Ex is involved but doesn't provide

[londonlife2022]

We split a few years ago, and have a custody agreement that we’ve sorted out ourselves, no court is involved. He has 3 days, I have 4 days. He helps me out in the holidays when I have to work, or have them extra days. This has never been a problem, and I’ve always thought he was a good dad for being so involved and seeing his children. And I thought I was lucky, as I know a lot of single mums don’t get help, and people would always tell me how “lucky I was” that he’s so involved and helps with childcare.

But the reality is, when it comes to providing for the children it’s all on me. To get some money from him towards the kids I have to call and text so many times, and I still end up getting nothing. He says he will help, and I should just ask him for money towards the children’s school uniform or whatever they need, when I do that he ignores my text and just doesn’t reply at all . I then call him, and he gets annoyed and frustrated and hangs up.

He does buy birthday gifts, Christmas gifts etc and he provides food for them when they’re at his house but that’s it. Their day to day needs such as school uniform, shoes, clothes, sports activities, breakfast clubs , school trips is all on me.

To be honest, it’s come to the point now where I’m just fed up, I don’t want to chase him for money towards the children anymore. I don’t want to call or text anymore, I can’t do this anymore.

I’m thinking of getting a second job, once I get that I’d be in a much better financial position and won’t struggle as much.

I’ve started to realise he’s not the “good dad” I thought he was just cuz he was seeing his kids, providing for your children also comes under being a good dad. Seeing them is not just enough. AIBU for thinking this?

Nope. I totally sympathise OP. My ex is the same. He’s a clsssic “Disney Dad”: showers her with gifts and food when he’s with her but has never contributed a penny to her upkeep.

Its all on me and tbh while I resent it over time it’s become a blessing because I have become quite good at making my own money and I am totally self reliant.

Send the dc over with the list they need. When he doesn't get the stuff they can ask him why.

Have you done the CSA calculations to see how much they would make him pay?

Just tell him you're sick of asking him for money he never pays so now he's in charge of paying for clubs and buying new uniforms and you will happily contribute half once you see receipts

Go to child maintenance service? I don’t think you will get much though if he has them 3 days a week. Btw men parenting their own children is not “helping” it’s just parenting.

Apply for CMS through the system. Just because you sorted custody without it doesn't mean you can't go that way for maintenance.
Maintenance isn't payable when it is truly 50/50 but this doesn't sound as though it is.

Can you set things up so he has to pay his own - so on his days he has to book breakfast club and therefore pay for it for example?

That's (one of) the issue with CMS though. Yes they sleep and eat there 3 days and he'll therefore have similar overheads to the op but if all the direct expenditure is from the op it's unfair. Would he be amenable to setting up some sort of account that you each pay x into each month for these unequivacol child costs? If you sat down and worked out as best you can what the regular expenses are you could work out a figure and show the numbers to him. Hard to avoid acknowledgement that way.