How to let it go mentally - non-payment of maintenance

[cmschaser]

Apologies for the long rant.

The situation is that my exH is relatively comfortable (around £5-6K / month de facto net income, paid off house, semi retired in 50s). However, there's nothing on surface to attach official maintenance to (both through CMS or family court). All gifts from family, unexpected windfalls, relatives and girlfirends suddenly becoming preferential shareholders in his ltd company and drawing dividends etc. I can provide details but just trust me that I tried every avenue possible (where proportional to do so). It is a matter of principle for him to not pay anything, he has admitted it on a couple of occassions (with some perverted pride).

There are two young children, and we are divorced from before the youngest was born (he left for someone else). I managed to ambush and catch him only once, when he had to pay maintenance for a few months and then - oopsie daisie, a sudden "change of circumstances" reported again. He sees the children infrequently, lives his own life - hobbies, travels the world, returned to education etc.

I am lucky in that I can provide for the children reasonably well myself, both basics and some treats too. With 80 hour working weeks and no paid holidays, but it is still a very privileged position to be in. I do sometimes worry as I am nearly 40 and have almost nothing to show for a pension, and the only mortgage that was affordable to me stretches into the age where I will make the final payment on the house and probably move into a care home soon after. No savings to worth mentioning either. But overall it is not too bad at the moment.

Realistically, it has been going on for more than six years now, and he treats it as some sort of sport - he spent more on lawyers now than the wildest estimate of total child maintenance would be over this period. I need to accept it just won't change, and there's nothing I can do about it.

AIBU to ask you please to give me arguments for myself to just letting it go, forgiving and moving on. Especially if you have been in a similar situation and made peace with yourself over it. I sometimes just get obsessed with the unfairness of it all, at a silly teenage level of "the world is baaaaad" angst. He had just informed me that he's taking them to Disneyland this summer, and I can't even be happy on their behalf, the only thing that I can think of is "had you contributed 50% just for the childcare costs, just in 2022, I'd be able to go take them too". The children are very excited, want to chat with me about it all the time, and I realised that I have developed a very toxic materialistic mindset on the matter.

I also do not receive a single penny in welfare before anyone jumps at my throat.

I have 4 children with my ex, he pays zero maintenance and never has and even cms can’t get any from him. It makes me laugh when people say “they won’t have a choice to pay” etc, trust me many of us get absolutely nothing, not a single penny. I’m struggling to let it go as well what makes it worse is he doesn’t actually see them at all, I wouldn’t mind so much if he did and made up for it in other ways (like being an amazing father) but there is no contact.

This is so so unfair.... I can't believe these even get away with it just be being self employed!

In practical terms - Is there any way you could get him to pay for things that can be set up by direct debit? Like swimming lessons, football club fees, that type of thing? Or at least save in child's ISAs for them when older??
It's a drop in the ocean but possibly if it directly 'for the kids' would he be more amenable/more embarrassing to say no to??

Yes, I also hear "but take him to the cleaners via CMS" all the time. I accepted it rationally, just need to find some psychological tricks to let it go emotionally.

I’ve had to accept I will never get a penny off him, I closed the case as it was pointless keeping it open, there was no payments and tbh it was just winding me up more. I do think some people are very naive and just assume maintenance is something everyone gets.

He's not really self-employed, more that he's in occassional high paid work now.

His very position is - you're not struggling, so there's no obligation for me to pay. You can't say you need money for swimming lessons when I see you just had a haircut. Surely to any mother water safety of her children should be more important than personal vanity!

Yes, of course he says that he is saving somewhere something for the children, and won't allow me to fritter it away now if paid out as maintenance. I very seriously doubt it is the case, he lived all his life for his personal pleasure only.

When I asked my ex for maintenance payments when we split he said you don’t have kids to get paid 🤦🏻‍♀️ Some people really resent paying for their own kids so not as simple as asking.

This may not be an option or your preferred way to go but have you thought about insisting on 50:50 shared care if he won't pay his way?

I have been in your position. Although in Australia our Child Support system seems to be slightly different. My ex regularly goes years without paying or even seeing our children. He then breezes back in with expensive gifts and gets the kids hopes up before dropping them and all responsibilities again.

It's rough. I very much felt the angsty teen, it's just not fair, feelings. All I could do was accept that he was a shitty selfish person and focus on raising my children to be kind, thoughtful young men who understand personal responsibility.

My boys are early to mid teens now and seeing how great they are turning out makes it worth it. On mothers day this year they rose their bikes to the shop and used some of their birthday money to buy me flowers and cook me dinner.

So that is the only advice I can give, focus on raising your kids with the type of morals, that won't leave them acting like their father. And feel proud about doing it.

It’s a tiny thing but worked for me.

When you need to log onto public Wifi use his email address? Register him for random things, aging products and erectile disfunction. Those sites to become a product reviewer will create years of spam calls if you register his number.

I can't force him to do 50% shared care, and he is not interested in it. He lives 6 hours away (voluntarily), and spends a significant chunk of his time outside the UK travelling anyway.

It's hard to OP, my DD is 18 and I have never had maintenance or any other support for her, and it still pisses me off now, especially as I'm stumping up everything emotionally and physically for college and university next and have supported her in all ways with both and he's there being so proud of 'his' DD doing well when he's had precisely fuck all to do with any of it, it's been her, me and my family and will continue to be.
However, my DD recognises that now, as she's got older she's realised that the support (whatever it's form) comes from me and the excuses come from him, she's asked him for very little but he never fails to disappoint! I can't always do it but she recognises that I do my very best to support her in all ways and put her first and he doesn't and she's told him so too. I didn't push this line, she discovered it herself.

It's a small victory, but an important one to me, he's gone down in her estimation over the years, he's no longer wonder dad but someone she sees if she's got time and can be bothered - exactly the same way as he has always been with her.
I don't want her undying gratitude or anything, but it's a comfort that she has recognised by herself that he's been more interested in himself than anyone else.
Hang in there OP, it does happen, but it takes time to happen and when you're living through the thick of it it's relentless, keep in mind that one day, the kids will see the bigger picture.

Thank you! I realise this is the reasonable way forward. Just need to persuade that teen inside.

Mine are 7 and 6, so at that age when they don't yet realise that boring things cost money, but already have some "wants", sometimes expensive. Dad does cater to their "wants", so he's now the favourite festive parent, coming once a month or two, but with lots of treats. "Mum, why can't you be like Dad?".

Yeah it is really hard. I was only in my teens when my oldest was born and early 20s when my single parent journey started, so the not fair rang very bloody loudly 😅I still have moments of resentment, like another poster said, when my ex chimes in all full of pride for something he has never really contributed anything too. It bites. I remember those younger years well, mine are 13 and almost 15. All I can say is children see a lot more than we realise.

Look at raising kids as a long game. I want mine to be good people, better than me or their dad and seeing that happen is a beautiful thing. Just keep investing in your kids, it will all pay off in the long run.

Sorry, OP. 💐The only thing I can suggest is counselling and channelling your frustration into creating more positivity with your kids. And reminding yourself you no longer have to live with that man ever again. He does though. For the rest of his life. Which must be pretty awful for him.

This makes me furious and I haven’t been on the receiving end so I can understand your pov op. It’s an absolute disgrace that this is allowed to happen, imo assets should be up for grabs when it comes to supporting children and there should be far more shame associated with shirking your responsibilities to your dc. I try not to be judgmental but I can’t help but judge people like this, they are the lowest of the low.

The issue with this is that it’s hurting you and you can’t let the selfish twat get away with that. I agree with pp’s, one day the kids will realise what he is and who has been there for them throughout. I’d also try a spot of yoga and meditation, that’s what works for me when I’m super pissed off but understand it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. My dd likes to stick a picture on the dartboard and throw darts at it until she’s cheered up (she’s far more aggressive than I am) and that always ends up making us laugh if nothing else. You need to try and move past it for your own sake but it’s a shit situation and you are allowed to acknowledge that.

Would showing them a Maslow’s hierarchy or needs adapted to better words for kids work? Show them that you’re focusing on the important foundation levels that are key?

I also think that it’s also just their age. My kids at 6 were all why can’t you be more like xx person. I just used to say I’m me and I love you. Can’t offer more than that! It’s hard when their comments hit a sore spot but I think they’re just being their ages with these comments. I’ve discovered just saying nothing back to my youngest and moving on to something else and that’s been my best response yet as her mind just moves on to something else.

I don't get CMA either. I know he's working cash in hand but I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I get very angry about it, usually when something breaks and I have to juggle things to repair/replace items. However, I have kept all my evidence (CMA letters etc.) In a folder, when my children are old enough, they can see for themselves who was there and who provided. I'll get more satisfaction from doing it all myself then any contribution he will ever make.