To not let him see DD tomorrow?

[AmIWrong96]

DD is 6. Split with dad due to mental/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse. He is lodging with a friend and has been for the past two years. No job.

He is supposed to take DD to his mother's to have her on his weekends but says he doesn't want to anymore. Issues with his mum apparently. Although DD is constantly asking to go there but that's another issue...

He has nowhere else to have her overnight. Says friend house not suitable.

So, this weekend refused to take DD to his mums. I asked him on Friday evening if he would come on Saturday or Sunday and take DD out for the day instead then? No reply.

This afternoon about 1pm he says he "will come and take her out later today or tomorrow".

I kept asking for a definite plan. Today, tomorrow, a bloody time he is coming? Nothing, no reply. Manages to message me asking a random question about something he is planning to buy DD, but ignores my questions asking for a day and time.

Didn't show up today. I've since been asking him to give me a time to have DD ready for tomorrow? Still no replies.

AIBU to tell him not to bother just randomly showing up whenever he feels like it tomorrow and to go take DD out myself instead? Or should I hang around waiting for someone who might just show up or not...?

I just find this behaviour so rude and entitled. Thinking he can just say "today or tomorrow" and then not even let me know that actually, he isn't coming today after all...

It's not a case of not getting my texts or anything because he sent me a text asking a question unrelated to contact ("should I get DD X or Y?") while straight out ignoring my questions about a time and whether he is gonna show up today.

And if he does decide to show up and realises I'm out with DD, he will claim I am "keeping her from him".

He has form for not letting me know things until the very last minute or bailing on contact because "he's so tired", trying to change plans at the 11th hour etc. Plenty of times telling me he is coming and not showing.

Fuck it just go out if he says anything point out he needs to let you know as your busy and if he isn't having DD she needs to come with you

Any court threats meet with a robust reply like "that's probably for the best" "I absolutely agree" " or say you arrange mediation and I will happily attend"

Go out and stay out. You ha e asked him for details he is being an arse. So don't sit in and play him at his own games.

I would maybe send one more message. We are going out at x. If you want to make plans with dd you need to confirm detail before y am.

Go out and do as you please.

If he texts I'd really want to ignore but that won't help long term so I'd simply text - we are out today.

Then I'd look at going to court for access and arrangements if you want from plans and a form place he's to have dd.

Would dd like to see her grandma instead? Could you contact her grandma directly?

”Dd will be available for you to pick up at 9am tomorrow. If you do not arrive by 9:30am then I will assume that you cannot make it.”

At 9:31am you need to be driving off.

Apart from the utter fuckwittery he is playing with you, the uncertainty for your DD is awful.
I'm not sure how much she does or doesnt know about her Dad's flaky plans, but she comes first. Take her out and have an absolute ball. There is no way id waste a day of her life waiting round for him. It's not fair on you or her. If he messages you asking where you are. You say we're out having a great time. There is a reason I ask you to confirm your plans for our DD, as we can't wait around for you.

Would dd like to see her grandma instead? Could you contact her grandma directly?

She doesn't live in the same county as me and I don't drive, so due to that we've never really done day-trips, but we're doing the dad weekends there, and he had her longer there in holidays. She works as well so having DD at hers on her own is dependant on that.

The reason ex said he doesn't want to take DD there for his weekends anymore is because his mum and teen brother don't give DD enough attention... But the whole point is that it's for him to have her for his contact, so most of the attention should be coming from dad anyway.

But yes, I have arranged with grandma before a weekend with DD without her dad being there. When he found out he gave me a load of abuse and ended up going there anyway...

It's a lovely weekend where dd might enjoy just going for a walk to the park, having an ice cream. It's just not on being unreliable. I think @SingleMomIreland has the right idea, text him with a time and have an alternative plan. It does mean that you're unable to plan your own activities in advance if he behaves like this eg if you'd arranged a theatre trip. Keep records of his non attendance and general unreliability towards dd.

Apart from the utter fuckwittery he is playing with you, the uncertainty for your DD is awful.
I'm not sure how much she does or doesnt know about her Dad's flaky plans

He has let her down before so now I try not to tell her any plans just in case, which isn't great either.

I invited him to come to her swimming lessons after school one time to watch her instead of me. He said he would come and she was so excited. He didn't come. Then when he picked up DD from me for a day out one Saturday she asked him why he didn't come to see her swim, DD said his answer was "mummy wouldn't let me". She came back angry with me. What could I do? I don't want her to hate her dad... I just repeated that I invited him, promised her I did.

This is why I was so angry about today. "'I will come today or tomorrow". What do I tell DD? Do I get her all ready to go without telling her it's because her dad is coming, so she isn't disappointed? She'd be asking where we are going... So do I lie and say I'm taking her out, when in reality it's because her dad might show? Do I tell her he might be coming so we need to get her ready for him, and risk the disappointment?

It broke my heart during the holidays. He said he would come on X day, she was waiting for him, he didn't show. Didn't even text me to tell me he wasn't coming.... We were just waiting, and I was asking DD to do something and she was saying "after daddy has been" and kept asking when he was coming. And I had to say I don't think he is :( "no, he said he was coming!"

The last weekend that was his he said he would come on Sunday. I told DD and she asked to see the text of him saying he would and asking if I had definitely asked him etc. It's like she doesn't believe I even ask him. Thankfully he did show up that time, but after many texts of him saying "he might not be able to cos he needs to sleep". I didn't know he was coming until the last minute again because he kept changing his mind. Originally he was coming, then it was oh he might not (after I'd told DD!), Then in the end he did.

yes he has sleep issues ATM but he won't sort them out, hasn't been to the GP etc.

Thanks for the replies.

I didn't think I was being really unreasonable with this but I do feel awful for DD... and ex has a way of making me feel like I'm getting in the way of his relationship and I'm awful etc... So sometimes I do doubt my actions sometimes and how they look to the outside world. Just need a bit of reality check from others to give me the confidence at times, so I know for sure that him trying to make me out as the bad one in any of this is just more mind games.

I have done as a PP suggested and sent him a last text saying I need to know by 10.30pm or me and DD will be going out for a picnic and park trip ourselves, that he needs to arrange times and days in advance with me because it's not fair leaving us hanging around wondering, putting off doing our own thing just in case.

Still no replies. I've sent him so many texts today about time for tomorrow (once it became obvious today wasn't happening) and like I said, he has only replied to ask me an unrelated question :(

I've even tried calling him a few times and he hasn't answered.

Maybe I should have given him until the morning... Or maybe I should have said he needs to show up by X time like PP said... I just want to know more than a day in advance :(

For goodness sake what does this idea do to help the op with her question

You are being far too nice to this waste of space. The reality is that he cares only for himself and is going to mess your DD round and let her down for her whole life. Yes your job is to protect her as much as you can but not at the expense of your relationship with her. She is clearly already aware he is flakey. Don’t accept lies about what you have told him. Say “yes mummy did invite daddy and gave him all the details, I don’t know why he did not come”

From now on don’t calll him. All communication in writing so you have evidence. Be honest with DD If he fails to show to something that she is expecting g him at, tell her you don’t know why and acknowledge her feelings of hurt. Not letting her know in case he doesn’t show is the right idea. Don’t text him more than once to confirm arrangements.

If you think DD would benefit from counselling then seek that out.
Remind yourself you are the strong consistent parent and you are doing a great job

Op - it’s not fair on you or Dc to live with this level of uncertainty. In your shoes I’d be out tomorrow.

I'd do this. There needs to be set times.

As pp suggested I would send one more message your contact with dd is every x day at x time. If you haven't arrived by half past x we will leave and your contact is the following x day.

My ex raged at this because my time wasn't important. I should be sat around waiting for him to put in an appearance. What sort of example does this set our children. We spend our lives waiting on the one person who should be turning themselves inside out to see you.

Time to set firm boundaries. So you can plan your time and reduce your dd expectations. Is dad coming. I don't know I haven't heard from him today. Or maybe not if he doesn't come we can always do xyz.

If he bleats about rights or court as said before tell him that's great a routine and consistency is just what we need.

Please dont overthink what you shoulda/coulda/woulda said. People like him thrive off the fact you are at their beck and call youve been more than reasonable, and please do keep all of the evidence of you your conversations and him not turning up just incase you ever go to court.
In future, one text will suffice. Can you please confirm what day/time you will be picking up xx, as we are making plans. If I don't hear back from you by tomorrow at 8pm, I'll assume you aren't coming.
He doesn't even work, so he can't use that as an excuse. You need him out of both of your lives.

It's a very tricky situation to shield your daughter from, but at the same time not be seen as the bad guy because he makes up lies about you. Going forward, if you are inviting him somewhere, let her know and if he doesn't turn up, that's him that's let her down and she knows it.
Normally I'm all for shielding kids from as much as possible, but she will get to the stage that she is as dissapointed in Him as you. And I know a lot won't agree with that, but it's important for her not to put a waster like this on a pedestal because the dissapointments will only get bigger and you do not need him poisoning her mind against you.

Please look after your own MH, and don't let this bully waste your headspace.

The only other route is to go to court to get an official access schedule. If he doesn't stick to it then, the judge won't take too kindly to that in the future.

He thinks he's being clever by messing you around, but ultimately it's his DD that's being treated like an inconvenience.

stop chasing him - you are giving him the control

get the control back, in future send a text " dd will be available from 9am and if you are not here by 9.15am and do not let me know if you are held up, we will be going out"

end of discussion.

I can see how you end up getting on the back foot when he doesn't reply. Next time, message him once saying you need to know plans by x time at least the evening before and if you don't hear you make your own. And if he's late by x mins without a heads up you won't wait. And don't chase.

He’s messing you and your DD way too much and needs to be committed to being a parent or not. My DH parents split up when he was small, his DM made it clear when he didn’t turn up twice, that if he did it again, that would be it. He failed to turn up, DH never saw him again. Agree with previous posts, text and say DD will be ready at 9.30 am, if you don’t turn up by then, we will be out. It’s just not fair on DD being messed about. You can only do so much, back off with the texts, let him chase you.

This sounds exactly like my father. I remember being 8 and sat by the window waiting for him and he never turned up, it was also the year he forgot my birthday despite remembering my siblings 2 weeks earlier. My mum and us went NC shortly after that (not that it made any difference to him) as he was an alcoholic as well and was making it next to impossible to claim child maintenance (he actively moved house regularly).

I've moved on now but was very angry towards him into my teens. My mum was more than enough and you will be too but it's still shit when a parent can't even be bothered to see their child regularly. Go and have a nice rest of the weekend out and about. If he calls ignore it, deal with it later once you're home and your DD is out of earshot. I don't have any advice really, maybe if she likes visiting her grandma on his side then involve her individually if you have a good relationship.

Update.

He messages me very very late last night claiming his phone had been dead (since 2pmish when he text me the irrelevant question and ignored everything else.... Until midnight?). This doesn't ring true to me because I tried calling him and the phone was ringing. He also had the opportunity before it apparently died to give me a day and time but he ignored those messages to send me the question about what to buy DD.

So I think that's a lie and a crap excuse anyway as I've been asking for plans since Friday evening!

Woke up this morning, was doing Dad breakfast and having a shower before we go out, he starts with "I'll let you know when I'm coming later to take her out".
I replied that unless he gives me a time right now FFS it ain't happening basically because I'll be out with her.

Still didn't give me a time. Just a load of abuse (I'm no better than Isis or a pedo apparently... This is the type of man I deal with to say stupid things like this) and messages telling me "this is just more evidence that you keep her from me!"

Next weekend is MY weekend and I'm taking DD to visit my family, but he will kick off saying "I didn't get her last weekend and now you're not letting me this weekend either" (he's done this before). Because it's not his weekend and he had his weekend and didn't make plans!?

But yes, of course this is all me being an evil skank and a crap mother keeping his daughter from him and he's acting like I'm the one who looks bad in this "evidence".

He is claiming I am abusing him. Blows my mind.

So anyway me and DD are out now having and ice cream and park day.

Don't engage any further. Send e mail or text your contact is eow. At x time on x day. We will not sit around waiting for you to decide to put in an appearance you have until y time and we will get on with our day. Until your following eow. Do feel free to seek advice if you do wish.

And do not engage with anything else.

He will kick up a fuse. Call you names and fell you he can't possible organise his life in this way. Don't get into it with him. Your contact is x day at x time. My ex hated me taking control of the situation. But it didn't take long for him to realise I wasn't going to budge. And I was being perfectly reasonable

This is good advice. Don't get sucked into a slagging match. Keep it objective and clear. He'll hate it, he'll probably say awful things. Rise above it (but keep a copy of the messages) and stick to your guns don't give him an inch!