How can I convince my sister to not get back with her shitty ex?

[whatsnewpussycat34]

My little sister has been in an on off abusive relationship for years.

She owns her own house and has a good job. He lives with his mother at 40 years old who absolutely enables him, can't keep a job because he's so lazy, treats my sister like a stray dog and moves him self in to her house every time they get back together. They must have split up and got back together over 30 times.

She doesn't tell me half of what's going on but I know he's manipulative, nasty, overbearing and vert controlling.

My sister knows he's a massive cunt and no good for her or any other human being and shedoesn't even really like him that much! But he always worms his way back in and she falls for the same bull shit every few weeks.

It's heartbreaking to watch and no matter how much we discuss and she knows she shouldn't have him back, she always takes him back.

At what point to people realize enough is enough? They're not financially stuck together, she could literally just never have contact with him again.

I'm worried about her.

You can't. All you can do is tell her she's making a big mistake but you'll be there when she's ready.

You can’t

Unfortunately these relationships are hard to leave.

Maybe give her a call sign - then you can ring her and get her to see sense.

Shes probably lonely - can you get her to branch out and join some clubs - invite her out - so she doesn’t have spare time for him?

As the others have said, you can’t , she has to realise it for herself.

She is the type of woman that will never leave. And nothing you will say will ever change her mind. She is a lost cause unfortunately. Nothing you cant do.

Agree with this. She has made
her choices and it's just pointless. She will undoubtedly waste her life with him.

Sadly I have to agree - thought this might be my brother posting tbh These relationships have a weird dynamic whereby even when you know it’s wrong and bad, the familiarity of it keeps you going back for more. He may he all of those shitty things, but she must be getting something out of being with him. My guess is some kind of chemical/pheromone attraction that makes him her catnip! (This is certainly the case for me).

A wise-beyond-her-years friend told me at uni that it didn’t matter what anyone said, I would only leave my abusive wanker of a BF when I had had enough, and that nothing anyone else would make a difference. She was absolutely right. I let that arsehole put me through absolute shit including physical abuse, but one day I found him smoking when he said he’d quit, and that was it, I was finally done.

Your sister may well never let him go completely - or maybe he’ll meet someone else and take the choice out of her hands. In the meantime you can try to see her without him around, if she talks about him steer the conversation onto other things, don’t get drawn into their drama, as that in itself can become addictive.

My sister was thinking of taking a lying, cheating boyfriend back and I asked her if this was who she was choosing to father her future kids and help teach them right and wrong. She said thinking about him in those terms made her think she didn't want him back.

If only it was that simple in abuse cases but it isn’t

I'm sure you're right that it's not so simple and they have to reach the decision to leave themselves. It must be absolutely awful to have to watch someone you love being treated so badly.

I tried to tell my sister about her abusive partner but she stopped talking to me for 6 weeks sometimes it just pushes them closer ime trying to “prove you wrong”

Not loads you can do but if you’re willing to go at it tangentially, would she consider a renting a room/having a housemate…

Bear with me here 😁 Assuming you’re not in a position to move in with her yourself as a human shield/cock block - could you try selling her on the idea of renting a room in her place as a nice idea for a bit of extra cash + company - hopefully, she will feel less lonely (if that is one of the triggers for having him back), plus it puts another set of eyes in the house - it is quite incredible how much dv depends on privacy/secrecy and things that the victim will accept as routine or normal can be pulled into focus when witnessed.

Now I’ve probably not thought this through so feel free to critique/ignore but ya know, trying to live up to the username 😁

Another one echoing not only the 'you can't' message but also echoing that the OP may have been written by a man in her family who keeps going back to a useless relationship. It is very frustrating to watch them go through Groundhog Day constantly, but it's down to them to make the change.

Does she complain about him, OP? Our returner is so embarassed that he won't speak about it at all, which gives me some slight hope that he knows it's not good really.

That's a really good idea but space is an issue at her house (one bedroom) and she definitely always go back out of loneliness.

It is the most frustrating thing to watch her go through the same cycle every few weeks. I just want to shake her!

She complains about him, she actually hates him most of the time and she actually knows she's in an abusive relationship but can't seem to break the cycle

Ask her why she complains about someone she hates. Ask her all the hard questions, she should be confronted with her own choices.