To think my mum is being selfish?

[cantbloodywaitforabreak]

Mum moved away to be nearer to us which is an hour away from our hometown.

My auntie rang my mum yesterday afternoon and asked if my mum could come down and stay with grandma whilst auntie went to hospital to collect a drink for her endoscopy on Saturday and stay for a few days so she can go to her Saturday appointment aswell.(Auntie is grandmas full time carer)

Mum asked me if I can take her and I said I'm not driving as it will cost £80 in fuel to go down back up then back again on Saturday. However I said I will drop you at a train station that goes all the way so she doesn't have to change as she hates changing stations.

Anyhow she has made up every excuse as why she couldn't travel yesterday evening "not enough sleep" "heart racing fast". I said ok I will take you tomorrow then (today) she has now said she had a text from landlord about servicing boiler today so she can't go. But they are coming between 8-12. So she has the rest of the day sitting around doing nothing!!

She doesn't like staying at grandmas house as she feels uncomfortable around her sister. So I'm thinking she is delaying going so she doesn't have to spend much time staying there as she is due to come back Sunday.

I think she's so selfish I'm running around after her all the time. My poor auntie never gets a break as grandma is 96 and bed bound.

AIBU? DH thinks I'm enabling her behaviour and I need to just starting telling her how it is.

She was supposed to collect the drink today and her endoscopy is on Saturday ive wrote that part wrong.

I think there are two issues here that you're probably better keeping separate.
One is how much you do for your Mum, has she moved nearer to you because she wants/needs that help? In which case you and your DH might need to think about that and decide how much support you offer and how you communicate with your Mum.
The second is the Mum/Auntie/Grandma situation. I'd be very wary if I were you of getting involved with this one. You really have no place telling your Mum what she should be doing. Whilst it probably is hard for your Auntie, this is something they should work out themselves. There might be reasons your Mum is disinclined to be roped in with caring for Grandma which she might not want to tell you about. Tread a line between support and not interfering.

I would stay out of it. Don't offer alternatives, if you don't want to take her that's fine. Family dynamics are weird (speak from experience) you don't know how they work as they are the previous generation. Your mum's feelings around her sister and mother are her feelings, don't negate them. But do step back. You can't help with her travel arrangements, oh dear.

Are you sure it's £80? If I travelled for 4 hours (say 200 miles), and car did 30mpg, with petrol at £1.90 a litre, cost would be £54

I am rather feeling for your Aunt, unwell herself potentially and caring for your Nan. Having cared for an elderly parent I cannot see that feeling a bit uncomfortable gets her out of looking after nan-especially as your Aunt will not be there for long.

Can someone else cover the cost of petrol?

You could contribute towards the cost of a train ticket and drop dm off after The Boiler Man has gone.

Not sure why OP should contribute to cost of the train. She's offered a lift to the station. Really the OPs mum should be sorting out care for the gran which doesn't burden one sister disproportionately.

How old is your Mum?
I think that you should be honest with her. However is it your Aunt's choice to keep her Mother at home? Sometimes one relative makes this choice and then expects other relatives, who would rather be using a care home to help out. Her feelings around her sister might be perfectly valid.

"Really the OPs mum should be sorting out care for the gran which doesn't burden one sister disproportionately."

The Sister could have rejected the Mum's suggestions. The Sister might be volunteering for stuff that would be covered by the care plan for housebound people.

I don't relate to this at all, if it were my grandma I would be offering to go with my mum.

I also agree stay out of it. You don't know why your mum feels this way towards her sister.

@frydae I have 2 kids at school and a newborn baby so not possible.

Mum is 67 when I told her I would take her today I could hear it in her voice that she didn't really want to! I was expecting a call or text this morning with her cancelling.

Mum says auntie is argumentive and can just blow up at anytime. But the past 2 times she has stayed it's been fine.

I will just leave it now and whenever she wants me to go I will drop her at the station.

I don’t understand why she doesn’t just go down for the day both times if she doesn’t want to stay over, an hour each way isn’t much.

I have 2 kids at school and a newborn baby so not possible.

Surely that makes your comment about not doing it because of the cost of fires irrelevant then? You didn't do it because your circumstances didn't allow?

@frydae no I can take her on the evening but I can't stay until Sunday. Auntie wants mum to stay a few days.

I feel for your Aunt, your mum is being out of order. Is she late to collect her things from the hospital now?

Can't imagine not giving my mum a lift. But I suppose it's all down to your personal relationship.