To wonder what I've done?

[Benbofurg]

My baby is 8 weeks old and I can't do this. I've ruined my life and I've only got myself to blame.
Ruined my body.
Ruined my potential future.
Ruined anything I had going right now.
I should have terminated but chickened out. I really regret that.

She's my fourth child, a very large age gap between my first three and her. I've never felt like this before.

I don't want to be with her dad, he's effected my self esteem so terribly. But I can't cope alone. She won't be put down anywhere. Won't fall asleep in her pram. Is awake every 1.5-2 hours through the night. Has reflux. I'm so stuck.

2 of my older children are struggling with special needs and mental health issues. It would have been so much easier without a baby. I don't get a break, no family or friends.

I walked straight from an abusive relationship to this relationship and now this. I had a potential future finally and I ruined it. I'm so very stupid.

She deserves to feel loved and cherished. I can't. I don't know what to do.

Ok, you have it tough atm and a lot going on but… it’s gets easier! Speaking from experience I cried every day after my son was born (v different circumstances) I was so incredibly tired I couldn’t control anything. But give it time, take one day at a time and it gets better I promise.

Hopefully someone wider will be along, but these were the thoughts I had.

She won't be put down anywhere. Won't fall asleep in her pram. Is awake every 1.5-2 hours through the night. Has reflux.

This will pass in time, at least, though no doubt it seems interminable now.

I don't want to be with her dad, he's effected my self esteem so terribly. But I can't cope alone.

You can’t right now, but you are not stuck with him forever. You can have a long-term plan to leave, even if it’s a passive plan for now.

You mention a big age gap. Will your older children become more self-sufficient at some point? From experience, it’s much easier to have only one child at home, rather than three.

Have you sought help with your mental health? You feel you can’t love your baby at the moment, but it sounds like you’re struggling so much with everything else that you can’t really see her for all the baggage. I hope you can speak to someone and get the help you need to see your way through this.

Your baby will pick up on your resentment so maybe that is contributing to her issues of not wanting to be put down?
This phase won’t last forever. You’re an experienced mum so you know this.
Your baby will probably grow into your most loving and supportive child any mum could wish for. Your treasure on earth. Just make a long term plan to fix your relationship issues & in the long run everything will work out. It always does! You’ll see.
I hope you have a better day today. Get out of the house with baby if you can & enjoy some fresh air & sunshine. Before you know it you’ll be feeling better, baby will be thriving & you can look ahead more positively. Good luck Mama. You can do this.

Sounds really tough OP.

Speak to the health visitor about how you feel. It's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed by life with a tiny baby.

You are catastrophising because right now it all seems too much. I promise you, life will not turn out the way you think it will.

You haven't ruined anything, you just have replaced the future you assumed you would have with a future you can't predict.

Focus on now, on today. Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow. Stay strong, you can do it.

I did the big gap baby with new partner. It's a hell of a lot harder having a baby in your late thirties as opposed to your twenties. I was exhausted, my mental health declined I felt like I couldn't cope. I had some CBT, did a mindfulness course started yoga and walking, made sure I was eating well. Things started to feel better and my outlook changed. He's now the love of my life. I hope things improve, try to take it a day (or even one hour) at a time. Try not to get caught up in past or future it will make things feel bigger and worse.