Pissed off and worried

[motherofdragons454]

Had a bbq yesterday with some of husband's family and some of our friends. Invited my mum who lives just at the other side of our estate so within walking distance. She declined.

My mum is an alcoholic. She has always used alcohol as a coping mechanism to varying degrees. Since we lost my dad a few years ago however it's spiralled out of control. I try and include her in things we do but she usually prefers to stay home alone and drink. Unless it's a pub lunch or something when she knows she can drink. She no longer does any childcare which is fine (her choice I don't expect it) but I suspect this is because she wants to drink and I find it so sad that she'd choose that over her spending time with her grandkids and helping me out.

So back to the bbq. After initially refusing to come she turned up late literally staggering, slurring her words and being so very obviously drunk. She was talking absolute rubbish to people and made a few digs at my dh. I was so embarrassed and didn't know how to handle it. I didn't want to make a scene or tell her to leave but I wasn't going to offer her a drink either. Everyone was polite but they clearly noticed how pissed she was at 3pm and I just felt so awkward.

She gets drunk and rings people, often making no sense or in some cases insulting them. She's fallen out with a few friends over it but blames them. She smells of booze often. If I try to bring it up she becomes snappy and defensive. Sober she is a wonderful mum and grandma but the booze changes her and I can't stand to be around it. I feel like she is a fundamentally different person since my dad died and while I understand she is still grieving I don't think constant alcohol abuse is the way to deal with things 3 years down the line.

We usually speak everyday but I have no idea how to address yesterday with her. She will try to gloss over it like it's nothing. What do I do? I'm angry but also worried and sad.

Hi, I'm sorry this happened to you. My husband grew up with alcoholic parents. He has many stories similar to this, where he was humiliated in front of his friends. Unfortunately he grew up and became an alcoholic. I am posting to tell you about my experience, because although things came to a head for us when he became an alcoholic, it made me look at my own upbringing, and see things as they really were. To cut a long story short, we had a tough time together, he sought treatment, hasn't touched a drink in a long time and we made it though the other side.

I wanted to share what I learnt that might help you. At the moment, you may feel like you are hurdling from one unpredictable disaster to another, with a sense of confusion and a feeling of being completely lost. That was me, for years. I nearly started to crack up, until I realised I can only control....me. I had to set my own boundaries.

For you, it might mean having plans ahead of time for things that will involve your mother. Such as, no more invitations to things with groups. I get that it is sad, and you want to involve her in things, but in my husbands childhood, everyone tried to pretend it wasn't happening, and just did things as they normally would, and then were all completely surprised when it all ended in disaster.

If you want to do things with your mother, there has to be an exit strategy. Such as, you all arrange to go to the park (whatever) on Tuesday. If you arrive and she is unable, be prepared for that, rather than shocked and disappointed. Immediately acknowledge it "I see this doesn't really suit you right now, we can do it another time", and leave without confrontation.

You may one day have to have an honest conversation with her. No point confronting her, accusing her, blaming her, she won't respond. Talking about you, rather than her, might be the only way to get through. Talk about your family and whats best for you.

Finally, and this should probably be the first thing you do. Go to Al-Anon. Its for family members of alcoholics. My "first" meeting, I sat in the car park and was too scared to go in! I felt like it was an acknowledgement that I had no more answers, and had no other place to turn. My real first meeting, I finally went in, and it changed everything. There is no pressure on you to talk, you can just listen. And you'll here stories that you'll think to yourself "that's just like me". It helps. It was at the point that I went to Al-Anon and also got counselling, that my husband saw I was changing and controlling what I could, that he looked harder at things and sought treatment for himself. I feel for you, and I hope things get better for you.

I'm so sorry. I've been through very similar with my late mum, who sadly died in her fifties (due to her longterm alcoholism) and it is so awful.

She did get sober but sadly the damage was done by then and she died about a month after becoming sober for the last time. She did that through AA and it made such a difference to her. This isn't for everyone, but she also found some spirituality which not only helped her stop drinking but gave her some peace at the end, which was a great comfort to us.

It's a horrible thing for a child (even grown up) to go through and you do feel so helpless.

I'd really like to try Al-Anon but there is nothing locally to me at all. I post on here because there doesn't seem to be an al anon forum either but I would like to speak to people who've been through similar so both of your replies have really helped.

I'm just so sad. I like a drink myself occasionally but i can't imagine allowing it to affect my life and relationships like this. I know that's the nature of addiction but gosh it's so frustrating that she can't see there is so so much more to life than sitting alone getting pissed then making a fool of herself. On the occasions I drink I have been known to wake up with beer fear worrying about what I said and did. She must totally bypass this feeling or simply not care anymore. It is humiliating and awkward and I feel totally inept at dealing with it.

I know I have to set boundaries to protect myself and my own kids but it's really hard as we are so close. Both emotionally and physically - she lives down the road and can just turn up if she wants to like she did yesterday. I would never turn her away but it was a horrible experience. Everything from her facial expressions to the way she speaks sets me on edge when she's drunk.

Sorry I'm rambling it's just really upsetting.

It is so difficult to understand, isn't it? I spent YEARS trying to "get to the bottom of it". Really, it didn't make a blind bit of difference. When ever I thought I'd figured something out about why he was doing it, an answer as such, it made no difference to my husbands actual drinking, despite his promises to give up.

Its a pity there is no al anon near you, I learnt so much from the meetings. Mostly to keep the focus on me.

I hate that my post might seem like telling you what to do, but I just remember how lost I was, and didn't know what to do to make it better. It's so sad to see this happening to your own mum, but remember she is her own person, making her own choices, and you have to make choices that mean you are looking after you.

Op unfortunately if your mum is in denial there is not much you can do because she cannot see a problem.

I am guessing she is depressed after your dads death and drinking is her way of dealing with the depression.
Is she interested in joining any groups that could occupy her during the day which could stop the drinking at least whilst she is busy.
Sorry not to be more helpful op

I have nothing clever to add here other than to empathise. My mother is also an alcoholic. She never really touched alcohol until she retired and then all hell broke lose. She makes me dad’s life a misery but he enables her by buying her wine and vodka, she is a horrible drunk but even worse if she doesn’t get her booze. She and I used to have an amazing bond, now I feel v little for her. Her behaviour over the years has eroded the deep love I had for her. All very sad indeed. I just feel very sorry for my dad, I wish he would leave her and enjoy his life.

*loose

It's so sad to hear that peoples relationships have been so badly damaged by this :-(

It's my worst fear which is why I've always brushed things under the carpet, I can see how that has enabled it though. I haven't phoned this morning like I usually would and she hasn't phoned me either. She will be in denial and won't think she's done anything wrong, if I call her out on it it will be me who is being unreasonable. She is a grown woman and can make her own lifestyle choices but surely when it's impacting on those you supposedly love you would reassess these choices.