To be bored of a routinely relationship?

[helenar310]

I moved in with my boyfriend last month, and we’re really happy. But part of me wonders if such a set routine etc is boring or whether it’s just standard life!

We do things together on most weekends (we will both spend time with our own friends and then do something fun together too). In the working week we usually just go to the gym/go on a run/have a lazy evening and then prepare lunch together before bed. He says he loves it but I can’t help but feel we should be doing more.

We do still plan date evenings for the weekends. We also still have sex probably 4 or 5 times a week.

I can’t help but feel it’s part of routine though. For example, when we lived apart and only saw each other twice a week, my boyfriend used to text me more sexual things/pics or build up to that evening. We would also plan a fun evening a week. He also used to text me more enthusiastically during the work day.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable, because he said of course things will change now that we live together. He says that I should know how he feels about me now, and we don’t need to always talk about it or be really excitable.

So, am I being unreasonable for thinking:
a) things should still be exciting and enthusiastic? He is still lovely to me but yeah, and
b) a weekly routine is boring? Or is it just part of adult life?

I think life is boring really, no matter how good it is, when it becomes routine it’s just more of the same isn’t it.

Lol, you’re not wrong. I think it’s just where we didn’t live together before it was much more exciting and built-up (and also he was much more “can’t keep my hands off of you” as he hadn’t seen me for a while!)

Think your expecting the honeymoon period to last forever. It doesn't work like that.

Welcome to reality unfortunately!

In terms of what you’re doing I think what you’re describing is on the better side of normal for a “grown up” living together arrangement.

That routine helps provide stability. The toning down of things like the sexual comments helps prevent exhaustion (because if you’re seeing each other every night instead of a few times a week sexualised discussion can feel like pressure to deliver when you see each other. That can become a bit much for most people (and even begin to feel routine itself as it’s so much more frequent).

If what you’re looking for is a stable, long term relationship. Maybe kids. A financial partnership. Etc. then it’s hard to be successful and avoid this routine.

But that sort of life may not be what you want. Or now may not be the right time for you.

I think this is normal for longer term relationships especially where you live together.

Maybe you’re not ready for a LTR and want to play the field a bit more?

Ultimately it does tend to be a choice between “security and depth but a bit routine” and “excitement and novelty but a bit uncertain”.

Welcome to life!

The most sexual thing we text to each other these days is asking the other to buy a bottle or milk or not forget it’s bin day 😂

That's what happens after you move in with someone. And yes, it's disappointing that everything becomes mundane. For me, it's the beginning of the end of my sexual desire for that person. Which slowly drains away until there is none left. But that's just me, there are many who can sustain it, hope you're one of the lucky ones, OP.

Hmm I think it’s just because I feel if he did all these things before, he could still do them now if he wanted to. And I also never really lived with anyone before so I wanted to know if these ‘boring’ routines are just part of normal adult life!

I feel if he did all these things before, he could still do them now if he wanted to

Bluntly, he doesn’t feel the need to as much, because he sees you more. That’s normal.

Do you make just as much effort in every way as you did before? Or maybe you never made much effort and he did the running??

Same.

It doesn’t sound to me as if you’re ready to move in with someone. Whose idea was it? Would you prefer to have stayed living apart? How long have you been seeing one another?

You shouldn't be bored after 1 month.

If you still have parents alive ask your mum!

Yes, life does devolve into humdrum routine unfortunately but that makes the highlights even more special. Sadly it’s a fact of adult life with a live-in partner and then ….
you’ll become his mother, housekeeper, chief bottle washer!
Give it time, you’ll see!

Did you move in quickly? It sounds like you still want the thrill of a new relationship (which might well be fair enough, but the thrill of 'newness' doesn't generally co-exist with comfort & domesticity).

Or (and particularly if this is newish relationship) is it possible you're not that into him? DH and I have been together a long time, with everything that entails but I still look forward to seeing him, we do a lot together, have fun etc. A lot of that is exactly as you describe though - out exercising / doing outdoorsy stuff, nights out or weekend excursions, cooking together and so forth.

To be brutally honest, exercising together, prepping food together & planning stuff each weekend is more than many cohabiting couples I know. I'm not saying it's right btw (I'd hate to be in a relationship where 'fun' was something had out with the girl / lads, but I know they exist).

Yeah I guess that’s it, it’s not every weekend but this weekend he’s just doing things with the boys, and having a relaxing day with me which is great and I do encourage it - I just worry that I’ll become the one he’s happy doing nothing with before he goes out with his mates.
Weve been together 2 years and I don’t doubt it’s him I want to be with! I hate the idea of dating etc. I just wanna have his initial excitement and enthusiasm back

My and my partner had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years and honestly when we did make the decision to move in together I initially felt disappointed. The excitement and urgency when we saw each other was gone as we were now together all the time. And we’d also do what I think of as passively spending time together, so we’d be together as in we’d be in the same room, but we wouldn’t be conversing or actually enjoying one another’s company.

Fast forward 5 years and we’re now married with a young son and happier than ever. I think part of that came from just accepting the honeymoon period doesn’t last forever, it does become “boring” living together. But also we both make a very conscious effort to plan things and make each other feel special. Date nights, planning weekends away and holidays, cooking together, watching series together. I think relationships ebb and flow, there will be periods where it’s less intense and exciting, as long as you both put in effort it won’t go completely stale.

Nearly all sustainable relationships move from the 'In love' phase to the 'love' phase which is calmer and stabler and allows you to put your energies into other parts of yoru life so it can progress, instead of being obsessive about romance all the time.

If you are bored, do something about it. It is not your partner's job to maintain a lhigh level of excitement in your life 24/7. Imo, your life sounds idyllic - seeing friends, time together, loads of exercise. But if you want more - work out what . Go for a promotion, set yourself an immense fitness challenge and ask your boyfriend to join you in it. Plan an incredible holiday together with him.

Butalso, learn to appreciate the small, everyday pleasures of a calm life with someone who loves you. Always looking for the next shiny excitement makes people very dissatisfied with life. It should be possible to feel immensley happy just having a morning coffeein the sunshine with your partner, or a beer after a long run together. Simple pleasures. Don't underrate them.

@goldfinchonthelawn has hit the nail on the head.
It really isn’t up to your partner to keep your life exciting. If you have a 9-5 Mon-Fri job it’s impossible not to fall into routines together. If it’s the mundane, everyday tasks that are making you feel like life is boring, unfortunately you’d have that whether in a relationship or not.

Life is a routine.

Not everyone is cut out to live with their partner. But for couples that do live together, what you describe sounds normal.

It's not for me. Agree with PP who said sexual desire would drain away.

The excitement goes but if its good it gets replaced with something deeper and more meaningful. The routine is just life. But it's all about keeping a sense of fun while being bored shitless at the same time.

I just worry that I’ll become the one he’s happy doing nothing with before he goes out with his mates

I think this is a fair worry and you can say this to him, ask him if he can please think of fun stuff to do together like he used to, not only arrange outings with his mates. But you need to do the same!

OP, you don't have to live with people just because you're in a relationship with them. If you prefer not living with him, do that. You don't have to follow the masses. I have a very happy, stable relationship but we don't live together. I love it! But then I'm probably older than you, with kids in tow.

I voted YABU because I didn’t think what you described sounded boring. It just sounds like normal life but with actually plenty of time spent together and going out.

I agree with the previous poster that if you’re worried you’ll be left doing nothing with him, just talk to him about it and make sure it doesn’t happen.

But you’re not the person he’s content to do nothing with, although that is an important part of a grown up long term relationship. You literally say you both do things together for part of the weekend.