Over bearing mother in law or AIBU?

[Irishpoppy]

I always got on well with my MIL but since my LO came along, I am struggling! My LO is the first grandchild and MIL was v excited but I find her behaviour overbearing and it makes me uncomfortable. She complains about not seeing my son enough (she sees him once a week), when she does see him she insists on holding him constantly. She will sooner pass my LO to someone else than back to me. When my LO is distressed she will try and walk away with him instead of giving him back to me when I ask. I’ve had to go and take my LO out of her arms at times. When I BF my LO she questions if he’s ‘actually due a feed’ and has asked me on numerous occasions when I will stop BF (LO is 7 months) and has implied I shouldn’t BF longer than 6 months. She mentions us leaving our LO with her alone A LOT. I am nowhere near ready for that yet and have made that clear.
I have spoken to my DH about this and he understands and agrees with me and has spoken to his mum a few times specifically about giving our LO back to me when he is distressed. But things don’t really seem to change. I know she wants to have a good relationship with our baby and I want that too but I find this behaviour really difficult and I feel under pressure. Am I just being too sensitive?

It seems that grandchildren (especially the first one) send many normal MIL's a bit crazy!! I'm not sure why as i'm not a MIL. I mean i get they're excited and it's such a special time but some seem to just change and the previously good relationship with their DIL suffers because of it. Ofcourse most grandparents want to be involved are have a loving relationship with their grandchildren but some just seem to cross boundaries and become unreasonable when they should be supportive and understanding and remember they are grandparents to the baby, not the parents. It's a mystery to me why this happens!

It will get better, especially if you started with a good relationship.

My MIL was also a bit intrusive with breastfeeding comments - you need to remember they come from an era when formula was sold as the best thing for baby - some of that generation just don't get it. Keep firm with your responses.

We also had lots of comments about over night stays for my DC from about a week old. We just kept firm and eventually DH said please give it a rest we will let you know when we are ready for DC to have an overnight stay (dc is 3 and it hasn't happened yet).

Keep doing what your doing, firm boundaries 'baby needs a feed, hand him back please MIL, you can pop the hoover round whilst you're waiting .

There were many times as a new mum where I felt visits were too much and comments were too much but boundaries and patience prevailed and she has a wonderful relationship independently of me, with my dc. She's still a bit intrusive but we can't do without her.

No you’re not overly sensitive. You’re a new mum and this is something we all go through. What you need to do is be more confident in your decisions.

So if that means you’re not ready to leave him with others, say that. If she mentions having him on her own- say yes I think that would be nice but I want him to be X months old first, but something to look forward to in the future.

If he is fussing and you want to deal with him, say so. Say confidently you’ll take him and feed him etc. That once he is settled you will give him over for a cuddle.

You need to fill the void- because when you don’t say anything, she is filling that space with her own ideas.
So make it clear every time she says something. Make clear what your position is. Don’t let her think otherwise. Say to your partner too, so she gets the message from both of yoj

Maybe see her when dh is with you and not on your own.. Dh can support you in keeping her in check... Do not agree to any unsupervised time if you aren't ready yet. Remember mil has had her dc. Now it is your time. Don't be guilted into believing she has any rights to a relationship with your dc...

I had a very similar situation. I found it draining. All I can say is, it did easier as my first born got older, then when baby #2 came along it wasn't an issue as MIL had #1 to focus on, which was a big help in the days of a newborn/toddler juggle!

I remember feeling like this a little bit after my first was born. First GC on that side, and my PIL arrived to stay with us the DAY I got out of hospital (in for three days after ELCS). (She has since apologised for this!). And when they came back a few weeks later.

I was massively overwhelmed, bewildered and remember thinking that all I was good for, in their eyes, was milk and nappies. He was so new that every time I saw him in someone else's arms, it felt so wrong.

I mentioned it to my cousin, who had two slightly older children. She said that it's perfectly normal to feel this. But just WAIT til they're a bit older, and they take them off and go and do things/read stories/go for walks etc. 4 years later, both my DS ADORE my PIL. And when they come and stay, they insist on getting up with them early in the morning and giving us a lie in.

So as PP said, first grandchild definitely is enough to send the sanest of MIL a bit doolally. If you have an otherwise good relationship, get through this bit and look forward to the next bit. And enjoy your baby. X

You're not oversensitive - you're caring for your baby's needs, while she's ignoring them. A crying baby should be handed back to mum as soon as mum asks for him.

And (as someone who still breastfeeds past 2yrs old) her BF comments are ridiculous but as others have said, she probably doesn't know what you know about the benefits because her generation was peddled a load of marketing nonsense from formula companies.

Speak to your husband again and ask him to try to make it clear that you want her in baby's life, but she needs to respect your wishes. Or she will he seeing less of her grandson.

When she mentions bf tell her the NHS says you should bf until at least 2 year old but you will see what happens.

Wow! Everyone thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate your advice as well. This is something I’ve felt a bit alone with despite my partners support as it is all overwhelming. So your kind words and support are so helpful.

My mil went batshit crazy. I was breastfeeding as well. I remember going to a family event one time and she took ds away from me saying I could eat more comfier without holding ds but then ds was wriggling and crying as it was his witching hour in. She was sat on the other side of the table with ds in the pushchair and she kept on rocking and shushing ds ignoring how grizzly he was. He then started to cry and she started rocking it even more making shushing noises refusing to give him back to me. I remember I packed everything, said goodbye to the family members sat next to me, got up and walked to mil. I said he is due for a feed and she continued going on about how I should just enjoy the meal and she's got it under control. I snatched the buggy off her where she had her legs still resting on the wheels and I called an Uber and went home. I switched my phone off and since then I've gone low contact. It still infuriates me and I try to avoid threads about over bearing MILs. I would never do this to anyone. You are the mother and the only that relationship matters is the baby and mum/dad relationship. She needs to be supportive not bloody obstructive if she cares about relationships. My own mother was never like this.