To Buy DM Her Own House?

[GimmeTheTruth]

Moral dilemma ahoy!
DF died three years ago - at the time, I was living with them with my 2DC having left an abusive relationship.
Two years on from DFS death, I bought a house in a town better for DCs schools and friends. DM moved in with us as she ‘didn’t want to be on her own’
Living with her is quite challenging at times, in terms of her not going along with my rules / boundaries as far as the children are concerned.
She also has the main bedroom in the house, and insists on controlling the majority of the housework, etc.
The dynamics feel odd, and it still feels like I’m living in her house, rather than my own home!
My AIBU is this - by this time next year, I will have enough of a deposit to take out a mortgage big enough to buy DM her own house. Would that be a really awful thing to do? She has some mobility issues that will worsen over time, but that are manageable for now, and of course I would still see her and help her out. Or should I just accept that she’s with me for life? I think she’ll be upset at the suggestion of moving out.

YANBU, but could you talk to her about the issues you’ve mentioned here? See how that goes and maybe suggest the idea of buying her a house.

Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place afraid. You are completely reasonable by wanting your own house and from what you describe it sounds like DM thinks it is her house to run as she wishes. Did she own her own home that her and DF lived in and sold or was it rented?

What happened to her house? Was it rented?

Why have you allowed these dynamic to bed in?
It is your house and you should take the opportunity to remind her of that!
She sounds like extremely hard work.

I think now is the perfect time to do this before her mobility issues worsen - she can move into somewhere set up well for her likely needs in the longer term.

I don't think you're obliged to live with her forever.

What happened to her house? Why do you have to buy her one?

Would building a granny annex be possible. It might be a reasonable compromise so she has her bit to control and you have yours

I think give her the option of either that or she changes the dynamic. Why did you give her the main bedroom? You'd maybe need a BTL mortgage though as you won't be resident - maybe worth checking.

Think you’d more luck moving into the new house yourself.
You are on the road to becoming your mum’s carer, which could include house modifications as the years roll on.
I love my DM dearly but I couldn’t live like you are- an annexe yes, but not the same home.
What’s happened to her home?

Parents’ house was part of his family’s historical estate and had to be sold and proceeds disbursed to his relatives - extremely complicated and was a real stress at the time. Think that’s why I have ‘indulged’ DM quite a bit as it was all really unsettling for her, though I do regret not allowing myself time and space to grieve my DF for the sake of her comfort (but that’s another story!)
I am essentially her cater already- I do have to accommodate taking her to appointments, etc a lot as well as getting her out to shops, day trips, etc - as she has no social life :(
I do have two siblings, but they are loving their own lives and take no responsibility for DM, which also makes me sad for her, and adds to the feeing of being selfish by moving her out

I personally wouldn't give her the option of changing the dynamic - I doubt very much that at her age, with such an entrenched dynamic, that would actually happen. She sounds like a difficult person.

Awkward. Is an annexe or a garden suite a possibility? It might be easier to have her separate but on site if you’re going to be the carer anyway.

Would a move to a house with an annex arrangement work for all of you? You both get your own space but you're close at hand and she doesn't feel abandoned?

The current situation sounds difficult and could likely lead to resentment which neither of you needs but you shouldn't feel like a guest in your own house.

How would the mortgage be paid on a house you purchased for your mum?

It sounds like she requires a fair amount of assistance with living already. What are her care needs likely to be in another 5 years? If you buy her a house, who will own it? Who is going to take care of her if her needs become more demanding?

I would think long term here. Rather than buying her something why not see if you can get her assisted living? You need to live your own life, she's had plenty of time to adjust and it sounds like she's a nightmare to live with.

YANBU to want your home back now - especially the main bedroom and a feeling that it is your house.

I don't really understand why you feel the need to finance a home for her though? That is her responsibility to finance or apply for help. At the very most you should take on a third share with your siblings for part of it.

What do you think will happen if you start a conversation with your DM about the future/the time being right for her to set up her own home again now she's had a year to with you.

Your not being selfish at all.

Just how are you going to this OP. I'm no expert but I guess you'd need a buy to let mortgage with a higher interest rate and 25% deposit?

Does your DM have savings? Did she not anticipate that she may be left without a home should your DF pass away (condolences there).

Reading your post your DM sounds quite selfish and with high expectations of you.

If you can't do the above, I'd look into social housing.

If you can stretch to another mortgage for another house, could you instead like others say buy a bigger house with an annexe? So she has her own space and you have yours?

You are already resenting her.
Tell her you feel the need for your own space now and you don’t want to ruin your current good relationship by a series of minor issues, that are now adding up to a bigger stress, so it’s time she got her own place.

She needs to move into a retirement place.

I would be getting her out sooner rather that later. I’m amused she is dictating what goes on in the house and has commandeered the master bedroom! I appreciate she lost her husband but you also lost your dad. Life needs to go back to normal at some point. Yep

I’d suggest a retirement place too. She would have company and support.

not sure how you broach it though. Difficult conversation to have.

Do not buy her a house. If anything happens to her the state will take it for care home fees regardless of who has paid for it surely ?

Technically she has no home of her own as she was made homeless following your dads death;under these circumstances I'd suggest she applies to your local council for a over fifties bungalow.

Realistically, I think you've missed the window for 2 separate residences. Her mobility will not improve and could worsen dramatically overnight. As pps have said, the best way forward would be some sort of annexe arrangement. You haven't said how old she is, or the ages of your dcs, but you could phrase it as planning for the future.

Perhaps you could sell the idea to her from the pov of dcs needing more space as teenagers to entertain their friends and keep different hours. Three generations with different needs will get on better if they are not living on top of each other. And from her point of view, life would be easier on one level, with a wet room and no stairs. A little kitchenette. Her own domain.

Every sympathy for you, but I think you will find it easier to have her close at home (but not IN your home) than making the time to visit or organise her life from a distance with the inevitable emotional fall-out that would result from her feeling that she has been cast aside.

YANB at all U but I would find it impossible to ask her to move out if she doesn’t want to. I’d never feel comfortable about doing that. Especially if she offered you and the DCs a home when you were vulnerable.

I would probably look to try and move all of you to somewhere you could have more separate arrangements.