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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with my Mum for not telling me about her early menopause

24 replies

lamprey · 14/01/2008 15:38

Namechanged for this....I've got one child, born when I was 39 and I'm hoping for another (40 now). We tried for quite a while for the first one, and my mum knew about this, but she didn't tell me that she had her menopause at 42. I don't know how much of this is hereditary, but i think if I had known, i might have tried for a child earlier, and I could have told the doctor who started fertility treatment (DS was conceived naturally in the end).
I know my mum didn't mean anything by keeping it from me, it just didn't occur to her that it was significant, but I was shocked when she told me this Xmas. Obviously, I could have asked her before then, but i suppose I thought she would have told me anything unusual in her own history. It could be worse, I could have no baby at all.

I suppose I'm just annoyed with my Mum for her insensitivity-when we were trying she said that if we didn't have a baby, we could at least continue to go on nice holidays...

She can certainly talk, but she has a problem sometimes working out what is actually important, and how other people feel. Also, she's a bit confused-claimed it wasn't the menopause, just that her periods stopped...I think she comes from a generation and culture that's very shy to talk about the body and sexuality.

Just getting it off my chest I suppose, but would be useful to know if hereditary is important for time of menopause.

OP posts:
Cam · 14/01/2008 15:42

Heredity can be important for time of menopause but nothing is set in stone

I think you are being unreasonable with regard to your mother not telling you about her menopause

You could equally have asked her in the 40 or so years you've been her daughter

MrsTittleMouse · 14/01/2008 15:43

Heredity can be important. Sorry - I know that's not what you want to hear. I reckon that you're right, that your Mum isn't of the generation to talk about it. They aren't as well informed either, generally speaking, as they didn't have MN (!) and there was a culture of "doctor knows best, don't worry your pretty head about it", so she probably wasn't aware.
You're right to be angry - it isn't fair at all (and I speak as someone who had 8 rounds of fertility treatment to have DD, I do understand the longing completely). I think that it's unreasonable to be angry with your Mum though. After all, we all know that conceiving after 35 can be difficult for any of us, it's just that life often doesn't work that way.
I really hope that things work out for you and you get your second DB.

Hecate · 14/01/2008 15:44

I think it can be a factor - don't quote me on this!! But I think if your mum had an early menopause, you are more likely to.

At least, I seem to remember reading something....

Someone knowledgable will come along in a moment and tell me I'm wrong, no doubt!!

But if you're not sure - understand that in all probability it never crossed your mum's mind! She may very well not have understood for a second any implications for you. I'm sure she didn't knowingly withhold information.

I do wish you hadn't put it in AIBU. Cos, yes, you are, a bit.

Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 15:49

I know I'm being a bit unreasonable, just getting it off my chest instead of having a go at her for something she didn't realise...I suppose I didnt ask her before because I knew it would make her uncomfortable, so I'm annoyed with myself for being affected by the same embarrassment.

OP posts:
Hecate · 14/01/2008 16:01

Hey, if you can't rant on here, where can you rant?

It must be tough for you, though. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you are soon able to have no 2.

Twiglett · 14/01/2008 16:08

Yes when your mother goes through the menopause can be significant in when you might go through yours.

Yes you are right to have a good old rant

But you are unreasonable and I think looking for someone to blame .. trying for a child and being unable to conceive can be excruciatingly painful and it is easier if you can focus your ire on an outside source.

You knew yourself that not having children in your 20s can lessen your chance of conceiving .. we all know this

You knew that after 35 it gets more difficult .. we all know this

Mercy · 14/01/2008 16:12

When you say she 'had' her menopause at 42, what do you mean?

Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 16:18

Mercy-I mean "began" I suppose...but its a bit confusing. She says her periods stopped, but that she had no other symptoms. I wonder if it could have been other factors for her eg psychological that meant her periods stopped?..she says her mother "had" the menopause in her mid fifties

what do you mean by your question?

OP posts:
FioFio · 14/01/2008 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

procrastinatingparent · 14/01/2008 16:25

YANBU. Sorry to hear you have had such trouble TTC. It must be very hard to find out suddenly information that could at least have helped you understand better what was going on.

I have just had number 4 at 36, with no delay in conceiving this time (number 2 took quite a while). We wanted to have our last one quickly because I knew about my mum and wondered if it could have an effect on me.

All the best for number 2.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2008 16:29

menopause is different for everyone.

some just stop menstruating althogther and have no other symptoms.

my mum started missing periods at 50 and stopped altogether when she was 52, but she never had any other symptoms.

Twiglett · 14/01/2008 16:29

oh I also had secondary infertility which is not uncommon (ie conceive first naturally, need help with next one) .. I'd get the initial fertility tests done and check if you're ovualating and how long your luteal phase is

Mercy · 14/01/2008 16:30

I started the menopause at 42 - it's not particularly early to start then is all I was meaning really.

My mum started the menopause later than I did (by about 4-5 years, so it doesn't necessarily mean you follow your mother's pattern).

Good luck though - it is possible to conceive at 40 (I did!!)

Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 16:30

I think its becoming clearer as I read these responses, ultimately I'm not blaming my mother for my own delay in conceiving (tho of course the temptation to blame others is always there!). Its more about my relationship with her and the way we communicate with each other-nothing is ever direct, there are always things hidden under the carpet-its taken me this long to be able to ask a direct question without embarrassment.

Also the age factor-to be honest, I wouldn't have assumed I could conceive after 42 whether I knew about her history or not, so really the knowledge makes no difference. I just would like a more open and direct relationship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 16:34

thanks Twiglett, good idea-practical steps are the best way.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 14/01/2008 16:40

Sorry to hear about your issues with your Mum. If you'd like the view from the other side of the fence though - I know when my Mum lost her viginity, how she feels about divorce and sex, the state of her perineal scar after she had me, how it is now, the list goes on...
ARGH! It's just too much information! Nothing is too personal for my Mum to pass on!
So the grass isn't always greener.

Still think you're right to be angry generally about the infertility though, I don't really hold with the "positive thinking" lark and I'd rather get it all out of my system.

rolledhedgehog · 14/01/2008 16:41

My mother had the menopause at 45 and I did keep that in the back of my mind when planning my family I suppose. On the other hand her own mother had her last baby at 45 so it is not always a direct link.

Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 16:42

Mrs tittle mouse-lol at your mums perineal scar (what an odd sentence I just wrote)you know what I mean though....

OP posts:
Cam · 14/01/2008 17:41

How old was your mother when she had you (and any siblings) lamprey?

Original poster
lamprey · 14/01/2008 17:49

was 27-35 when she had her three. ds asleep on knee so cant type well. oh s**t he didnt sleep a nursery today!

OP posts:
Fingerbobs · 14/01/2008 19:58

Just to say, my mum started going menopause at 37 and her mother before her at around mid-thirties and I've just had my first baby at 35, so it doesn't necessarily follow. My mum didn't tell me about grandma until I was about 33 or so, which I thought was a teeny bit late, to be honest - I was a bit hacked off with her but also, as you say, perhaps looking for someone to blame if things didn't work out for me.

procrastinatingparent · 15/01/2008 12:57

Just found this on the Alpha Mummy blog - all the reasons which can cause secondary infertility.

Look here

brimfull · 15/01/2008 13:07

I would have been annoyed I think if I was you.
I am surprised the fertility doc didn't ask about your mothers menopause age.Mine did.

lovecat · 15/01/2008 14:57

lol MrsTittlemouse - my mother's the same - I knew ALL about it when she went through her menopause - got a blow-by-blow daily description!

To the OP - good luck TTC

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