I’m gonna be totally honest here.
I had an extremely difficult birth. I caught COVID at 34 weeks pregnant, was rushed into hospital because I couldn’t walk or breathe etc you get the picture. Bare in my mind my husband is a soldier so we was serving overseas at the time, because I caught covid I was rushed into the scummiest, run down pregnancy unit hospital on the island. No one spoke a word of English, due to catching covid I wasn’t allowed in the private military hospital.
After two weeks of being locked up in a tiny room (jail cell more like), being fed mouldy, inedible food, no access to clean towels for a shower and my husband wasn’t allowed anywhere near the hospital due to covid regulations, I was told I was allowed home. Only I had an ultra sound before they released me, to be told I was no longer allowed to leave because covid had destroyed my placenta and there was no oxygen or blood supply getting to the baby. I was immediately sent to be induced.
3 days of slow painful labour (on my own) and only dilated half a centimetre. On the 3rd day I nearly fainted, had my obs checked to discover I had developed extremely high blood pressure 200/95 and was being treated for preeclampsia. Because of this, I was no longer able to have the final dose of induction or give birth naturally as time was ticking for the baby (who had not grown since 28 weeks) and it was deemed fatal for me.
I was then rushed in for emergency c section, completely on my own in a foreign country with not one English speaking doctor or nurse. It was extremely difficult, and again my husband wasn’t allowed anywhere near. I had to be strapped down to the operating table I was shaking that bad and hyperventilating on the bed it was absolutely terrifying. All’s I could think about was something happening to me and being completely alone like I had been for the last 3 weeks suffering so awfully with no one to talk to and no support.
My gorgeous son was born that evening at 20:48pm, weighing in small at 5 pounds but was absolutely perfect not a thing wrong with him. Didn’t need no incubator, no neonatal unit absolutely nothing. I was still in shock after being stitched up and wheeled out but instantly forgotten about it as soon as I eventually got to hold and see my son for the first time a couple of hours later. For some reason they didn’t show me him or put him on my chest, so I didn’t instantly get that bond. All’s I did was cry when he was taken out in relief.
I was monitored in that hospital for a further 2 weeks, on my own with the baby. My son didn’t meet his father until he was 2 weeks old, and my husband didn’t get to see his son being born. We was completely robbed of the whole experience and beautiful story you hear people talking about.
Despite being flipped around the hospital bed 4 hours after a major abdominal surgery, shouted at in Greek day and night off the awful midwives, constantly fearing for my life as they came towards me having to scream and beg to leave me alone, I was honestly fine. As soon as I got home it was all a distant memory and I really don’t feel effected by anything that happened to me at all. Yes it was traumatic at the time, but now it’s completely at the back of my head and I just laugh?
3 weeks later I collapsed on the kitchen floor and had a severe seizure. Then another a few seconds later to the point where I stopped breathing. Luckily my husband was home and is trained for this kind of horror so was able to bring me back round before the ambulance arrived. I’m now being treated for epilepsy although they haven’t exactly diagnosed me with the condition.
Basically my life over the last couple of months has been a shambles, yet of course the best time at the same time as I now have my little boy. Who is a dream may I add, I am so in love with him. Apart from anxiety regarding the seizures, I really do not feel effected what so ever by anything that has happened to me. But this is where I’m about to go in because what I do feel so effected by is…
The lack of friends I thought I had while returning to the UK. Just to mention as well I’m 23 years old so I’m still very young, and even tho I don’t feel roughened by anything that’s happened it is a massive transition into mother hood. Don’t get me wrong I’m loving every single second of it, as I said my baby is so easy so that obviously helps but it’s such a huge thing to happen to go from a young girl with no real responsibilities to a mother over night, with out everything else on top. And I’m honestly shook at the lack of people, who it thought would be here for me when I got home.
Not there for me in the sense of ‘a shoulder to cry on’ or someone to vent too because that’s not what I need. There for me in the sense of inviting me round for a bru, or a drink. On a night out to let my hair down which GOD KNOWS we all need and miss as we don’t always get the time or the opportunity to anymore. It takes 0.2 seconds to message someone and see how they’re doing, to ask if they fancy a bite to eat or even a walk in the fresh air.
And it’s the same people who I’m on about who non stopped made out like they couldn’t wait for me to get home as if we was going to be spending so much time together, made out like they was going to be a huge part of my sons life and really have only seen him once as a new born if at all.
I’m absolutely thriving and flying through motherhood, which is lucky really all things considered, as I know it could’ve been so different for me and some people really end up suffering. I’m extremely grateful that it hasn’t worked out like that, but I’ll be honest I’m really struggling with this side of things.
Of course I know having a baby does mean you can’t do what ever you want when ever you want, and that’s not what I’m bothered about. It’s the fact that these people know what I’ve been through, they know how tough it was at the time and bare in mind my husband has been deployed for the last couple of months so I’m completely alone again with my son…and it just doesn’t cross their minds to reach out? It’s always me constantly having to make the effort to receive fake love and half ass replies and it resllt truly fucking breaks my heart you know?
I’m a very strong girl, I take everything in my stride, I’m solution focused and I try to not let anything get me down. But this is genuinely crippling me. I really am a good person, and a genuine friend. It breaks me that I don’t receive the kind of love or effort I want and know I deserve at the least. Does anyone else feel like this? It really sucks x