Asking to swap contact due to play date

[maiden85]

My ex works shifts which are in no set pattern. Each month he sends me the dates that he wants to have our DD6.

I should also probably mention that me and the ex aren't very amicable which is down to him.

Most recent contact DD was due to stay at ex's Wed and Thurs night. A few weeks before one of DD's friends asked for a play date that ended up being on the Thurs (this was the only date all the other parents could do).

I asked 2 weeks before hand whether ex would mind swapping the Wed and Thurs to Tues and Wed instead. He agreed, no problem. A few days before said contact, ex cancelled the Tues as 'something had come up', so rather than make up another day, he just had DD on the Wed.

DD told him about the play date and I got a barrage of abuse about how I shouldn't be cancelling contact with him for play dates (even though he agreed to swap and then cancelled the new day).

He has gone on about it so much that I'm starting to think I was unreasonable. I'd be interested to hear what other people think!

Yes sorry in my opinion YABU. You can't really have a go at him for not having contact when it's you that cancelled for a play date you thought was more important. I can see why it's not an amicable coparenting relationship.

It's not unreasonable but you won't get him to understand that. I have similar problems and my dc miss out on so much as their dad isn't prepared to be flexible. He won't take them to parties/events etc but he complains if we ask to swap also. He thinks he's more important than these things (then lies in bed most of the time they are there).

I personally don’t see any harm in that. He agreed to swap and then cancelled so it was his fault he got to see her less

@Louisa4987 I've never once had a go at my ex for not having contact?

I didn't see her having a go at him for not having contact. She's annoyed he's complaining a bit not having contact that he previously agreed to and/or cancelled. It was for something specifically for the child's benefit not the OP's

No you weren’t unreasonable at all. He should feel lucky you are willing to be flexible around his shifts. Why should his job dictate your life now you’re not together

Why couldn't he drop and collect her from the play date?

I think YABU, when to first asked him to swap the day, did you explain to him that the reason was for a play date, so he could guage the importance of it before trying to rearrange his shifts around it. As a shift worker I'd be pretty pissed off too.

He agreed to swap, he cancelled new day, his fault. As long as if he had said no initially you would have cancelled the playdate not him.

Did he think it was a medical appointment or something?
I can understand he's upset that you changed his contact so your daughter could see friends.
If he was so bothered though why didn't he just have her an extra night or a day that was convenient for both?

@Cyw2018 He doesn't have to rearrange his shifts - he has roughly have the rest of the month off and was also off on the Tuesday already.

Yanbu.

Ex and I always had a fluid contact arrangement. He was meant to have the dc every Saturday. (It had been Sunday but he decided Saturday was better.) If something came up on a Saturday I would offer him the Sunday instead.
Of course he never took the Sunday, cancelled seeing them far more often than I did and now blames me for his lack of relationship with them!

*roughly half the month off

@ohnoryanair He won't do that as it's with the mums from school

This was the time of reason I never swapped contact. If ex asked I’d have D.C. but I never swapped and I never asked to swap

ex would just say oh I can’t do that weekend as have xyz happening- my standard reply was I’m happy to have the D.C. we can go have lots of fun

after saying this a couple of times he rarely ever couldn’t have the D.C. so we both stuck to the schedule

He's guaranteed to cancel at least one of his nights every month and I never say a thing which is why I'm surprised he's kicked off agreeing to swap (then him cancelling) for a play date

Yanbu.
Children shouldn't miss out on an important play date because one parent won't have flexibility.

Playmates are very important to 6 y.o's your OH should be minimising the stress of uprooting his DD.

Well if he works shifts then what does he expect. I mean you could always go 50/50 residency and leave him to sort out the child on his time.