AIBU to think this was really rude? Or am I being ungrateful?

[DWofMN]

Posted a long saga recently about my family - but not really relevant. Basically, my DSis has been ignoring me for about ten days now.

When my DN was born, DSis and BIL didn't own a car - I let them borrow my car seat from DS so they could bring DN home from the hospital and for any journeys they had to do by taxi or getting lifts or whatever. It wasn't worth them purchasing their own car seat for such infrequent use when they don't have a car.

I've been asking for it back on and off since I got pregnant, I'm now 33 weeks. By chance, I was due to see DSis over the Jubilee Weekend (not at either of our homes) so asked her to bring the car seat with her and she promised she would. On the day, when we'd driven three and a half hours to get there, she said she couldn't fit the car seat in her car, so hadn't brought it. This was really stressful and really pissed me off because I'm trying to ensure we're prepared for the baby to arrive - and I can't. I said it was fine, no problem, we'll sort another time to get it from her. This is exacerbated because DSis is really unreliable so I had an inkling that my car seat was lost or broken but, given that she'd said she hadn't brought it because it wouldn't fit in the car, I didn't want to accuse her of lying based on an inkling.

Since then, she's not been speaking to me - but I thought that was to do with an entirely separate family drama. In the meantime, I've been admitted to hospital with HELLP, and they're worried about complications of it. They're trying to work to keep the baby healthy and prepare as best they can for a premature birth. DSis hasn't spoken to me during this time, but undoubtedly has spoken to DM who will have passed it on.

Today, a brand new car seat has been delivered to my address - I'm 99.9999999% sure this is a "gift" from DSis and means that my car seat is lost or broken or missing or something.

Here's where I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable: I'm furious, but not sure if I'm being hormonal and ungrateful. Here are my reasons for being furious:

1. She lied to me and said she had it and was bringing it, instead of apologising and saying something's happened to it.


2. She didn't look after the item that I lent her - and I still have no explanation as to what's happened to it.


3. She's been ignoring me, whilst I'm in hospital and unwell and worried about my baby, to avoid having to talk about the car seat - which is really petty.


4. This car seat doesn't fit the rest of my travel system - I bought a specific travel system with DS that's lightweight because I sustained a bad shoulder injury years ago and lifting is really hard for me. This baby seat isn't lightweight and won't fit onto my pram.


5. We also lent her the isofix base, which hasn't been replaced.


6. She thinks that buying me something brand new somehow negates points 1-5. BIL's family are very wealthy and money is frequently given to DSis and BIL (including hundreds of thousands for a house). I feel as though, given that money is not at all restricted, purchasing something new doesn't demonstrate any remorse or apology and is more of an attempt to buy my forgiveness without having to acknowledge any wrong doing or apologise.


7. If she'd spoken to me and communicated, I could've told her about point 4 and she could've replaced the car seat with one that's of actual use to me (at no extra cost or time or energy for her) - but, instead, I now have a problem to fix.

Am I being petty and ungrateful or would you be furious too?

Before anyone says it, I know this is a first world problem.

I would be annoyed too.

It seems she is being very selfish and clearly isn't bothered about looking after an item you have been kind enough to lend to her or being honest so you are aware of the real situation.

If they have lost/broken your car seat, they should replace with the exact same car seat.

If I were you, I would reject the car seat as it doesn't fit your needs.
YANBU - she's being rude.

I recognise your posts. Your family are fucking awful people and you need to step away from them.
Ask your DH to speak to your sis about returning what she bought and exchange it for a like-for-like replacement. You should just focus on yourself and baby right now, best wishes for you.
(and as an aside, if money isn’t a a problem for your sister why did you lend her the car seat anyway? In future don’t do things like this…although based on your previous posts I would just go NC with the lot of them).

Sort of missing the point here but, if BIL's family are wealthy, couldn't they have purchased a car / car seat for them when they had DN?

Given they've gifted thousands for a house etc?

Hope you're OK, OP, and all is that all is well with baby

Also, YANBU! I'd be pissed off too.

It's very immature for her to dodge the issue by throwing money at it rather than being able to hold her hands up and tell the truth. Personally, I would thank her but say I'm sorry, it doesn't fit with my travel system or the base so it's unusable and I would love to get the use out of a car seat, could it be returned and swapped for the one I need? Or, write them off as useless, get your own car seat (which you shouldn't have to do) and send the one they had delivered back to them, and don't speak to them anymore. I think at this point all bets are off and you can handle it however you want, they've started this nonsense.

As the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished op, sorry you were taken for a ride

Thank you. DH is angrier than I am right now so might be best if he calms down before contacting her - but that's a good suggestion. I lent her the car seat because it would've been wasteful for her to purchase her own when they didn't have a car at the time. They purchased a car a while ago and bought their own car seat but I didn't know they'd purchased their own seat until I messaged to see when they thought DN would grow out of it so I could get it back.

Hve you communicated all of the above to her? YANBU and she needs to rectify the problem immediately and with an apology.

I read your other post about your DM and the trip where your DSis didn't bring the car seat and, honestly, given it will spark WW3 if you dare to say anything, I would just find out where it was sent from and speak to the retailer directly about exchanging for the correct one. Then, for the love of God, please kick your toxic family to the kerb. They are awful and they don't give a shit about you.

I read your other thread and your family sound like a nightmare. You are not being petty, travel systems are expensive and are bought to work together, plus no isofix make what she has sent you pretty useless. Not sure what you can do though. Can your husband call her and explain you need your car seat and base back for all the mentioned reasons, and if she did send the new one can it please be returned as its no use without the rest of the system and the base. And if its broken can they please replace it with the same and return the base anyway. I say to get your DH to do it as the conversation might be more polite and helpful at this stage (I would certainly loose my cool with her). Also you dont need anymore stress, HELP is dangerous, so outsource this issue to him.

I didn't even consider speaking to the retailer directly!! How did I not consider that?! I'll get DH to check where it's from on the invoice.

Plus you being in hospital will have scuppered your DM's holiday demands, won't it? And your DB's visit to make you lose weight. Honestly, if you read your posts back pretending to be someone else, you would be horrified by what you read.

Bloody name-change fail. Sorry!

YANBU but why did you say “fine, no problem” when she didn’t bring the car seat as promised? That would have been the time to say “look we really need this back, is there an issue and if so then you need to sort out a replacement of the same kind”.