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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about visitors post partum

20 replies

Mamabear04 · 10/06/2022 12:26

I'm expecting DC2 in 5 weeks time. With DC1 all our close family visited the day after the birth at the hospital and then again the following week when we were home. I really get on with my family and my inlaws but in hindsight it was all very intense and felt that it was maybe a bit much even though they stayed for only 1-1.5 hours. This time I am really not keen to have any visitors, mainly because I just want to be able to rest and also hoping it might make it easier to settle into a family of 4 seeing as DC1 is only 2
5yo and it will be a big change for her. Is it unreasonable to put people off coming to visit? How do you do it politely so not to cause disappointment.

Last time I let everyone hold the baby even if she was sleeping but this time I would like to encourage the baby to sleep in the moses basket and not get used to being held to sleep. Will people be annoyed if they come to visit and they don't get to hold the baby?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamabear04 · 10/06/2022 12:27

DC will be 2.8yo when the baby arrives

OP posts:

Spitescreen · 10/06/2022 12:28

I just said I wasn’t seeing anyone at all for three weeks. Not at the hospital, not at home. If anyone was annoyed, they didn’t say.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 12:28

You take yourself off upstairs for a rest and leave DH to deal with showing off the new baby.

BundtCake · 10/06/2022 12:30

You just say you’re not up for visitors and will let people know when it’s convenient for them to come

Clymene · 10/06/2022 12:30

Yes, go for a rest. Babies being held by relatives while they sleep is not going to affect their ability to sleep alone

miltonj · 10/06/2022 12:32

I'm having family to stay and help out with my 2 year old from a week before little one is due until a week or so after. I think it will not only help me but toddler will love the attention off my family. But these are two very loved, close and trusted people, rather than everybody coming for an hour here or there.

I think you're right on not letting anyone pick her up while sleeping though, because it could wake her and seriously Cba with that!

worraliberty · 10/06/2022 12:32

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 12:28

You take yourself off upstairs for a rest and leave DH to deal with showing off the new baby.

This is what I did. Absolute bliss.

ForestFae · 10/06/2022 12:32

I didn’t have visitors except my parents for weeks, because I didn’t want the stress.

Blossomtoes · 10/06/2022 12:34

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 12:28

You take yourself off upstairs for a rest and leave DH to deal with showing off the new baby.

This. And having other people make a fuss of the older child is really helpful.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/06/2022 12:34

I would have thought that it would be nice for your little one to see GPs etc .and it means that you have more time to rest imo..

HappyCup · 10/06/2022 12:35

BundtCake · 10/06/2022 12:30

You just say you’re not up for visitors and will let people know when it’s convenient for them to come

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to say this.

I don’t think a little cuddle on first meet is going to stop your baby being able to get used the Moses basket in the long term. But it’s up to you whether you want to allow others to hold them or not.

Thisismynamenow · 10/06/2022 13:03

Im 6 weeks pp and I couldn't imagine not having all my friends and family come around after having the baby. I did get sad I lost the first 3 days of my DS to visitors. However they were our closest friends and families who are going to be massive parts of his life. From day 3 we introduced no visitors every other day.
6 weeks on, I'm still trying to see people every other day to keep me sane.

However, it's your baby and your recovery so your choice, so it doesn't matter if others think it's unreasonable!

I will say However holding a newborn whilst asleep doesn't spoil their sleeping habits! It just helps them feel comforted!

ReeseWitherfork · 10/06/2022 13:07

DT are 9 weeks and I’ve still got people waiting to visit. The nice ones don’t mind and the ones that do mind can fuck off.

SatinHeart · 10/06/2022 13:22

Work out what you are comfortable and stick with it.

For me it would be grandparents only at the hospital - put your DH in charge of managing schedules so they don't turn up at the same time and that there's a break between visitors.

At home - no overnight guests. All guests to bring nice food for you/DH/DC1. DH to keep it to one set of visitors a day and to be in charge of making cups of tea etc for visitors (or better still they do their own if family!). Keep it family only for a few weeks.

Agree with pp that having people come and make a fuss of DC1 is no bad thing.

As for cuddling the baby, yes I would imagine people are going to want/expect to have a cuddle. I don't think in the first week or so that's going to make much difference to whether or not they are prepared to sleep in a moses basket. I think that will be more down to the character of the baby than anything else!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 13:25

ReeseWitherfork · 10/06/2022 13:07

DT are 9 weeks and I’ve still got people waiting to visit. The nice ones don’t mind and the ones that do mind can fuck off.

Oh wow! 😱

waterrat · 10/06/2022 13:28

I don't personally like the idea that op sleeps when guests come and the dh takes baby down. A baby should really be close to mum in the early days so she can react immediately to feeding cues and crying.

The idea if a mum sleeping while a baby goes off and is held by others just doesn't seem realistic to me. I remember I could barely cope with my babies being out of my arms let alone downstairs.

Obviously that changes in the coming weeks buy the Op is talking about a baby being a few days old

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 13:30

A baby can be close to it's father as well . If the baby needs feeding her Dh can take the baby upstairs, would take all of 2 seconds.

Original poster

Mamabear04 · 10/06/2022 14:04

So I probably should have said that rhe reason I would prefer not to have visitors round in order to settle into a family of 4 is because DC1 gets very unsettled when people come round to the house and it takes a while for her to relax. I think it's a result of all the covid restrictions etc. She hates to be the centre of attention with people she doesnt see regularly. She is completely fine with my DP who look after her every week/she goes for sleepovers etc but she only sees my inlaws every few months because they live over an hour away. My DH also has 2 sides to his family so it just means x2 more sets of DGP and then his siblings as well because they are late teens and can't drive so can't visit themselves. It just feels like a lot.

I don't mind the baby being left with DH but I do actually want to show my baby off and see everyone. I just don't want it be straight away - I'm not actually sure how long I want to wait. What is a reasonable time for visitors to stay for?

OP posts:

WorriedWagon · 10/06/2022 14:09

You're entitled to feel this way and to enforce any rules you like. But, I'd be cautious of expressing this to people now. I remember vividly with DS being heavily pregnant and wanting to be with DH and not see anyone else. I wanted it to be the 3 of us in our own little bubble when the baby arrived and not have anyone else in it. However, as soon as DS arrived, I really enjoyed having people around - it broke up the day, I felt like there was some structure, I enjoyed the company and I didn't feel like losing our minds. You might feel that way this time around - you might not, either way is fine and justified and acceptable. But don't push yourself to decide how you'll feel in the future right now. If the time comes and you want to be alone, that's fine. If you want people there, that's fine too. Just don't worry about predicting the future.

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2022 14:10

Reasonable time: Coo over the baby, give gifts (including older sibling) Have a cuppa, ask after you. Go. (unless they're going to be useful)

But I think perhaps you should let your older DC get used to their other GPs. Can't your DH take her and them out for a walk or to the park and let you have a rest with the baby?

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