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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My daughter got thumped in the neck today

28 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 13/06/2022 20:46

WWYD more than AIBU really...

Young daughter, aged 8 was at school today and was thumped by a boy in her neck. She cried lots and couldn't catch her breath for a bit but is ok. We have a meeting with the school tomorrow. This was totally unprovoked- she wasn't with him. He crossed to playground to where she was with some friends and without a word thumped her.

What would you expect as a sanction for this boy? By all accounts he has been causing issues with various kids all year. This is the latest, and worst, in a long line of issues that others have had to deal with. It seemed that today it was my child's turn.
I'm furious about it all. My dd absolutely does not deserve this and I'm worried now about her safety in school with this boy around. So, WWYD?

OP posts:

7Worfs · 13/06/2022 21:26

Bump for you, OP.
I don't have experience with schools (mine still at nursery), but I got very angry reading this and picturing your DD crying. :(
I suppose you need to go in and keep asking how will they ensure that this doesn't happen again, don't accept vague answers, if they don't sound convincing, mention that police should be involved as it's an assault.

7Worfs · 13/06/2022 21:29

toomuchlaundry · 13/06/2022 22:09

He may be too young for police.

You need to ask how they can safeguard your DD. Do not ask about the boy

Friendship101 · 13/06/2022 22:29

He’s 8 so too young for the police to be involved.

Agree with above, you need to ask how your DD will be safeguarded. At my children’s school the boy would have been sent home for that most likely. Not sure for how long. Unfortunately one of my DC is in a class with a lot of children with such behaviours and so I get told about their suspensions or temporary exclusions.

Hiddenvoice · 13/06/2022 22:36

How awful for your dd, is she okay?
How do you know about the other things this boy has done? Being a teacher, I’ve heard horrendous stories being shared by parents on WhatsApp groups and the majority of it is untrue. Does the child have any additional needs? He also might have a very troubled home life that you know nothing about. Not that it excuses his behaviour but there should hopefully be members of staff around him in the playground looking out for him and the other children.
I personally wouldn’t involve the police. This is a school matter and they should deal with it accordingly but they perhaps will not tell you what will happen next with this child and will instead tell you how they will look after your dd.

VestaTilley · 13/06/2022 22:39

Appalling. This needs dealing with properly and the boy needs therapeutic intervention before he becomes permanently violent. Budgets are stretched so that’s unlikely, but if he’s that violent aged 8 it’ll only worsen…and it suggests something awful is happening at home.

Nonetheless, I’d be furious. I’d want to know exactly how they were going to safeguard my daughter, that they understood this is assault, that he needs punishing and she needs protecting. If they deal with it poorly I’d ask her if she wanted to move. Though that may not at all be what she wants owing to friendship groups etc. Demand a meeting with the Head and cc Chair of Governors in to any correspondence.

JustBkind · 13/06/2022 22:40

I would be livid. I would want him excluded for a set number of days in the first instance. And 8 is not too young for the police to be involved in school matters. I work in a junior school and police are sometimes called in for such instances and take pride in dealing with these matters to try to minimise it getting out of hand. Most secondary schools especially, have a police officer on hand to deal with such instances (they pay for them).

Penguinsaregreat · 13/06/2022 22:53

I would be livid too.
Good luck with getting support from the school op.

toomuchlaundry · 13/06/2022 22:56

@JustBkind where are you? In our area I don’t know of any secondaries who have a resident police officer

MardyBumm · 13/06/2022 23:06

In our school, they would have an internal exclusion and spend a few days in the headteachers office and no break or lunch. If the child was being violent regularly, they would have an adult supervising and following them around the playground and pastoral support to help them manage their emotions.

FOJN · 13/06/2022 23:18

I would focus more on what action they intend to take to keep your daughter safe rather than how they will sanction the boy who punched her. Of course the school need to intervene to deal with his violent behaviour but your daughter needs to be able to go to school without fear of being attacked.

I would be firm and very clear about my expectations of a safe environment for your daughter. The little boy may have his own challenges but your daughter should not be his punch bag because adults are failing both of them.

billy1966 · 14/06/2022 00:22

OP,

Whatever is said and agreed, get the Principal's email address and tell them you will be confirming everything with a follow up by email.

It really focuses minds with following through on what has been agreed.

Anytime I have heard of action being taken promptly, there usually was a paper trail involved.

If you are very happy with how the meeting went, its good to note it.

Also another follow up email detailing how things have progressed is good too.

Good luck.

RewildingAmbridge · 14/06/2022 00:29

@toomuchlaundry my sunny returned in a secondary school in East London with metal detectors on the door and a resident police officer, lots of gang activity. Not for eight year old though!

This is awful for your daughter OP , but it's likely any child of that age behaving in such a way as a pattern of behaviour either has a horrific home life and had experienced trauma and adverse childhood experiences (I've worked in child protection) or has additional needs - to suggest police for a child of this age is an abomination (PP). The school will be aware either way, they won't necessarily be able to share with you, what they do need to share is how they will keep your daughter safe in future.

RewildingAmbridge · 14/06/2022 00:29

*my aunt worked

Nat6999 · 14/06/2022 00:44

At that age my ds came home from school with red marks all round his neck, a boy had tried to strangle him. I took photos of the marks & sent them to school, the boy only got kept in for one days breaks & dinner then did it again, I went ballistic with school & still they did nothing. After that I told ds to thump him first before he got close enough to do it again, school said they would put him in isolation if he did but I told him to do it & I would sort school out afterwards.

frydae · 14/06/2022 01:25

What would you expect as a sanction for this boy?

I wouldn't expect that to be my business. The priority is to find out what school are doing to ensure your daughters safety.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/06/2022 02:01

OP, I assume you want the best resolution possible for your daughter. With that in mind ‘thumped in the neck’ is not the phrase to use with the school as it is minimising what happened. It was a physical assault. He attacked her. He hit or punched her neck. Although you said she struggled to breathe afterwards, so I wonder if he actually went for her throat instead which would be far more serious.

In answer to your question, though, I would expect that the school would sanction the child in accordance with their bullying or violence policy.

find a copy of the school’s bullying or violence policy (almost certainly available on line, possibly you were given a hard copy when your child started school).
find out what the sanction should be used according to the policy.
Speak to both the class teacher and the head in person (not going over class teacher’s head but physical assault is serious enough for the head to deal with in primary school).
follow up in writing to make sure that a) the policy had been followed to the letter, and b) there was a specific plan in place to protect my child from the boy that assaulted her.
if the policy isn’t followed or they don’t have a reasonable plan in place to safeguard your daughter, escalate this to the governors first. If the governors don’t help, report it to Ofsted and the local authority.

There must be zero tolerance of physical violence in schools.

Rosebel · 14/06/2022 06:01

I agree that you need to make sure they will ensure your DDs safety. If they can't or won't take her out and tell them why.
It's amazing how quickly the school find a solution when you refuse to send your child in due to safety.
Hopefully you have a decent school (unlike the crap one my DD went to who happily allowed her to be verbally and physically assulted daily and never bothered to inform me about the incidents until I removed her) who will follow the bullying policy.
If it was me I'd like the boy to be punched in the neck (I'm afraid bullying really winds me up beyond what's reasonable) but as that won't happen hopefully some sanctions will be imposed. Although when my DD was at school they were very keen on this stupid no blame policy so I hope things have improved since then.
This boy probably does have issues but that doesn't mean he can get away with punching people in the neck.

jumperoozles · 14/06/2022 06:32

Your poor DD. Go to the meeting calmly and listen to how they will safeguard your daughter. She has the right to be safe at school. You are of course furious that the boy has done this and upset but don't go in all guns blazing (not saying you would but it's amazing the amount of parents that kick off to the adults working at a school like they were the ones that did anything!...) - find out what they are going to do about it. The staff will (hopefully!) be putting in place measures to stop it happening again.

jeaux90 · 14/06/2022 07:00

It's an assault. Does this boy mainly do this to girls or is it indiscriminate?

If it was my child I'd probably (very calmly) tell them I want to report the assault to the police, then shut up and see what they say.

WalkerWalking · 14/06/2022 07:09

If he hasn't been removed from the school already, it will be because he's classed as extremely vulnerable. We have a similar child at my daughter's school- multiple violent attacks on various children. The school now has an action plan to deal with immediate outbursts, (they have a 1:1 at all times, the other children know to evacuate the classroom when instructed by the teacher etc. This has absolutely worked for this child, and there hasn't been an incident for several months)

Sanctions were always to remove the child into isolation immediately, and to phone their parents to collect them. The child would then spend one further day in isolation with the Headteacher.

jumperoozles · 14/06/2022 07:09

jeaux90 · 14/06/2022 07:00

It's an assault. Does this boy mainly do this to girls or is it indiscriminate?

If it was my child I'd probably (very calmly) tell them I want to report the assault to the police, then shut up and see what they say.

I think they would tell you you have every right to report to police? The school would probably follow their safeguarding and bullying policies though which I don't think would involve police for this as the child is 8. What agencies get involved would depend on the child that punched and their situation.

WalkerWalking · 14/06/2022 07:10

All schools should have all their "policies" clearly visible on their website. Make sure you read their behaviour policy before your meeting.

Seriously79 · 14/06/2022 07:11

The school have a responsibility to keep your daughter safe. Don't rest until your confident that this is the case.

I would want the other parents involved too.

jeaux90 · 14/06/2022 09:45

@jumperoozles it wasn't a question.

It's a negotiation. OP wants the best outcome for her child, I would also think she wants the attacks to stop.

The only way you get the best outcome sometimes is by stating an intention and then being quiet to see what the response is. People often have a need to talk, too much often, OP needs to let the school talk and explain what they are going to do. She can then decide whether it's good enough or not.

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