Mil doesn't listen to me

[BluebellsInTheForest]

AIBU to request certain things when my in laws look after 4yo ds?
I totally get that as his grandparents, it's nice for them to choose things to do with him and of course, his experiences with them will be somewhat different. However, what I really mean is stuff related to his care and wellbeing.
Recently I've felt like my mil wants to bulldozer over anything I say related to ds and today's latest one actually made me cry. Ds has gone to their house for a few hours as both him and dd are poorly. He's had another bout of tonsillitis and I said to mil before they left that I'd put some water in a bottle that he found easier to drink from. She said she had one of those at home and did he need it. I said that he might need it in the car as he'd been in a lot of pain. She raised her eyes and said no it's fine, we'll leave it here and went. Admittedly, it's only a 25 min drive to their house but it's hot and ds has tonsillitis. Plus, as the parent showing concern for my son, should she not respect a simple thing like taking a water bottle for the car journey?

My DH said to the inlaws yesterday to keep things chilled at their house because ds isn't well (poor thing has h, f&m) too but this morning I also heard them saying to him as they left about getting the sprinkler and hose out in the garden. Ds hasn't been at nursery this week as he's not well and they know that.

Is it unreasonable to ask to be listened to as the parent? And as the dil, it's much harder to be as assertive as I'd like to be with mil. She can be very domineering.

Why are you sending your DS to people you don’t like when he’s ill?

I can see that the water in the car thing was annoying, but if he’s up for playing with water that’s a good thing surely?

the rolled eyes would irritate me. I think I’d have just handed it (the water) my son. It’s hard to know when to put your foot down over ‘minor’ things, I get it.

I think playing under the sprinkler on a warm day is a human right though. I hope he has fun. And hope he is better soon.

Why have you sent him off when he's poorly? He should be at home really....

Without wanting to add to the chorus, why did you send him off ( sorry, adding to the chorus!)

Op how is your relationship usually? Does she listen to DH or boss him around also?

It's just mil eyes glazed over when i was telling her something about dd once, DH also fhen asked " could you please refrain from blah", She did it anyway.

So due to that and other issue's we pulled right back.
Looking back mil was totally rude and incredibly disrespectful!
I should have stood my ground myself.
It's incredibly hard like you said but I'm not sure I agree with this sifting behind DH all the time

He's gone to in laws because my 9 month old is also ill and is needing a lot of care today.

What’s the big deal about your child being in the care of family members who love him when they are unwell? The kid has tonsillitis. Not septicemia.

Forgetting a water bottle is careless. You are neglectful.

Did you read the same thread??

Well as said op we got the stage where mil couldn't be trusted at all
,Two small.dc are gruelling but in the end we battled on without their "help".
Hopefully it's not as bad for you and maybe you can talk to mil .

I think you should be thankful that you have family willing to look after your sick children tbh. Nothing you've written here is particularly concerning and they found like loving grandparents. Your child will be at school from September I presume?

Im of the opinion that your mil was a pretty good to have your dc when they are unwell. Mine wouldn’t have when my dc was small.
im afraid if she’s doing you a favour you kind of have to suck it up a bit or just manage your dc yourself.
Totally ignore the dickish comment about being neglectful- some posters obviously enjoy being deliberately unpleasant.

You are asking them to help take care of poorly children so that you can focus on your other poorly child, so I think then dictating how she takes care of the poorly child is a bit much. She’s not going to force your child to play if they don’t want to, just focus on your baby and trust that your kids will be safe with their grandma (unless you don’t trust her to keep them safe, in which case they shouldn’t be there at all).

I must admit that I , too , am not really sure what mil has done wrong. She is doing you a big favour and is an experienced parent who brought up your DH safely.Compromise is really important to keep relationships going well .The water bottle is mildly irritating at most.

Can you read?

I can't see that she's done anything wrong instead of trying to find imaginary problems maybe you should look at why you can't manage both children when they are sick.

I don’t understand why you sent him if he is unwell.

Most people can and do manage with 2 dc. Your ds is poorly and his dm has packed him off but kept dd. Poor decision made here op.

If your child is to sick to go to nursery they really need to stay home. Yes it can be hard having two sick children but you'll just have to cope. Put the 4 yo on the couch in front of a long netflix movie with his drink.

I'm just wondering how your little boy feels.

I understand where you're coming from as we're having the same issues, mil not respecting rules and boundaries anymore and using poor judgment in the care of DC out of nothing more than laziness. We're phasing out the care because it doesn't matter how frequently we raise it, our concerns are completely ignored.

If your DC is sick they should be home in bed though

Still not sure why you've sent a poorly child to people you dont trust ..i can't see if you are off looking after 9mth you couldn't look after ds as well.....

Dont use the IL for childcare...then you wont get upset about it

These are minor issues really. If you had wanted him to have the water bottle you could have put one in his bag and told him it was there if he needed it and very often children who are poorly 'rally' in the afternoons as they have usually had medication etc and deteriorate again in the evening. So he might well enjoy a bit of sprinkler time, especially as it will cool him down.

I'd also say that if he is well enough to spend 25 mins in a car then he will be fine. But I would have kept him home.

I'd be concerned if my sick child was in the car for 25mins in hot weather with no drink. Not so much for the 25mins, as much as if there was an emergency- roadworks etc- and they were stuck longer.

It's odd to refuse a water bottle for no real reason.

Unless you've made a fuss in the past about things getting lost or forgotten, perhaps?

The reason I didn't keep him at home is that dd is screaming a lot at the moment through not being well and is very clingy which has been bothering ds.

The point of my post was really about my mil not listening to me. There have been so many things. OK, nothing major but I think she completely disregards anything I say as a parent.

You ok there? Seriously?