offered to pay his bus fare. That lasted two weeks before he turned around and told me that he wasn't there as a childcare option (NB he's DD's father FFS!). So I managed to source a childminder who was prepared to take on DD (lots refused as I was working on a covid ward).

I've learned that I'll never ask him to do anything like that again. It's made my life much easier, less stressful and means that I can actually plan things and not worry about him fucking those plans up!

Assume he will never be available, sort yourself some good emergency childcare. I did this and it turned my life around, I no longer had to do my ex 'favours' in response for him 'parenting' his children. Once I had this in place when he asked me for things, said he had no food, needed to borrow the car I just ignored him. It made my life soooo much better..

Stop enabling him to be a twat and a let down op

Stop fixing his fuck ups.

No car? Not your problem

No food?not your problem

As sad as it sounds don't rely on him to take drop off for clubs etc either do what you can do and get help elsewhere or maybe after school clubs? Childminder?

Honestly what is he actually taking responsibility of?

Bugger all.

Youl never get your life back while having to sort him out.

Ring his parents and let them know if there's a problem.

Pass the buck

I know you are all right. Its just so bloody frustrating and feels like I'm just letting him get away with doing sweet fuck all. I have childcare sorted I have a good job and enough money to provide for them 100% so they are not missing out (when with me anyway). I really wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad but I think its time I realised he is who he is and he's not going to change.

Really kicking myself for ever marrying him what the fuck was I thinking!!!!

He is nc with his dad. Mother dead. Only child.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour in my experience. He's showing you repeatedly and clearly that he is useless and cannot be relied upon to get even the basics in place.

It's time to accept the fact that you're going to have to make up for his shortfalls as a parent, it's not fair but that's the deal with this one. Not with bags of food and car loans but setting yourself up to be able to do 100% and if he shows up sometimes it's a bonus.

The kids have got a shit dad at some point they are going to realise this is part of their story. It's heartbreaking, but no amount of you bending yourself out of shape and trying to diverting disaster because he can't get his sh*t together is going to change this.

You're not on your own x

And get on to CMS for their money

Unfortunately I'm in ireland....there is no CMS 😩

As others have said, you need to take full control of parenting. It seems that he’s only interested when you make all the arrangements. The children will have noted all this and won’t thank you when they’re older for enabling him to be a rubbish dad. If you are short on time then give up your volunteering, surely family comes first.