To ask how to help 11yr DS have sleepovers at friends where he doesn't get anxious/upset?

[Relentlessrelentlessrelentless]

He used to be fine with sleepovers. Then one time, he called us from a good friend's house at bedtime REALLY upset. Homesick. Panicky. Crying. Thinking something is happening to us. We had to collect him. This is now what always happens. Last time he called and wasn't crying but was clearly unsettled - because he'd kept the mum up SO many times last time, I felt obliged to pick him up rather than encourage him to stay (worried about her).

It's so weird, because he's not an anxious child the rest of the time.

He's really irritated with himself over it this morning - almost angry.

I want to help him as I don't want him to miss out on things. For example, he's got an invite to a sleepover at a new friend on Friday. He wants to go but I just think it's asking for trouble. What do I do about Friday and how do I help him generally?

Have you got family members who could have him overnight whilst you trial some methods?

DS was awful with sleepovers until he was about 10, just used to get so anxious at them. He was generally an anxious child. We gradually built him up with the help of my sister in law who had him there (with his favourite cousin) for a few hours, then till midnight etc, until eventually he managed all night.
He was anxious that he was anxious, if that makes sense?! So a vicious circle, a lot of reassurance that it was ok to be worried and no one would care.

I wonder if your DS has had a bad experience of someone laughing at him when he's been upset?

Sorry to clarify when I say no one would care, I meant no one would be mean about it, that it's natural to worry about things. Realised that sounded a bit mean!

You need to get to the route of what’s causing the anxiety, rather than focusing on getting him to stay. When my DC was anxious about stuff this book really helped.

Root! Not route. 🤦‍♀️

Did something happen at that sleepover to make him so upset?

I wonder if at that first sleepover where he panicked, he’d seen a film or heard a story about parents dying which gave him the idea that something was happening to you two in his absence? That might be the root of it all.

Have you tried having a low-stakes, daytime chat, nowhere near a planned sleepover, to see if he can articulate what he’s feeling and thinking at those times?

Does he do school/scout residentials?

My DS is 13, and inly just managing sleepovers in last few months. I didn’t bother even attempting for a long time , we just always hosted ! Getting there now, having his phone and being able to text us helps. I feel a bit sad that he’s missed out on a few things, but he doesn’t see it like that ! I think the FOMO has to be greater than the fear of something happening to us, and then now that balance is working he’s able to handle it ….

Just tell him no sleepovers right now, he's not ready. As a teen you can try again if he wants to on the understanding that there will be no midnight collection. Speaking as the mother of a son with anxiety the goal is not to ensure there is none (not possible if its irrational) but for him to learn to manage it. And that's not a quick fix.

W ds2 (now 14) he needed to "survive" a few nights away from home to build his confidence. The first few (after the anxiety developed, he was OK when little) werent enjoyable.

I don't think anything happened - we are very open about discussing it etc - i think the lockdown might have made it worse. We were all together so intimately etc...it's obviously something that just gets into his head. Something changes at nighttime.

I did think we need to enlist family to help us - that's a good idea. But our families aren't close by, that's the problem

Ours aren't either, so we just stayed local for the evening etc