To Distance myself from friend?

[11Hawkins]

Been friends for a couple of years. She has a really nice side to her and we have a lot of laughs however I've been struggling with the other side to her.
She is quite negative to be around, constantly complaining about things I give her good advice but she either makes excuses why she can't do it or says she will do it and then continues to moan about the same issues. Some of the problems have been going on for 3 years and have never improved.
Every time we talk I feel like a sounding board for her when she's in a negative mind set (which is 95 percent of the time). She doesn't ask how I am or what I'm doing in life and if I do tell her things she doesn't really listen as I'll bring it up again and she'll claim she wasn't aware of that happening. So basically I just sit and listen to her.
I was away last week visiting family who I rarely see but the whole time she was texting me being negative about her problems which did stress me out and eventually I turned my phone off to have a break.
She's now started to say to me that she has no friends whatsoever, as I couldn't meet up with her since I got back as I have a lot of life admin to sort before the kids break up for school hoildays that has to be done in a certain time frame.
I did explain this and said I would see her when I've got most of it sorted and thought she'd understand that I was busy. (Everyone's busy at some point right?)
Her saying she has no friends has upset me quite a bit as I thought I was her friend yet she clearly does not view me as one to say that.
She also has lost a lot of friends as she talks about their business to other people but I don't have the heart to be so direct with her.

AIBU to distance myself from her? I don't want to ghost her and be unkind but this is a lot more than a bad patch and I find it's making myself feel quite drained listening to the same thing over and over.

Tell her it like it is. Either she’ll get defensive and leave you alone (and probably start talking about you to other people, if she already isn’t) or she’ll buck her ideas up and become a better friend.

Life is too short to have toxic friends
around.

Rather than giving up on her, you could try explaining how the friendship is appearing from your perspective. She may be completely oblivious to how negative and self-indulgent she is, or that she doesn’t listen. You definitely don’t need to remain friends with her, but if you like some aspects of her friendship it might be worth trying to salvage it by making her aware that it can’t continue as it is because it’s draining.

Thing is she's very sensitive and if I tell her how I feel or how the friendship really is she will take offence without a shadow of a doubt and be very negative about it.

I've had to tell her in the past before about other things she was doing, and she did not take it well and then went back to doing it again anyway.

I feel like she possibly has some kind of bipolar going on or something.

Sounds draining.

I’m all for supporting friends but what are you getting out of this friendship?

Life is too short.

I wouldn’t feel bad about distancing yourself. Sometimes people only notice what their issues are and start to take responsibility for them when people around them stop enabling them. If you can’t be honest with her you might be enabling her.

You're right I'm not getting a lot out of the friendship. I just don't want to completely ditch her when she's so low, I think im a bit to kind for my own good!
But at the same time I could be enabling it if everyone else has ended their friendships with her and I don't want to do that either.

Maybe when she complains about the same issues I could say "we've already spoken about this, I've given you as much advice as I can give it's up to you to act on it or not." Or would that be to harsh?

I'm not surprised her other friends have given up and distanced themselves from her. They've had to, for their own preservation. I'm afraid she's now being an emotional vampire in your life and, until you put up some proper barriers nothing will improve.

Are you prepared to go on like this for three more plus years? Tell her the truth about how you feel - however kindly - but ensure you are clear. Yes she will be hurt but you need to protect your own self from someone such so little self-awareness or who may, frankly, not care about the burden she's placing on you.

The solution, whether you like it or not, is in your own hands. 🌹

She sounds like an emotional vampire and had taken advantage of you because you are too nice to say otherwise. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of being responsible for her feelings re not having friends. If you are busy then you are busy and as a friend she needs to support you in this but instead she is just complaining about you to your face. I would distance myself for a while and don't feel guilty. There is nothing worse than spending time with someone and feeling drained after. Friendship is a two way thing and you need to get out of it as much as your are putting in!

Youre not a therapy dog.

But also not everyone wants advice when theyre sounding off.

People like your friend are an absolute nightmare to be around. Draining, needy, demanding and unwilling to help themselves. Supporting someone like that is really, really exhausting.

It is absolutely OK to distance yourself. You're not her carer, her therapist or her emotional punch-bag. You're getting nothing back from her and she has no respect for your time or your needs.

She may well have mental health issues - but so do lots of people, and most of them don't treat their friends like she treats you. Similarly, there are people with no mental health issues at all who do treat your friends like. Her mental health and her behaviour here are two separate things. They might be manifesting themselves at the same time, but they aren't the same thing.

Step away, for the sake of your own mental health.

God she sounds like a dementor ! Instantly drains all joy from a room ! You are absolutely reasonable to sack her off , she sounds like a self obsessed nightmare . It takes an awful lot of mental energy to deal with 'friends' like this. Seems like she's using you as she isn't interested in you or your problems at all. I'm in the process of distancing myself from the same type of friend . Just make yourself less available , it's working for me