To feel guilty I have a better relationship with DD than DS

[blahloney]

I have a DS who is 17 and a DD who’s 15, both very different personalities but they get on well. I obviously love them both the same and have tried to treat them both the same over the years.
DD is very sociable. She actively comes to me, joins in with whatever I’m doing, loves filling me in on drama with her friends, what’s going on at school etc.
DS tells me NOTHING. Every day I ask him how was college, what’s your friends up to, etc. I generally get a reply of either ‘fine’ or ‘boring’ before he walks off and shuts himself in his room. We eat together as a family when we can. He never contributes to conversation or asks anyone anything unless someone talks to him, then he gives the minimum reply. He can’t wait to leave the table.
I genuinely feel like he thinks everything I say is a form of nagging him, and as he doesn’t talk about anything I often feel all I do IS nag him ie. asking for help with something, asking if he’s done everything for college and so on.
Subsequently I feel like I know everything about DD and nothing about DS and it makes so sad and guilty because I love him so much. I’m worried that he’s going to leave home one day and I’ll never hear from him.
I really try to be a good mum. We drive him everywhere, encourage his hobbies, let his friends stay whenever they want etc. but just get no information from him in return.
Dont know why I’m posting this but I feel particularly sad about it today.

I could write your exact same post. have a 17 year old ds and a 15 year old dd!!

Lockdown has really made it pretty stark in our house. ds will join us for meals and will occasionally come and chat to me but mostly he keeps himself to himself - almost like having a lodger sometimes!

DD is very chatty and loves a cuddle for a quick GCSE/life destress.

It's just how it is at the moment?

I make a real effort to show interest in ds's hobbies. We watch the Formula 1 races and programmes together and I try to understand his school work - slightly backfires when he tries to discuss physics A level with me?! But he hates talking about anything personal and maybe that won't change.

I do feel bad as I don't feel like I know him as well as I know dd. BUT I think it's how he wants it. I just have to keep checking in to make sure thats the case?

And I agree it is sad. When I look back at pictures of them as littlies and think how close we used to be. He used to be so affectionate and caring as a little boy...

I just have to hope some of that is still in there and will gradually re emerge.....x

I think boys like this improve when they get a girlfriend so I wouldn't give up hope yet.

@HollowTalk he’s got a girlfriend and tbh I think it’s made him even worse😔We’re very accepting and positive about her and she’s here loads, but he still won’t talk to me.

My two (23 & 20) are like chalk and cheese.

23yr old is very insular, likes his own company, leaves the house infrequently. He does socialise but it's very much on his terms and he won't be badgered into doing something he doesn't want to. When he was away at uni we could go weeks without hearing from him and now he's home he pops his head round the door occasionally for a short natter but that's all. He is intelligent, confident and independent and very sure of his own self worth. He will not discuss his personal life with us and a 'hey how you doing' text is invariably answered with a 'fine'.

20yr old tells us everything, wants our opinion and advice, needs validation of his success from us and his peers, likes having all his friends around and is out all the time. He is also independent and intelligent but without the confidence of his brother. A quick 'hi how you doing' text to him results in an essay about what he's been up to, what he ate, where he shopped etc etc.

They are so different it's amazing really. I try to remember that nothing has changed, it's just that the quiet one gets a bit overshadowed at times by the other and It's more pronounced now they are older.

DH sometimes feels that the 23yr old is somehow 'missing out' or that he's unhappy, but he really isn't. I'll reassure you though that he has got a bit more chatty and involved as he's got older.

Sounds like most teenage boys.

Don’t force it - just let him know that you’re always there for him.

I think you need to accept that people have different personalities and ways of communicating.

You seem to almost be taking this really as a personal attack against you.

But it could simply be that your son is the type of personality who enjoys his own company, is very private and does not feel the need to chit-chat...

I am a happy introvert and I can't think of anything more boring than having endless chit-chats about my day or gossiping about who did what all the time.

As long as your son is happy and has a full life, that's all that matters.

I think alot of teenagers (maybe more so boys) are the same, please don't worry or take it personally. He knows you love him and he can talk to you if he needs to. All you can do is be there for him and keep the lines of communication open. The teenage years can be tough to navigate for teens and parents.

I was somewhat like this as a kid. I loved my own company and would stay in my room and read or listen to music, or do whatever. Sometimes I just needed to be away from my family, especially if I had a lot on my mind. But I'm a serious introvert, so after being around the my parents and sister I would need a break from them. I didn't really have too many friends and no boyfriend so I was usually in my room. My sister on the other hand hated to be alone and was glued to my parents most of the time.

Summer and storm….

I suspect it’s an age thing. The more you press, the worse it gets. Give him space, be nice, don’t set any new rules…. Our daughter was a biatch from 14 to 17..

Urgh, boys. Mine is almost 16. We have a lovely relationship, but I usually hear about events weeks after, when he drops them into a "funny" conversation later. He does talk to me lots for his age. At this age they're working out who they are, they're disengaging from us, as they should, getting ready for when they're adults. I still sneak a squeeze off him (he doesn't mind). I've another two in the house to bother, although he'll always be my first baby