Bit of background, DH and I are an untidy pair. Our house is never “visitor ready” without a bit of notice and we have a lot of clutter, dog hair etc. When people come to stay, we give the house a good going over, and our spare bedroom is always fresh.
We were away at the weekend and SIL kindly stayed with the dog. I was away with work last week and met DH for the weekend, so he was home alone in the run up to SIL arriving.
We fell out before, another time I was away with friends, and SIL + BIL stayed with DH for a couple of nights, because when I got back the house clearly hadn’t been given any type of clean before the visitors arrived.
I don’t claim to be a tidy person, and I’m not trying to make the house sound like it is perfect when I’m there – it isn’t. But we had agreed that for people staying we’d give it a clean, and he hadn’t done it. So I was annoyed and embarrassed, I get on really well with in-laws, but don’t want people to think the house is dirty (cluttered, yes!). We had a few cross words, I explained why I don’t like it, and he agreed with me.
Back to the last few days, before I went away I reminded him of SIL coming in a few days, will you give the place a going over with hoover etc. He said he would. I didn’t bang on about it, he’s a grown man, and able to do stuff, I just reminded him once. He had the week off work.
He did some of it, not as much as I’d do, but it was fine. We had a nice weekend, dog and house were well looked after, we spent a nice couple of hours with SIL before she headed off home
Today I was going through the clean laundry from a basket looking for a top and in passing said to DH, did you fold these? He said no, SIL did at the weekend. I was a bit miffed because I don’t really like the thought of other people touching my pants. It then turned out that she took it upon herself to wash the dirty clothes in our laundry basket. I thought it was clean stuff from the rads. DH had moved the basket out of her way, when she arrived, and he mentioned doing it when we got back.
She told DH when we got back that she’d done it. He didn’t say a word to me.
Here is my AIBU… I am so annoyed. I really hate people going into my personal stuff. I wouldn’t want my own sister touching/sorting my dirty underwear. I realise that makes me unreasonable!
But I am mostly pissed off that DH didn’t tell me. He knew it would annoy me, so said nothing. To me that’s more annoying than it happening. I know it sounds petty. It makes me feel really uncomfortable though, I wouldn’t go into someone’s personal stuff. SIL will say she was only helping, and I get that, but it feels intrusive.
In the example I gave above from earlier times, he did the same. He didn’t tell me something (and I genuinely can’t remember what it was, but it was similarly trivial to everyone else!) and I noticed it. Nothing earth shattering, but something he knew I’d be upset by.
So putting the actual act aside – I know to others that SIL doing a load of washing isn’t that big a deal - AIBU that when DH keeps quiet, which I see as the easiest option for him, it upsets me? I hate finding out something later, by accident, because I've happened to spot something (today I knew the washing wasn't folded the way he normally would do it)
I have asked him before to please tell me stuff, because I like to know, rather than being oblivious. He doesn’t see it as lying, because he hasn’t told me an untruth, but I think it is sneaky to keep quiet. And I guess if he does this about trivial shite, what else does he neglect to tell me? I said all this to him the last time, and he said he wouldn’t do it again, but here we are.
I got very cross this morning, so not sure how reasonably I am behaving.