Consusion about my trauma therapist

[Pinkgrapefool]

I have 2 sessions so far, in first she came across friendly and knowledgeable.
I have a complex childhood trauma, plus I have depression and mild OCD now.
While narrating one incident, I got a bit carried away with details. I said I lost track as I felt overwhelmed. She suggested I might have disassociation.

She sent me 2 questionnaire, I mailed back that I was confused about them and she understood. But in session, she was a bit judgemental about me not doing it. I explained I tend to be perfectionist and all my life struggled with it and any confusion leads to me putting the activity on next day.

We did the forms in the session and she said my answers are exceptionally low. Fact is I didn't relate to most of them. I said I was also confused about a few questions regards to how to interpret. She said if she was doing the form, she would do it very quickly.
I told her I was worried for wrong assessment, so took time.
It could be that I have obsessive thinking and hence took time.
She then said don't dwell on it. But didn't discuss or planned to discuss any further.

Also 2 hours before session, she emailed me that she noticed payment is not done, that I should.remember it is to be done in advance. I was planning on payment before session but didn't know how many hours in advance it should have been done.

I felt she wasn't warm, overconfident about her assessment of me, and didn't stay on plan from last week.

I also feel I disappointed her by not being a disassociated. I found some videos online and I don't relate at all.
So pls help me. Should I give her another chance? She is expensive even by London standards and only because of desperation and her qualification and integrative approach including EMDR, I went with her.

But now I feel if something wrong with me for finding all these issues with the session and expecting her to be warm.

The factor which most influences the success of therapy is the relationship between you and the therapist.

This one just doesn't seem to gel, so it is probably worthwhile cutting your losses and moving on

I agree, it doesn't sound like you like her very much and it also sounds like she was a bit harsh re some of the things that you didn't know the processes of yet.

I think you need to be on the right page as a therapist to work with them. If you don't feel happy or comfortable in this lady's presence, or her attitude seems uncaring it's less likely the therapy will work. You have every right to look for someone else if you feel it would be better.

Thank you for your replies.

Sorry it's not clear from my post. She said 'could it be that you have obsessive thinking and hence overthought about the questions?' This was after I told her about having perfectionism from childhood. She knew my family expected perfection from me.

OP,

Go with your gut.
You are not feeling it with her.
Don't waste any further money with her.
Move on.

Speaking my own experience, often in therapy you need to take the first answer that comes into your head and not the one you spent a lot of time thinking about. The first answer probably comes from an emotional memory and the later one from a more cognitive memory. The therapist will often want to work with the first kind of memory.

I don't think from what you posted there is any problem with either you or your therapist. It may be though that she's not the right fit for you.

I like to have an intro session with maybe 4 or 5 different therapists and then pick the one I prefer to work with.

If you're not vibing with her then get rid! Crap therapy is worse than no therapy.

With regards to this type of therapy... Did you know there's trauma therapy available on the NHS? I stumbled across it almost accidentally and it's completely turned my life around. It's highly specialised so the therapists are absolutely amazing. The one in my area is called "Trauma and veterans", wouldn't say I'm cured but it's definitely reduced the effects of my CPTSD.

You're kind of right but the therapist needs to lead that discussion on what type of answer to give, and honesty needs to build up as OP learns to trust more. Being a bit judgy over incomplete questionnaires is not the way to build trust!

With the info you have given I don't think this therapist is for you.

OP I have OCD and perfectism is an OCD trait...there are two things 1) I don't think her explaining about doing the form quickly is an issue - she is just trying to say its best to write down the first thought which comes to mind. These sorts of forms get filled in often and are just a guide. I have had several NHS OCD therapists and that's why I am saying this.
However, the most important thing with a therapist is you trust them and like them. Its OK that you don't trust her. You don't have to work out why. If I was you I would not go back. For all the therapists I had there was only one I wasn't sure about and I decided to continue with him for the same reasons you are suggesting - querying whether it was me. But after a while I realised it was just he wasn't the right therapist for me. So I recommend you look for someone else. Good luck.

Dont waste any more money
i started therapy after a horrific expierence end of 2021 and have been with same therapist since

i had tried therapy with others before and like you it was one or two sessions before i got a vibe that it wasnt right

she ‘gets me’ and has been amazing. Shes chnged my life - even though I still have my moments! 😂

Thank you everyone for your comments. You have been very helpful. I have cancelled next appointment, though she would like to know what went wrong in the session.

@snog, @ittakes2 sorry I didn't explain well in OP, as this was my second attempt after losing first elaborate post.

I didn't take time in thinking about what to answer. I was able to do the questions quickly, with most answers being -not at all.

I was confused about a couple of question statements as the wording could be interpreted in different ways.
So I decided to do it later, when I still couldn't figure out what the statement was actually saying, I postponed it on next day. In the session, my form was still missing a few answers.

On explaining my frustation with decision avoidance and putting it on next time, she didn't try to explore it rather said it could be my obsessive way of thinking. By now we had only one session and only talked of childhood, we didn't get a chance to talk about my OCD.

About perfectionism, I never had a carefree life. My father was a textbook narcissistic and his parents raised me putting a lot of pressure on me to excel. I guess their intentions were that I don't turn out like my father. So I learnt to excel at everything I did even though my basic needs were neglected. I was fond of singing, but my family laughed at me even when I sang for fun that I was not good enough. So I learnt to avoid doing things where I was not perfect.
About OCD, I read that it is a fear based disorder. Also, there is some research indicating that childhood trauma can cause it. In addition to being strict, demanding perfection, my gm believed in magic, superstition. I am from Asia. I grew up hearing so many superstitious and magical stories. OCD patients have some level of magical thinking even though they know it makes no sense. Now, when I get very stressed, I remember some of her superstitions and wonder if there is any truth in it. It leads to intrusive thoughts, I control the compulsions mostly.

So life has taught me to take things seriously. I am paying a lot of money on therapy, more than I can afford, so I wanted to ensure I don't answer it wrong.

Therapist said she would do the form without any thinking. I found it very insensitive as unlike me she is not desperate to find right solution.

I understand the whys of my life. I need help in building self esteem, self soothing, staying logical despite emotional triggers, managing flashbacks. I was resillent as a child but not anymore. People around me have been strong personalities, I don't need my therapist to be opinionated. I need gentle and caring approach.

She sounds critical and rigid. Find someone else. It can take a little while to find someone who is a good fit so don’t blame yourself. It’s really easy to think “I just think the therapist isn’t right for me because I’m being avoidant/because of my issues” etc, whereas in reality if something about the personal dynamic is making you uncomfortable, listen to that and try someone new.

You should not be having to justify yourself to a new therapist in this way. There will be someone out there who will be able to support you in the way you need

Dear OP,
I think you have real insight into what you need and you should respect your judgement on this. I am not a therapist, but I am a healthcare professional and I live with someone who has OCD. I think, from your description, the therapist made some fundamental errors: she jumped to possible conclusions about possible diagnosis with far too little evidence, she failed to recognise that the difficulties you had with the questionnaire were likely part of your OCD and needed a sensitive approach, she extrapolated how you should respond based on how she would respond and most importantly she failed to treat you with empathy and compassion. The success of your therapy is going to be hugely dependent on how safe you feel with her, I am not sure that you are going to be able to feel safe with her so I would cut your losses now.

She's not meant to be judgemental or trying to steer you to what she wants you to be. If you can't relate to what she's saying and can't engage with her then please don't attend further sessions and don't listen to any questions or suggestions as to why you don't want to continue. It's your choice.
Sometimes therapists can do more harm than good. A family member had a similar experience and its affected her really badly.

Thank you to the new posters. I am so demotivated about therapy now. I tried with a therapist before, who interrupted me for the use of word 'control'. All I said was I want to have some control over life.
Another therapist was trying to convince me about his expert theories and his innovative methods, more than listening to me.

The only therapist who helped was an ERP-CBT therapist for OCD and after about 12 sessions, there was a huge difference. I did as she told me, she would at times be blunt and I didn't expect any empathy, but in the end she helped massively. It was years ago. She lives somewhere else now.

In last few days, I have contacted a few therapists and even the not so experienced ones are fully booked.
Where do I find this perfect therapist who is empathetic, sensitive, experienced in trauma and OCD and also available?

The existing therapist say it's best to discuss what went wrong in therapy than deal with it myself as I told her I need some time to think.