To ask.advice about my friend.. how to be less sensitive.

[Booksngin]

I had what I thought was a close friend.

Seemed to share a lot of similar intrests.

A new woman and her partner have moved in near them.

My friend has changed her behevior towards me it seems.

Rarley texts me etc , or organizes anything.

I dont ask ,but I when bump into her or the other person, often get told of what they have done together. " oh we had a so and so.night last night".

If I go into our local pub , they are often there together wereas I would have been invited before.

They occasionally invite me but it is rare. They say they have been to lots of stuff and each party seems to mostly mention what they have done together when we cross paths.

When I see friend , she is all " its great to see you" , but she doesnt seem to contact me anymore.

The new person is very pro active from what I can gather , but also my friend has a mind of her own so its not like this isnt her choice.

I have lots of friends .. however ,I am feeling both a sense of loss as well as confusion about why would she say its great to see me , but then not do anything about meeting up.( if I contact her she seems happy to do something, but she doesnt seek me out herself if I dont do the organizing..).

IABU to feel a little hurt? Or is this just how things go( its never been my expereince before)
, do I tell her?( but what would be a the point ), and importantly how would you handle this in a positive way?

OP,
You are fortunate to have other friends.

This person isn't kind so step away from her.

She isn't pushed about spending time with you as she has new and exciting friends.

Keep your self respect.
Say nothing
Move on yourself.
Saying something won't change anything.

Thank you. I have friends of thirty years. I look after them, and vica versa, can talk about anything. Laught and cry.

If she invites me out , ( feels like scraps?!) Do i say no thankyou?

Suit yourself 100%.
If it suits do it.

But being busy by making other plans is the way.

Or "thanks for the invite but am busy, another time".

I wouldn't give the soot of knowing she has hurt.

Light, breezy and busy! is the way to go I believe.

Invest in your kind friends.

Thank you for your advice.

Do you invite her out? Or to do things with you?

What happens when you invite her to the pub?

I had basically this exact same scenario, I made the effort with 2 of them many times & never invited back so just stopped bothering! I totally understand being hurt, one I'd been friends with since school, but ultimately I don't want to chase friendships with people who aren't bothered!

She sometimes comes.
Its fine when she does.
Its just that I have to ask now wereas before it was mutual/ ongoing.conversation .
The thing is due to going out often with the other person( to which i am not mostly invited) when I do ask I can get the reply oh I need a night in as I was out with ... last night. They go out about 3 times a week by the sound of it .. so i can understand the wish to stay in ..its just that seems to be the prority , which means she has no, or few, other slots in the week to actually go out.
In view of this, have almost stopped asking. I did call on her a wwwk or so ago.. she said she waa busy, didnt offer a cuppa, so I took my cue and left. I treated myself to a coffee in the pub garden next door. I thought nothing of it ,until 5.mins latter the friend she sees a lot of walked in her house. I guess this is why i feel a bit second fiddle as it were . We used to prioritise times together but not now.

bananaboats
Feels strange doesnt it.? I know the advice was to invite her out perhaps but it feels odd. Do you have mutual mates with her ?.. we do so it feels odd if we are at a party .
Are you resolved in the situation. Hope so. You sound more settled in it than I am just now.
Another mutaul friend has had same experiemce with her. She does not see her anymore for the reasons I describe .. she had not be invited to anything anymore.

Speaking from a similar experience, don't bother giving her behaviour any headspace. Make an active decision to drop this friendship now, otherwise it will eat away at you for months.

I didn't do that. I seethed away for about two years before I finally saw the light. I'd ring my so-called friend and was perpetually held at arm's length. She was always too busy to see me because she was seeing other friends, but hey, maybe I could come out with them all some time. Except I never got asked, and one day I realised that no, I wasn't going to keep calling her and hoping she was going to ask me to come out to play. Fuck that.

I am sorry to hear that others have a similar experience ,but also feel glad ro hear its not just me .
Part of me feels like I want to tell her .
For eg she hasnt seen the another mutual friend for say 6 months I think and does not ask after her .. I dont get it !

Some people don't make lasting friendships. They keep moving on to the next shiny new friend on the block. You have your moment in the sun, then they're gone. Makes you feel discarded but they don't care because they have someone new to play with. It's a form of selfishness. My daughter had this with a 'best' friend at school. Do yourself a favour and downgrade to acquaintance status with this one.

I think you're taking it too personally. You say this new friend is proactive, and your friend isn't, so it sounds like new friend is the one asking your friend out and your friend says yes because she doesn't have any other plans on at that time. It's not like she's cancelling plans with you to spend time with her new friend. It's just her new friend is getting in there first.

BadNomad understand your perspective and I do wish its that.
This eve we passed our local pub . She was sat in there agian wirh new friend. A year ago I wd have been there too .

OP - sorry to hear what you're going through. What is quite sweet is that rather than sound jealous of this neighbour or your friend's social life with neighbour, it sounds like you are simply mourning the friendship you once had.

I think what then makes it difficult is that this friend is still there and that can make those feelings even harder to deal with. If I had to give an objective opinion, it would simply be to say that the neighbour is clearly very proactive in arranging things and your friend is probably very happy to run with it (probably values the creation of a close friendship with someone new who lives next door).

I think you could try and be more proactive if you wanted to and that might mean you move into the fold again but do you really want this? In the excitement of having a new friendship, she has started to ignore you and as harsh as this sounds, I would question how much she valued your friendship in the first place. I would just be passive and enjoy your life with your numerous other friends who value you much more.

Thank you , yes it does feel like a loss of sorts. Its great to be able to explore this . Thank you.

BadNomad i agree that the other person is getting in there first , so she has no time.
I tried that too , but it felt uncomfortable to me and a bit.competative and desperate to try ! Like pushing self on her. Competing for time.
I readna quote last night that said if they dont want to spend time with you, you.are not their priority.. it hit home. It hit home also that if I hadnt seen a friend I value , I contact them. Therefore she is either passive or not intrested.
I dont see an adult as like a cork bobbing around in what direction someone else takes you helpless , so whilst I agree the other person always gets in first, my friend does have an active choice I sadly acknowledge.

I have decided to try to let this friendship go now.. on this basis that she must be making a choice.

I feel sad now.
Thanks for chat all. I cant really discuss this in rl. The friend that this has also happend to with same person does not want to disuss it I think as it affected her and brought up old stuff re exclusion as a young woman, so I really appriciate this.