or am I bring silly about my il's??

[kite]

Hi all,

I am new to this website, I would normally post on another site but a few girls were talking about here so I thought I would try it. I hope you don't mind, my reason is that a lot of the people on the other site know me and I feel uncomfortable talking about this issue. I really sorry this maybe very long

My MIL & FIL are separated, it is all very nice and lovely most of the time but FIL has a girlfriend a good bit younger. DH & I accepted it and tried to include her in things not to rub MIL's nose in it or anything but it was something my DH wanted to do for his father & they marriage was gone a few yrs with MIL. I gave birth to our child 2 yrs ago and things went down hill very badly with MIL. She went nuts in the hospital arrived in 20 mins after the birth took the child said he was the head off DH & how she hated saying it to a new mum but I had nothing of me in him & then brought in 16 family members the following day and passed my baby around like pass the parcel. The christening 4 wks later she and SIl caused an unreal row with DH over FIL girlfriend said we should never have taken sides & how dare we. I think they timed this so bad to say it at our childs christening & cause a big row in the car park of where the christening was held.

So i backed off from them all about 100 miles backed off. I stopped calling, phoning. Just did the things I was expected to do - give them presents on birthdays etc. anything we did or did not do drove MIL nuts. If we called to friends and not to her she went nuts. If we called to her house she went nuts as we would call too early. We really could not win.

Now it all settled for a while. We were all very pleasant, SIl has had a baby & my dh was away from home with work. they didn't tell me?? they rang DH told him sent him photos by text etc & totally cut me out - now I feel hurt again. Not as hurt as before but everything had calmed down & now I feel we are back to square one with her.

SIL's dh had phone mil to tell her the news and she was to tell everyone ( SIL & DH live 3 hours away) MIL told people but made a point of not including me - I am probably sounding really silly now but I can't explain properly.

What can I do with this woman - I don't want to fight but do I really need contact with her. She has never been there for our child - no babysitting, never even minded him for an hour but if a group of people call to her she rings to get us to take down our child so she can show him off ( she lives 40mins from us) We don't go anymore when she calls as it's just a pain.

any advice???

sorry this is so long

My sympathies. My MIL and SILs didn't even come to DS's naming ceremony as FIL and FIL's new wife were going to be there. But on the other hand they are generally lovely apart from that.

I think sending the photos and news to your DH sounds reasonable, but at the same time I'm getting the impression that it's not really one particular incident that is annoying you about them so much as a constant build-up of little things, each one of which probably sounds quite trivial on its own?

This kind of thing happened when DH left ex wife and married me. DH cut her out of his life due to her ongoing behaviour towards him, me and our DC's. Life has been much more pleasant and quieter without her. Luckily it was his decision to do this, I had nothing to do with it, in fact I was more for not cutting her out of our lives. I have no real advice TBH but hope someone comes along with some pearls of wisdom.

Welcome to mumsnet.

I think you need to leave it to your DH to sort out with his Mum. As a couple you need to decide what you want and him then take it up with her. TBH I think you are best off out of it, remain friendly & civil but kee your distance and let them waste their energy on being petty.

I agree with CarGirl. Sensible advice.

You are being polite and giving them the option to be involved in your child's life. I don't think you have any obligation to do more, particularly given their behaviour.

Thanks girls for your reply's I am really grateful,

Yes PortAndLemonaid it is not just the one incident with her. She never regards what I say in anything & it's just one thing after another.

If i went into all the things I would be writing all night, we did get on before my child was born & then it went very sour but her nose was out of joint that we had accepted FIL's girlfriend.

Thanks again girls

thanks girls and thanks cargirl,

yes i am polite with them all I never say a thing. I just very fed up with her today, normally I can just get on with it and not bother with her.

She seems to plot the thing out in her head of what she will do in a situation - very weird.

Thanks girls

It may be worth your DH pointing out to his Mum that he isn't happy about his Mum & Dad splitting up etc but they are both his parents and he loves both them. Perhaps he could point out to her how awful it is to be told by someone he loves so much that he should have nothing to do with his Dad or something along those lines. It sounds like MIL is very upset/jealous that her ex has got on with his life and she hasn't.

she is very upset - she doesn't want FIL but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. She was the one who kicked him out and that was done a few wks before our wedding ( she doesn't handle family occasions well i don't think??)

Dh has said to her that he is not taking sides at all and he does love her.

If the thing goes wrong for her she says she is ill to get him to call more - for example if FIl & girlfriend go on hols she gets a bad back and phones DH to tell him she is on the way out nearly and starts crying, or if she gets a flu/cold she goes to hospital with it to get xrays etc as she says something worse is wrong - this never went on before our baby came ( we are together 13 yrs). This behaviour has started in the last 3 yrs since I was pregnant.

Sorry I have gone long winded again on this thanks a million for the replys

she has issues that is for sure!!!!!!!!!! What does your DH see the way forward being? I think she is feeling jealous of your marriage, baby etc - everything she once had??????

i think that you did the best thing by cutting ties and just doing the necessary.

that said, you cannot do the above and expect a phone call from MIL expecting her to invite you oshare the joy of her Daughter giving birth.

the rudest person in this particular scenario is the sister IMO.

i think you should send the sister something wonderful and an overwhelming card of delight and happiness.

kharma will be on your side if you do the right thing

embrace this new life and bring happiness to the mum.

if they are not gracious enough to accept it

then fuck em

thats what DH thinks too. He doesn't call to her as much he will ring once a wk but that is to keep her onside so to speak.

He feels she needs to move on with her life from FIL & has even joked with her to get a new man.

She gets very upset if DH goes to a football match(he plays it for fun) and does not tell her as she feels she should be able to go watch him. But he is not cutting her out he is just getting on with his hobbies if you know what I mean?

If our child goes to see my parents she goes mad saying he sees mine more than he sees her, like she is keeping score but when we do call she is always complaining and I really find it weary and so does DH.

before our child was born I would have been the one to call to her more than DH and I would brought her cakes and stuff or buy her the odd bunch of flowers as the marriage was broken only about 2 yrs at that stage and everything was grand, but if dh went out with his friends on a night drinking and I had not said it she would go mad the next time we would call as if I was hiding it??

She is very jealous I now am aware of that - it's not just of fil it is of everything!

After the row at our christening I just gave up

I think I'm with custardo tbh. Perhaps the next time you need speak to her (face to face I guess) somthing along the lines of "I'm sorry that you are so miserable and clearly jealous of me and my relationship with dh but there is nothing I can do about that, if you want to see more of dc then perhaps you should be pleasant and civil to be as it would be lovely for you to have a nannie/grandchild relationship" and walk off quick!

or just give her a slap!

thank you custardo your right I cannot expect her to call me about sil's child.

I just felt put out as things had come around a good bit. I had them all down here at christmas time for a dinner and we were all fine.

So I thought it was going right & I was just a bit shocked to be excluded but your right cut my losses and move on.

I think your MIL is trying to feel better about herself by making you excluded from "her" family rather than MIL be "excluded" (in her mind) from "her" family IYSWIM. Try and let it all wash over you she's a fruitcake

thanks CarGirl

she sounds just like my MIL. Don't bother trying to please her, you never will please her, so you may as well just please yourself and do what's best for you.

My MIL is also v envious of my lifestyle, I am a SAHM and I'm sure that she thinks all I do are sleep and shop (ie, spend her sons money) in fact on the rare occasions that I see her if she asks what I've been up to (not that she ever shows much interest in me) I say "sleeping and shopping, what else".

Anyway, my point is that the main thing that helped me to cope with my unpleasant in-laws was just to back off, let DH do everything with regard to them, cards, news, presents, phone calls, etc etc. Oh, and if you have to see them ALWAYS make sure you are in your own home (where your the Queen) or somewhere neutral. Don't go to hers.

Very very tricky and delicate situation to be in. I think others are right in that you will never please her. She's probably going through grief after her divorce. Perhaps she's venting her anger on you? Unfair but an easy option maybe?

However, none of this is your problem. YOu've done the right thing so far. Now you're starting to get hurt and upset. That's not right either.

I suspect this is your MIL's grievance. Don't let it affect your relationship with your SIL. She's just had a baby. it can be hard to make sure everyone feels involved etc. She probably thought that by contacting your DH you'd know too. She's not your sister after all.

I'd say just make sure you do the right thing - communicate on birthdays, big occasions, smile, be polite but always keep your distance emotionally because from my experience, she will hurt you again if you let in her in that position. Be wise and distant and enjoy your time with your baby.

I know what it's like to have your young baby passed around from pillar to post without any regard for his crying or your upset. And, regardless of whether he looks like you, his (or her - you didn't specify) is 50% you because the baby is yours!

That last sentence is meant to read "his DNA is 50% you." Soz for crapness.

I think you should be relieved that she has now set down the rules.

SHE decided not to tell you about SIL baby

SHE has said there is a problem with the time you visit

SHE doesnt visit you

SHE caused the row at the christening

IMO you are off the hook love! She has shown she wants little to do with you so all you have to do is respect that and leave her to it

If DH wants to take ou little one to visit then great - you dont need to go. Have a few hours relaxing!