Who pays for the kids 'extras?'

[hashbrownsandwich]

I'll keep this short.

ExH sees kids EOWeekend and pays me the basic rate maintenance (actually slightly less but that's a whole other issue which I've learnt to just suck up over the years).

One of our children has a school residential trip coming up and it's £400. --It's only an hour away, they could have gone to Spain for a week on that.

Anyway, WIbU to ask ExH to pay half? I have a feeling his view will be because I am the resident parent, it should just come out of the standard child maintenance he pays me?

You can ask but as he pays maintenance I think the expectation is for you to cover the cost.

To add, I foresee this becoming something that will occur more as our multiple children together grow up.

You can ask but he can say no. Why are you accepting less than he owes you by the CMS calculation? Get what you’re owed.

Why? Maintenance isn't intended to cover the whole cost of raising a child, just a contribution. He should contribute half the cost as it's an extra unforeseen expense.

In Ireland, typically the settlement agreement will include 50:50 medical, dental, school & one-off costs. (Of course whether the non-residential parent pays them is another question).

I'm always astounded by how crap CMS in the UK is, the way it is calculated and the tiny amounts mothers (mostly) are expected to rear children on.

In cases of decent nrp, they pay towards them. My DD'S ex is hit and miss. If he's got a gf to fund, then the kids get less.

It's foreseeable that a child will have school trips.

But yes OP get the maintenance you are owed and ask for help towards the extra but he doesnt have to. Mind you neither do you. But then the kids miss out.

By all means ask. He can say no though and rightly or wrongly he doesn't have to pay more than CMS amount

Yes it will. I have teens & pre-teens and especially at secondary school, the unexpected / additional costs are significant.

My ex currently doesn't contribute a penny to these but I am trying to get divorced (still an arduous process here) and these will be included in the agreement. But I expect he still won't pay & realistically I can't go back to court perennially to try & get them.

Obviously I'll pay it myself if I have to, I wouldn't allow my children to miss out. I realise I am fortunate to be able to do that, mainly due to my DH/their step dad earning a decent wage.

and that is the difference between him and you. You don't want your child to miss out so will save or whatever, he just sees a financial arrangement with you.* *

But then the kids miss out

That's the crux isn't it? Decent parents don't want this to happen. In Ireland we have to pay medical & dental costs (broadly speaking) so there have been specific costs that just have had to be paid.

It's a particularly shit parent that decides they won't contribute while happily funding their own social life.

Usually the actual decent parent has no choice but to find a way.

I pay half of any extras like this as I know they’re a big chunk of expense and I’m in a position to do that. That’s over and above my regular (mate than cms rate) payments.

I think legally the cms are to cover the NRPs share of everything, so I don’t HAVE to do this but I should, and do.

whether I’d feel differently if my ex had more income/money than me and I was struggling? Not sure.

Yup I absolutely don't disagree with that

Not that I’m saying you’re well off and he’s struggling, just that at the moment I’m the better off parent so happy to pay (sometimes half, sometimes all of any extras)

@hashbrownsandwich do you actually go through CMS? Agree get the full amount. Basic amount varies OP...afraid its down to your ex character and how well you get on unfortunately. Ideally he should contribute to school trips...ask him!

CMS is a basic minium that the paying party pays... towards the upkeep of the child. As for extras it doesn't cover luxuries such as holidays and spending money for the DC @Assistanttotheregionalmanager I don't know why men think it means they pay CMS and that's it. I think CMS should state this on letters.

I'd ask him to contribute. If he thinks his maintenance means he shouldn't, go through CMS and get proper payments.

What if he’s not paying because he can’t afford to? You’re not paying either, solely - you’re relying on you second husband.

CMS is often a ridiculous amount that doesn’t touch the sides.
Extra expenses like school trips should morally be shared*, but there’s no legal obligation.

You can create a legal obligation if you were married and you divorce and write it into your Consent Order. Mine said we were 50/50 to pay any school trip to the maximum of £1000 each per annum.

*I do think shared doesn’t have to mean 50/50.

Why isn’t he paying CMS and why aren’t you trying to enforce it? (I know they’re useless so there could be a good reason!)

Just as when you’re married you can’t always afford a trip, I think it’s legitimate for an another fair parent to say, “I just can’t afford this one.”

YANBU. The CMS website used to say something about CM helping towards basic living costs and that extras could be agreed between you.

So he is wrong, the maintenance is not designed to cover luxuries and clubs and trips etc.

In my case XH refused to pay for anything beyond the maintenance of £30pw, so I worked hard to ensure that DD never missed out on anything and never asked for anything ever again, after he refused to pay for half of the swimming lessons and half the uniform cost when they started primary and I had a lot to pay for in one go.

Def ask he doesn't have to legally but morally
When my db split with his partner he paid maintenance a little above what he should of , half for uniforms and school shoes , trips and things like that as well as had his kids once a week for tea and overnight and every other weekend. He also bought clothes and things when needed as thats what a decent dad should do

Nope, that’s what a basic dad should do.
But I get your point!

How do you work out who pays for school uniforms, new things for the kids like shoes, bedding, toys, etc?

I have had similar convos with my ex over the years. He too was paying under cms in spite of being a high earner for at least 6 years. He would begrudgingly give me 50% towards annual uniform and occasional trips but nothing else - so all extras and residential trips/replacement kit/blah blah, I funded because I did t want to appear grabby or rock the boat. When I asked to review his maintenance payments (they'd been the same since we separated in 2009) he categorically told me that he had no intention of using the cms guidelines and that he wasn't made of money and I should be grateful he carried on paying towards my then 18 year old (autistic) ds's upkeep after he turned 18 (even though he's on PIP/disabled etc) He then decided to drop payments 3 weeks before Christmas and refused to offer any additional money for trips/uniform etc so I decided to go through cms (advised by solicitor).

Turns out he'd been UNDERPAYING by £600 a month for about 4/5 years. So yeah I'd be going to the cms op because unfortunately all they see is a financial burden and what I see is wanting to make sure my kids have every possible opportunity I can afford for them. I did point out that whatever his contribution to their upbringing was, I paid twice more again to support them and he didn't like that.

It sucks but that's what the CMS is there for and in my case they've been really good!

sounds like a rubbish situation!

m I can’t offer much advice, my ex pays nothing, not even maintenance. He has him three nights one week then four the next so I can’t claim CMS but he doesn’t pay a penny toward trips/clubs/wrap around care he uses. Whole cms situation frustrates me!