To think this is a bit shit of my friend?

[friendsone]

I've got a friend, D, I've known since school. There's a group of us, but D is the one I've always known best/ been closest to.

So a couple of years ago now (just before Covid) D was moving house. This was quite a major undertaking involving downsizing, D doesn't drive so couldn't move anything or take stuff herself to the rubbish dump/ charity shops etc. D also has a LOT of stuff. Not sure it quite qualifies as hoarding but not far off. The others in the group helped for a bit here and there, but I gave up every weekend for about 6 weeks. It was quite a difficult time for me as I had a lot of personal stuff going on...anyway, we got it done. I didn't feel like D was particularly appreciative of my efforts nor of other friends efforts either.

I didn't really keep in touch with any of them during Covid etc, D is always difficult to contact as she's not on social media, doesn't have whatsapp and is always slow at replying to texts (and you never know if they've been delivered or not, she has a really old and unreliable mobile with no internet - hence no whatsapp).

Late last year one of the group got in touch about arranging something, we all went along, caught up and chatted like old times. Great. The day after, D sent me a text (unheard of) saying that she had a family event in a couple of weeks and could she stay with me? (family member lives near me, D lives about 2+ hours away by train now). So I said yes, D came over, we caught up some more. I lent her a couple of books we talked about. She also needed a particular item which my DP had a few of, she was going to check what size she needed when she got home, and I said I'd get it from him and drop it down to her in a few weeks, we could go for lunch or something (it's only about an hour by car and I like driving). I reminded her of this a couple of weeks later when DP said - which of these things did she need? - no reply. Left it a couple of weeks, sent another message - nothing.

A few weeks after that, my relationship sadly ended. Once the dust had settled, I dropped D another message to say I wouldn't be able to get the item for her now (if she still needed it) as DP and I were no longer together, but repeated my offer to come down and see her for the day.

3 weeks later I got a reply saying that I was welcome to come down and spend the day out with her and her DP (who she met last year, they don't live together and I've never met him). They don't work/ work PT, so it's not like they have no time to see each other.

I didn't reply as I thought it was a bit shit tbh, and it all feels a bit like I only hear from her if she needs something, like a bed for the night. I'm going to leave it for now I think - AIBU?

Friendships should go both ways. I think it sounds like you've put a lot in and aren't feeling like you are getting a lot/anything out. I'd stop trying and leave the ball in her court.

Yes that's how it feels.

I think it's a bit rich to ask to stay, and then basically not respond to me after that other than to offer me to come and see her and her bloody boyfriend, I mean I wouldn't really want to do that anyway, but after a breakup?! I feel a bit used if I'm honest.

She's a complete and utter user. You have been so good to her and she's happy to take non-stop but the minute you need some support she's nowhere to be seen.

I've tried to look at it from her side and think maybe she was isolated during Covid etc and feels I should have done more/ kept in touch but if she'd reached out then I absolutely would have, It all feels very much on her terms.

If it all feels on her terms and lacking in effort, it probably is. I wouldn’t want to spend a day with her partner either…don’t know the guy from Adam. Why does he need to be there? She cba to put specific time aside for you and thinks you can tag along if you like. Gee thanks.

It would be weird enough to spend the day with someone I don't know, but on the back of just having broken up with my own DP (which I was/am devastated about) it feels a bit cruel.

I could maybe understand it if I'd asked her to visit me, or arranged something locally, and she's said well I can't get there unless DP drives me so he'll have to come along. Fair enough. But in this case, I'm going to her, and they don't live together. Just see him after I've gone home FGS!

It's a tricky one because her behaviour is fairly consistent and I don't know if I would call her a complete user.

She invited you to come see and and as regards the thing your ex-partner was going to get - she clearly didn't need it and just was very rubbish as saying so but this sounds in keeping with her whole way of communicating with you?

She is clearly lacking in a bit of empathy in not thinking you would probably want to meet alone and maybe discuss how you are post-separation but also given you don't seem to meet very often, she might innocently have thought 'oh what a good opportunity for OP to meet my partner given we don't see each other much'.

Certainly not defending her and tbh I'm such a stickler for good and punctual communication that I would struggle to maintain a friendship with someone like your friend but you've know her for ages and it all seems relatively in keeping with her aloofness?

This is a tough one
i had a few people disappear during Covid and one of them is now trying to come back.

your reasons why she was hard to keep in touch with sound odd.

but if she didn't reply to texts, it's possible this wasn't an issue for her anyway.

you could talk it through with her but I realise you might not feel it's worth it. i'm feeling that myself - the emotional labour doesn't feel worth it.

When you feel you yourself have invested a lot into a friendship, it’s hard when the friend makes it clear they can’t/ won’t reciprocate.
maybe back off for a bit, see if she’s prepared to make more effort? And look for other friends.

I have other friends but they're not close either geographically or in terms of our friendship - or both, most of the ones who live near me have other, better friendships which are very long established (30+ years). When you're over 40, I find very few people have room for new very close friends, certainly thats been my experience. So I mostly have acquaintances I guess but not friends. No one I can phone in a crisis really. I do have 2 good friends but they are 200 miles away and we don't talk often.

I backed off from this friend during Covid because tbh I felt I'd made a lot of effort with her move and it wasn't really appreciated. Then when we had a get together earlier this year, and she was in touch straight after I thought great, let's wipe the slate clean. But as soon as she'd got her overnight stay it lapsed back to same old, same old - worse actually because of the 'spend the day with me and my boyfriend' thing. I think I'm done with it but it's hard because having lost my DP, who was a great friend as well as partner, I'm left feeling hugely isolated. DP and I didn't live together but would talk every day. Apart from work related conversations and speaking to my DC, I've not spoken to another person in 3-4 weeks.

I think that some friendships are just like this - you don't see them for ages and then when you occasionally do it's good and you think things will change but they don't. Either you need to accept that's the way it's going to be or just cut ties.

Definitely right to feel a bit used after all you did during the move...and she's not being very sympathetic towards your break up. But have you said that you don't fancy meeting the partner this time? unfortunately everyone gets caught up in their own lives and she might just be excited and not have thought.

Can you pick up some clubs/hobbies to meet new friends? it is harder as you get older but not impossible! x