I have a friend who I’ve known for 25 years. We were incredibly close but she (Jane) has always been a bit flaky. In the past she has pulled out last minute of holidays, nights out, meet ups etc and it’s always been so common that you usually arrange 3 things to meet only once out of them all. It drives me mad but when we do meet it’s like there’s no issue.
When I had children I was the 1st in my friendship group, Jane wasn’t really anywhere to be seen but we’d meet up a few times a year still. I had bad PND after my 1st and was off work for a long time, Jane knew this but still made little effort. A lot of my friends however seemed to not make much effort and I thought it was because I was the only one with a baby.
The last 5 years Jane has had 2 children, we’ve carried on seeing each other a few times a year, obviously with the cancelled (by her) plans as well and no issues. Jane is now going through a very nasty divorce but doesn’t respond to many text messages, doesn’t answer phone calls, I suggest meeting up but then get no response.
I figure this isn’t something new (the not responding) for Jane and she knows I’m here if she wants me. I keep messaging her as I normally would but if she doesn’t respond there’s not much I can do. Mutual friends who live further away from me and Jane want me to make more effort to see her. I know Jane does meet up with other friends not in our circle so she does have support. I figure she just doesn’t want us.
Ill be honest that over the years I’ve struggled to accept the way Jane is as I always reply to people, stick to plans etc and accepted this was how she is years ago. I spent a lot of years hurt and disappointed by cancelled plans.
Should I be trying harder knowing she’s having a rough time?
YABU - make more effort to support Jane
YANBU - keep reaching out and trying but she clearly has other friends she’d rather get the support from