AIBU to think that play date child should be required not to be mean to DD2?

[Theguiltyfeminist]

DC1’s best friend (8) is here. Despite all my gentle chats, best friend is still really unpleasant, disdainful and snappy to DC2 (4). DC2 was making some silly noise earlier - because she’s 4, and y’know, it’s her house. Play date friend has been really shouting at DC2 to be quiet etc. Similar things have happened before and I’ve spoken to them all about being kind and playing nicely etc. Obviously I am trying to keep DC2 away from the bigger kids as much as possible but they are playing in the communal spaces of the house. Are my expectations unreasonable? Is this normal for younger siblings on a play date?

YANBU but rather than having general chats about all being nice you need to use your inner teacher voice and say firmly "Child Name, please do no speak to DC2 like that" or "This is DC2 house and she can make the noises she wants". You don't need to bawl the child out just be firm and direct.

Yep I agree with PP think you need to be firmer. They have been invited to your house and it’s your DC2 home. No one should ever make her feel unwelcome or awkward in her own home.

Call her out every single time.

I agree with being firmer with the playdate child. I usually went with a combo 'Stop that!'/deathstare.

Stop with the gentle chats and ring her mother to collect.

Tell her to pack it in.

I think ultimatum- "either be pleasant to DD2 or you will not be invited back. I dont want don't to do that as it punishes DD1 but I will not sacrifice DD2's home happiness for a playdate." And tell her parents!

Does the friend have any siblings? Just try to keep firm boundaries about what is and isn’t allowed in your home. But don’t go overkill, she’s 8 after all.

Childminder of 20+ years here!
You need the Voice and the Look as other posters have said.

Also, I am very disappointed to hear you speaking to DD2 like that, I thought you were kind and nice.
I expect you to show me.

(I would take this line with boys and girls)

Tell her that she must not speak like that to your younger DD or you will need to phone her mum to pick her up early. I’ve had to do that and it worked - straightaway. He did not want his mum to be called.