This is so ridiculous but I’m posting to prove I’m not crazy…
been with OH for 2 years. I am 36, him 32. Engaged and living together for the last 4m.
bear with me because I don’t want to drip feed
OH has only ever had 2 relationships
first relationship 2009 age 18 - they were together for a year total. When he met her she was in a relationship with someone else (we will call him John). She “couldn’t decide” between OH and John for a while but eventually stayed with OH. She later had a threesome behind his back, they broke up, he forgave her a month later, then she eventually left him. All this in just one year. He was devastated, suicidal he said. He loved her and she said she loved him.
For the next 6 years he admits he was embarrassingly hung up on her - think Facebook statuses about missing her, dreaming of her on one occasion in 2015 (!) saying she’s his perfect girl, he will wait til the end of time for her, misses her etc. During this period he is desperate and trying to find a new girlfriend but with no success.
age 25 he meets his next girlfriend, not keen on her but his mum threw him out of the house so he moves in with her. She has a 3 month old baby and the dad isn’t around. OH stands by her and the baby for 3 years. This girlfriend is physically and emotionally abusive to him. She also regularly cheats. They then end the relationship in 2018, but she doesn’t move out until 2019.
he then meets me end of 2020.
he tells me he messaged first girl (we will call her amy) right before he met the second girlfriend, but she didn’t want to talk to him. Bear in mind it had been 6 years!
For a few months every time I ask him something he brings up amy. For example “do you like cheese?” “Amy liked cheese”. He says he’s trying to share his life experiences. I compliment him and he says “amy said that” and says it’s because it was an odd compliment. I ask if he loves her still (no) if he thinks of her (never) if he wants her (no) and what he’d do if she came back (nothing). I asked this because I felt he was hung up on her.
Things go well, it’s a good relationship although OH is emotionally very immature and Doesn’t seem to know how to be in an adult relationship (not his fault given he’s never really had one). I was married for 10 years so we are very different.
fast forward to a few weeks ago…
amy adds OH to Snapchat. He adds her back and they talk. She basically says she misses him and asks if he ever thinks of her (he says not as often as he used to but things remind him of her), she asks if he would meet her and he says no because he’s engaged but that he would if he was single. He says her adding him is a mindfuck. He says he waited for her and she was all he thought about. She says feelings don’t go away and he puts a sad face.
now bear with me because here it gets ridiculous.
i then get added by her to Snapchat and she sends me the screenshots. I then see that he’s messaging her at the same time as me, but her first. Telling me he loves me while telling her he thinks of her.
i confront him. He says he never believed it was her and was trying to catch her out. She then texts him, and he shows me the screenshots and here he is blatantly trying to catch her out by asking questions only she’d know the answers to. I point out that what he said on Snapchat wasn’t catching her out.
turns out it wasn’t even Amy in the first place, it was his abusive ex pretending to be her. So now OH is saying he knew all along it wasn’t her etc but I feel like because amy doesn’t want him, he’s turning to me.
we argue as he doesn’t understand my point of view. He says he’d talk to her if he was single and hear her out, maybe give her a chance because she’s familiar and it’s easier than meeting someone new. But then says he wouldn’t give his other ex a chance (odd given that she’s more resent but hey ho)
he can’t possibly even know Amy after 12 years… she was 17 when she dated him and she’s 29 now…
its all ridiculous and childish to me. The man is just shy of 32 years old. Clearly hung up on his high school ex , all she did was lie and cheat and hurt him, they only lasted a year.
to be honest I feel like he’s with me because she didn’t want him, and he said all he said because she came back too late. He’s trapped now as I have kids he’s stepdad to and we are TTC.
OH is quite immature emotionally and admits this. But I find the whole situation ridiculous and I want no part of it.
he is adamant he doesn’t love or want her and added her out of curiosity… but to be honest I think he will say whatever he has to say to keep me.
AIBU to think he did wrong and needs to let go of her or is he unreasonable?