To be worried I will regret having a third child?

[Katie901]

I have 2 kids…a boy and a girl (5 and 2)

I don’t want anymore but every so often I get this weird feeling that I might regret it. I struggle giving them both the attention they deserve now so know I couldn’t divide my time between 3.

is this normal?

So don't have another?

If you don't want anymore don't. It's your hormones talking.

I mean I know that is the obvious answer at the minute.

I think I just want to here from people who considered having 3 and either did or didn’t.

will I regret not doing it?

I have three. At times I've regretted that decision. He's lovely but it was so much easier with two!

We considered a third at one point. We didn’t and we’re happy with our two. Three would have totally changed the dynamic in our home and we definitely wouldn’t be able to give them the same opportunities/experiences as they grow up.

Same for us and we haven't ever regretted it. Every once in a while I wonder what it would have been like to have a daughter (mine are both boys) but I remind myself there is no guarantee a third would have been a girl anyway.

I have 3 children, but a 10yr gap between DS1 and DS2. I wanted a 3rd so DS2 had a sibling close in age to grow up with. DP didn’t want another child at first, but he changed his mind. Never regretted having DD. I don’t think I’d have had a 3rd if I had 2 children already close in age. I did want the chance for a DD though, so perhaps I would have tried for a 3rd anyway. In your position I’d stick with 2

I think I might regret it as it would be nice to have 3 adult children but I also enjoy treating the kids and worry about the cost if have another. If I was rich I'd definitely have 1 more.

Logically I shouldn't have had a third and should regret it. 3 is a lot more work and I don't manage it well! However I can't regret it as number 3 is a gorgeous person and has a positive impact on the family dynamics. Definitely felt the family was complete once he arrived.

We’ve decided to stop at 2 and sometimes I feel a bit funny about it and wistfully imagine 3 but the reality for us is:

• finances would be stretched beyond the lifestyle I want for my kids


• my career wouldn’t survive it well, sick days with 2 are hard enough to juggle and I do share them with DH but even so trying to keep on top of home life and a stressful career I find a difficult balance


• sharing attention between 2 and trying to squeeze in my own time is hard enough


• i barely get any time with DH already


• I’ve really enjoyed it as my older one has got a bit older and I don’t want to go back to the beginning with it all

I didn’t want to stop at 2 and felt compelled to have another but in many ways I wish I had as my middle child has many issues re being overlooked and is and has always been quite difficult. We always tried to make sure she wasn’t but with 3 and a largely absent father (always working, no headspace for kids) there is not enough time for everyone if they need it. Life is more about crowd control. I see friends with 2 kids and they have regained their lives - I haven’t yet. That said, my youngest is very loving and rewarding so I wouldn’t change things, but 2 for sure would have been far more manageable.

We have 3 but shouldn't have.. Pregnancy 3 nearly killed me and I still suffer the effects of this. We had a huge age gap with 14 and 12 years between DD1, DD2 and DS.
I don't regret it though.. DS is so lovely I couldn't imagine life without him now.

I have 3 b/c I had twins second time round. I love them all to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them but I can’t pretend it hasn’t been really hard. Within my “parent” friends there is definitely a difference between families with two and families with more. Holidays, cars, finances, just keeping life going are all more challenging. Illness, special needs, mental health, financial support, all can be challenging. Don’t get me started on laundry and all the meals! And yes I feel bad that none of my bubs got as much attention as they would have done if I hadn’t had a cluster of kids so close together. But they all know they are loved. FWIW I think people are mad who have 3+ kids on purpose (sometimes wonderfully mad, but mad nevertheless).

I have one and have never, for a single second, regretted not having more.

We have three. I'm knackered 😂 I love having three but there are some moments I regret it. Mostly because the youngest is coming up to two and is a whirlwind, so house is always a mess and the washing with five people is unreal!

DH and I both have our businesses so we lucky enough to be able to be flexible and we can always pick kids up, do their clubs, take time off when they're sick etc we both have a day with youngest DC so he's only in nursery three days. We tend to work in evenings to do this, so we don't get loads of free time at present. But I know this will change in the next three years once youngest is in school and more independent

I would say you notice it financially. We luckily can afford it but holidays etc are def creeping up. That said I have no time for myself so I don't spend much on going on etc for now!

In balance I think I've I didn't have three I would regret it though. I'm one of five though so it still feels relatively calm and easy compared to what my folks did 😂

I honestly couldn’t believe how hard it was with 2. I have struggled so bad, second Is so demanding and such a poor sleeper. I can guarantee if I would have had him first I wouldn’t have had anymore!

I thought I had it covered until I had my DS 😂. It is probably just my hormones talking as I am 32 now and know it’s now or never really as I wouldn’t want a big gap. I had the 10 year coil fitted after DS and was adamant that was it for me.

I have 3 and I love it. Mine are 8, 6 and almost 2. I had a longer age gap between DD2 and DD3 as I just wasn't ready to go through pregnancy again and I needed to focus on my career.

I always wanted 3, but there was a point where I couldn't face having a third (because of pregnancy etc) and I did wonder if I would ever be able to take that leap but then one day I just felt ready to. It then took almost 6 months to conceive and I was so stressed 😅

Once I had my third I felt absolutely done with children and my family felt complete. For me it was the right choice.

Pros and cons-

1. I love my family dynamic. People will tell you 3 throws off the dynamic but in our case this worked as my DD1 and DD2 are quite different. DD1 and DD2 play together really nicely a lot but sometimes DD1 just wants to read/do her own things. Having DD3 means DD2 (who is quite a needy child) has a playmate and she and DD3 get on really well also. However despite the age gap DD1 and DD3 also get on well together and play. Anyway I guess the long and the short of it is that having 3 doesn't always mean a "bad" dynamic which is often implied. This could change in future of course but it could if you stick with 2 so I don't think it's a con (and for us it was a pro).

1. I feel satisfied with my family, I don't want any more kids, there's no more "what if" or "should I have another". I love my family unit, I love my set up. I love my life basically! I'm sure I'd have loved my life if I'd stuck with 2 but there would always have been a part of me wondering what if.

Now for the cons-

1. Things are more expensive as life is set up for 2 adults and 2 kids. Doesn't bother us but it does bother some people. Life in general is more expensive with another child. We just went on holiday abroad and wow! But we don't go on annual holidays abroad every year so just saved up for the big one.

1. You have to think a bit more carefully about cars, and choice is lower. Again doesn't bother us, we only have one car so just made sure its one that fits 3 car seats in.

1. Chaos. It can be difficult juggling everything sometimes with all the kids extra curriculars (and only having one car but that's a choice we made long ago).

1. A really messy house 😅 not sure this is any different than having 2 tbh and is compounded by the fact me and my husband both work full time.

I love my 3rd child, he's wonderful. But I regret having 3. I found 2 easy. 3 is so incredibly hard (IMO). I'd personally (strongly) recommend sticking to 2.

I think you have to have a certain type of personality to have more than 2 kids!

anybody that manages it I take my hat off too! 😂. Me personally I don’t think I would like the chaos, I’m an introvert and I think it would exhaust me.

I always wanted more than 2, but the plan was to wait until DC2 was in school to even start thinking about a third.
Turns out getting incredibly drunk one Christmas with ExH, a forgotten condom and what do you know?! DC3 en route.
I won’t lie, I shit my pants. I was terrified for so many different reasons. But in all honesty, DC3 was the little nugget of joy that truly made the family feel complete. In hindsight I’m really glad I overindulged in the sloe gin that Christmas 😁

If you struggle to give two your attention as it stands, please don't have a third, put your existing children first.

Totally agree with @NamiSwan, especially:

I love my family dynamic. People will tell you 3 throws off the dynamic but in our case this worked as my DD1 and DD2 are quite different. DD1 and DD2 play together really nicely a lot but sometimes DD1 just wants to read/do her own things. Having DD3 means DD2 (who is quite a needy child) has a playmate and she and DD3 get on really well also. However despite the age gap DD1 and DD3 also get on well together and play. Anyway I guess the long and the short of it is that having 3 doesn't always mean a "bad" dynamic which is often implied. This could change in future of course but it could if you stick with 2 so I don't think it's a con (and for us it was a pro).

However now they are teens they will often go out the three of them together and meet up with friends in a big mixed age group. So the relationships got better over time and they all agree that they like being a three.

Having said that we knew we wanted three and couldn't imagine getting to 70 and always wondering what if. Dh would happily have had more but three was enough for me.

OP if you are not sure then I would park the decision for at least six months. You will then either start to feel more certain either way. Or look at the cost of university education, that might put you off!

For a long time I wanted a third, I didn't want the baby days and toddler days to come to an end.

I love my family as it is and my two get on brilliantly- yes they fight, but for the most part they get along very well. Plus I like being able to give them one on one time. I am an introvert and need time to myself and I barely get that, or time with my husband. The negatives outweigh it for me.....we would have to be tight with money (we already need to budget well), I'd be endlessly washing and tidying up toys, my body would be even more wrecked and I'd be having less sleep. Not to mention having to ferry the three kids to activities, whilst juggling my work. I already find work/home hard enough to juggle and I am only part time. This is all keeping in mind that the child doesn't have special needs/ ill health. My first was born poorly and we had a lot of time spent having hospital check ups etc. It isn't an easy road.

I think families with three, it must be lovely too tough, it must feel like a big playdate for the kids.

So there are pluses for all types of families.