To think my husbands family are taking advantage of him

[tothemoon_]

I have been with my husband for 6 years now and have gotten to know his family really well. They are a really lovely family however I believe they are taking advantage of his kindness.

Over the last 3-4 years they have consistently borrowed money from my husband. The money always eventually gets given back to us whether this is days, weeks or months later, we do get it back. My issue is that between the time of them borrowing it from him and before they give it back, I am constantly seeing and hearing them talk about them spending money on things from pets, to days out, meals out, shopping etc. and this is what bothers me. On one particular occasion, they borrowed money from my husband for rent and before they had even paid it back, they had bought a dog for £500 and then again months later before it was returned they purchased another dog.

Myself and my husband ensure we budget each month so we have enough for everything we need/want to pay for and to me, this is what responsible adults should do. Whilst I am aware it's not totally possible to do this every single month and sometimes you may come up short, I absolutely do not understand how you would ever find yourself in a situation where you need to borrow money for necessities but have spare cash lying around for luxuries as they clearly do.

I have had the belief for a while now, that they are taking advantage of my husbands kindness and willingness to help them out. My husbands belief is if he has the money, why should he not help them. While I would always want to help them pay for necessities if they needed it, I absolutely don't want to help someone who asks for help with necessities then buys unnecessary things, as this just does not add up to me.

I have had this conversation with my husband a multitude of times and he cannot see it my way. He has admitted he now hides when they ask for money from him as he knows I won't be happy about it.

AIBU?

Is he sharing joint money or his own money?

He should just set a date for repayment to resolve the issue. No one is "taking advantage" as such - he just needs to be firmer, no need for a fall out. If he's happy to lend the money but wants it back sooner then he should just say "I'd like it back by X" when agreeing to lend the money. Paying him back clearly isn't a priority for them but, if they don't know it's a priority for him either, then it's not that bad - it's a tad rude but not awful.

If they always pay it back and you have the money to spare, I think YABU to tell him he can't do this with the money.

If you're going short because of it He IBU.

This is joint money which leaves us unable to do certain things which we have budgeted for ourselves E.g days out for ourselves with our children and other "luxuries" which they continue spend on just days after asking to borrow money from us for necessities such as food shopping, rent etc.

They are married ergo it is joint money.

This is really unfair but, unless a date is set for repayment or DH is chasing repayment, they aren't unreasonable to take time paying it back. It's a very simple fix to set a repayment date when they borrow the money.

So you and the children are missing out on fun things so he has the pleasure of feeling generous?

no fucking way would I sit for that.

Would you say that you are a lot better off than them, do you have better jobs, or a nicer house in a better area? Maybe they perceive you as much better off, so they think it's OK to ask. Is your DP the eldest so they think he should look after them?

It's cheeky though, especially as it stops you doing things and it also sounds like they don't really need the money. Not if they're popping off buying £500 dogs while you have to cancel days out with your DCs. It's really not fair.

Point it out to DP and say it has to stop. I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping if it was something serious.

I would absolutely not put up with this if it is at the point that it is stopping your family from doing things you want to do.

Next time he lends money and you want to do something tell him he will need to find the money elsewhere or ask for it back to enable things you planned to carry on. Why should your kids suffer so he can play bountiful with his family - who yes are abusing him!

He has admitted he now hides when they ask for money from him as he knows I won't be happy about it.

Hides from him? Do you mean from them? Or from you?

Sorry, I get it now-he hides it from you. He’d be best off hiding from them!

I wound be annoyed too, if they keep asking and it means you can’t do stuff you want to do. Why doesn’t it bother him?!

What does your DH say/said when you pointed out that days after lending money for necessities these relatives are then spending large sums on non-essentials like puppies?

When you set up a new family, your primary responsibility is to those people - your spouse and children - not your birth family.

If your family is being inconvenienced seriously by his desire to lend, then you need to tell him to get his priorities straight. In any case, being a continual lender / debt collector for these borrowings will inevitably cause friction with his birth family at some point. Better to draw a line under it all now.

What would he say if you said "my mum/sister/brother has asked to borrow £500 so I'm transferring it over now.

I think you need to see how generous he'd be if your family kept coming with the begging bowl.

Why do you object, husband? Your family constantly borrows and that's fine so surely mine can too otherwise you're nothing but a massive hypocrite, right?

What is DH's response/attitude when your family are unable to do things because his birth family owe you money OP? Does he openly acknowledge that his family owing you money is directly responsible for the fact that your family misses out on stuff? You say he's now hiding when they ask for money, does that mean he's lending to them without your knowledge and are you then finding yourself unexpectedly without money when you go to do things you'd planned? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clear picture so I don't give duff advice

Your husband is a drip and his family are grasping scumbags.

If it's money that comes out if the joint account, how does he hide it?

If he his hiding the extent of it I would be concerned that it wasn’t all getting paid back

Thanks everyone for the input.

When I say he is hiding that they are asking for money I mean he is no longer letting me know that they are asking for it and he is sending it. I just come to find that out for myself when checking our bank account which he knows I don't do often.

I have discussed with him the fact that they will borrow money then within days of borrowing be spending ridiculous amounts on totally unnecessary things and he really won't acknowledge this and dances around it.

I have also asked him what he would do if the roles were reversed and it was my family doing it to him. He claims he wouldn't mind but I really don't believe that.

He doesn't really seem to understand the impact it is having on both our marriage and our family and believes he is doing nothing wrong. It's honestly like speaking to a brick wall and I don't seem to ever be able to get through to him.

Transfer roughly the same amounts he to a deposit account and put it back when he does. Let’s see if he “minds”.

You need to get the joint account on an app on your phone and set alerts for withdrawals... that should stop him sneaking around.

I'd also go with the withdrawing the same amount and putting it elsewhere - could your parents be a safe pair of hands for holding money - they're family after all - or just set up a deposit account in your name that he isn't aware of where its going.

I could not be in a partnership where this kind of attitude to JOINT money occurs. The alternative is you separate your funds (making sure all bills and savings are covered of course) or have spending money each - and if he can lend from his spending money then fine but not from the joint budget.

He needs to feel the direct consequences of lending this money - not just have it absorbed by the kids missing a day out he wasn't bothered about anyway.

Your marriage is in very serious trouble. The first thing I would do is to take all of your money and put it into an account he doesn't have access to. The next thing I would do is speak to a solicitor about what your options are should you decide you will no longer be a mug.

If you both can't agree on this, then you need to separate your finances. Tell him that this bothers you so much, that this is what's required, because you're not happy that he prioritizes his family over his wife and kids.

Each open a new current account and have your wages put into it.

Keep the joint account for bills etc and both put in an agreed amount each month to cover all bills (including cash for planned days out/activities).
NO-ONE is allowed to then remove ANY money from the joint account unless it's for the intended purpose.

Then he is free to 'lend' his family whatever money he wants, as long as it's from HIS bank account. (And don't ever give HIM money if he's 'short' because he's lent his family money, because it's only when HE'S adversely affected that he might possibly rethink his attitude to their regular demands for 'loans' !)