To skip Father's Day meal at in laws.

[funder]

My MIL has arranged a big family dinner for Sunday. PIL, DH, SIL, BIL (and both of his parents) as well as the grandchildren in the family.

My own father died very suddenly a couple of months ago. We had a very strained relationship and my PIL just don't get it. They think because I was low contact with him that I maybe didn't care but it's far from the truth. I've never wanted to speak about my relationship with my dad to them before or after his passing so I'm not bothered what they think about our relationship or my reasons for keeping him at arms length.

Anyway, I am really dreading Father's Day this year and just don't want to face the big family celebration. Would I be unreasonable to just duck out of it. I know it's not fair on my DH because he is a father to our child but I just can't face it. I'm happy for him to go with our child, or should I just suck it up and go with them. I know my DH will understand and be totally supportive but the rest of the family might not understand - or will they?

Just get your DH to decline on your behalf, keep it simple, just say it's because you find Father's Day a difficult one to celebrate, so you won't be joining them. It's totally understandable.

I think that if you can't face it then you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You don't have to have been on the best terms with someone to still feel grief - you can never tell how it will hit you. If your in-laws can't understand that, then they aren't worth worry about!

I'm sorry for your loss.
Send your DH along with your DC.
If the In Laws have a compassionate bone in their body they will understand.

Sorry about your Dad
Any reasonable person should be able to understand that you don't want to be at a big Fathers Day event so soon after this loss. Have a quiet day and take care of yourself.

It's completely understandable.

I wouldn't be the least bit concerned what your in-laws think. Their opinion is irrelevant.

I don't understand why you are even going to MILs. Your DH isn't a child anymore. Is this actually a thing in the UK? Why can't you have your own Fathers Day at home with your child as a nuclear family?

My Dad died late last year. I like my in laws but there is no way on this earth I would be celebrating Father’s Day with anyone else’s Dad this year. It would be too painful. Don’t put yourself through it.

@Alb0 I don’t think it’s universal in the UK but my family always celebrate Mother’s Day/Father’s Day as a family - we like any excuse for a big get together!

@Alb0 my DH isn't a child anymore but his father didn't stop being his dad when he hit adulthood. I wouldn't ask or expect him to miss seeing them on Father's Day... I'm happy to spend it on my own.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll just ask DH to tell them I'm not coming and not overthink it.

Your DF doesn't stop being just that because you are an adult. He may actually want to see his own father on fathers day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even when you had a difficult relationship with a parent, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when they die, and all the issues of your relationship with them become a focal point as you grieve.

The main thing is that your DH understands that you can't face it, and is totally supportive of that. The only one whose opinion matters, in your in-laws - is your DH. And I'm sure he'll make sure to make it clear that he understands and supports your absence as you come to terms with the loss of your father, so recently.

Oh OP :( Totally understand. The first Mother's Day after my mum died I went for a run while DH and the kids went to see his mum. They totally understood, wasn't any question of it.

Even 5 years later (and 23 years later for my dad) I still have the option to bow out if I want to, depending on how emotional I feel.

Deffo take some time to give yourself a bit of quiet time. x

Having also recently lost my parents it’s fine for you to sit this one out OP … I would expect the in laws to understand having been there themselves losing parents

I understand that but your DH is now a father himself, and as such you'd think he'd want to spend the day at home with his own child.

@Alb0 sometimes you just will never get it. Its a cultural thing (there being many many different cultural things in the UK). There's no need to be rude.

Absolutely don't go. I wasn't emotionally close to my dad. He died a couple of years ago after a year of v bad health and other problems. It was a nightmare. But he was still my dad. My MIL totally judged my grief and decided it wasn't worth much. Within a month of him dying she had upset me so much it was the catalyst to going NC (a long time coming obviously). None of us have seen PIL for over 2 years now.

Just don’t go. It has nothing to do with your in laws.

It’s what British families do sometimes. Same
goes for Christmas, birthdays etc. good excuse to get together as a group.

Definitely do whatever you need to for you in situations like this. Your PIL may or may not understand but tbh they don't really need to. Whatever helps you and your grief is what's important.

I don't know about you, but my friend had a strained relationship with her father and when he died it was so hard for her as she was also grieving the chance for a better relationship, or for him to become a better person.

Sorry hon I'm NC with my dad too, I get it. Do what feels right for you and if that's staying home then so be it xx

First fathers day after my mother died was when we got to meet the wicked stepmother.

A bit soon to have moved on IMO, but the week before or after and it would be OK, but no, it had to be then.

Haven't spoken to the decrepit old cunt for about eight years and couldn't be happier.

Absolutely fine not to go. DH can tell them you find it difficult but he'll be there. That's all it needs.