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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry when husband calls me “grumpy”

14 replies

Newusername3kidss · 13/06/2022 15:47

I’ve got quite a lot on at the moment, 3 young children, part-time job (i’m with my 18 month old when not working), pretty much all house related stuff (cooking, shopping, laundry etc ) and my dad has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I’ve been at numerous doctors appointments etc with him. Youngest does sleep through most nights now but wakes at 5am. I’m shattered. I feel like I am the carer for everyone at the moment and it’s emotionally draining.

last night after a long weekend - the kids all eventually in bed, house tidied, stuff ready for school, my stuff ready for work so at 9.30pm I say I’m going to have early night and go to bed. Husband calls me grumpy for not staying up with him and asks me “where did that fun girl go who I married??”. Am I right to be fucked off ?? I’m coping as best as I can at the moment and feel like I’m just about keeping head above water - surely I don’t have to add “husband’s entertainer” to my list do I ????

OP posts:

BackOnTheBandWagon · 13/06/2022 15:54

Dickhead. You have every right to be fucked off. Is he usually so deficient in empathy?

DisgruntledPelican · 13/06/2022 15:54

I think you’re being restrained at being merely fucked off to be honest.

why oh WHY are you doing pretty much all the house related stuff? When another adult lives with you?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 13/06/2022 15:57

And you ask where the nice man you married went...

D0lphine · 13/06/2022 15:57

Tell him in no uncertain terms what is going on for you right now, and if he wants you to spend time with him, he needs to do x y and z so that you're well rested.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/06/2022 15:59

Is he being a lazy prick generally or does he pull his weight at all with household stuff?

GreatCrash · 13/06/2022 16:02

Does he really not understand the pressure you're under at the moment? You need to have a serious chat about how you're feeling and what he can do to help.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/06/2022 16:08

Ask him who substituted the equal partner you thought you had married with the lazy, selfish arse you are currently living with.

Why, oh why are you doing everything? Does he not have a brain, a set of arms, hands and legs? Is he incapable of doing laundry, housework, shopping? There is NO excuse for him not doing these things on an equal basis to you.

Helpfulhannah · 13/06/2022 16:09

I voted yanbu - because it was a stupid, careless, dick thing to say.

But….. is it because your DH is a horrible person? Or is it because your DH is a horrible communicator?

obvs I know nothing about your situation but I have been in relationships with men who honestly meant no hurt or harm but had no idea how to express anything deep or emotional in any manner other than banter/jokes mode - perhaps that does make them horrible people? Whatevs - my aim is not to excuse him but to help you process. Do you think he meant to hurt your feelings? I do think he was thinking selfishly but that’s not a reflection on you - that’s him word vomiting.

Aside from this can you sit down with him & explain that with your Dads illness you need more support round the house?

Dixiechickonhols · 13/06/2022 16:09

I’d be tempted to book a weekend away etc (just you) and inform him. When he says wtf say you said you told me to be fun like when I was a girl. I always loved a festival, spa weekend, shopping and drinks etc.
A more sensible version is to say I’m on my knees here wtf are you doing to share load and split chores, book more childcare etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2022 16:15

Why are you allowing him to get away with doing fuck all around the house? That's the real question.

Original poster

Newusername3kidss · 13/06/2022 17:32

Helpfulhannah · 13/06/2022 16:09

I voted yanbu - because it was a stupid, careless, dick thing to say.

But….. is it because your DH is a horrible person? Or is it because your DH is a horrible communicator?

Aside from this can you sit down with him & explain that with your Dads illness you need more support round the house?

He’s not a horrible person, but it has the emotional intelligence of a flea. Most of the time I wouldn’t really care about a comment like this but I just flipped out today. He has come to apologise but then ended the apology with “but you were being grumpy”. Arghhhhhh

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 13/06/2022 17:36

Unless there's some specific neuro-divergence he's a dick. You don't have to have a high level of emotional IQ to understand that if someone has been on the go non stop and is also dealing with a very ill parent, that they won't be exactly super fun.

I also find myself wondering - while you were running around getting DC to bed, preparing for school/work, tidying up etc on Sunday night.... what was he doing? Because if he was sitting on the couch and then acts alls surprised you're exhausted I'd honestly have found it very hard not to have simply walked out the door and gone to a hotel.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/06/2022 19:14

He has come to apologise but then ended the apology with “but you were being grumpy”. Arghhhhhh

So no change then, a non-apology apology and you still running around doing everything, thinking of everything and driving yourself into the ground, nice equal partner you have there, OP.

autienotnaughty · 13/06/2022 19:43

I'd use it to my advantage. Sit down and say how tough your finding things and it's clearly impacting on your mood/energy. Offload some jobs to him so you can have some down time. Then thank him for bringing it to your attention.

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