To expect to be asked rather than told

[couldnitbe]

DH father has been unwell for about the last four year and lives in care accommodation. Due to covid we haven't seen him as a family for quite some time, although we do FaceTime weekly.

DH has been down to visit on his own a few times but not with me and DC. It's a long way and only one person was allowed it at a time until very recently.

I'd like to say that I also feel it's very important, now that restrictions at the facility have lifted, that we visit FIL asap.

He's a lovely man and I enjoy spending time with him. It's important for our DC too.

The issue is that DH has casually announce that we're going to go on such and such a date, completely disregarding the fact that I have work on one of those days.

When I pointed this out he just stared at me and said it's important we see his dad. I agree with that but I'd much rather be asked if I can book a days holiday, or if I'd mind doing that. Rather than just being told that I won't be able to go to work that day.

For info I have a part time cleaning job. I think this is part of it he looks down on it but would never admit it.

I don't want to be childish but I'm a bit put out because I would never assume he'd just go along with my plans. He's particularly touchy around his work time etc.

So AIBU to expect to be asked rather than told?!

'Sorry I'm working that day' and don't go.

That's exactly what I said. It was met with a stony face and "fine, I'll just take the kids then".

I actually want to go but just don't appreciate being treated like one of the children

Definitely doesn't sound like he respects your job. He should ask you rather then telling you.

Imo you must make it clear now this ain't OK. Or him making joint decisions will become his normal.
Let him take the dc.

I red herring in the situation is his dad. If I raise any objections it becomes about me being harsh or unfair because his dad is ill. We have seen FIL for ages.

I will 100% be the bad guy in this scenario

Don't go, let him take the kids - assuming they haven't already got other plans.

We teach people how to treat us and by giving in an 'doing as you are told' you are teaching him that that is an acceptable way to treat you.

You made your point
Tell him once more " ask me in advance nect time so i can sort work out, cuz if you don't I might not be able to come along
Thanks dh"

And leave it at that

Our DC are quite small, and to be completely honest I don't think he'd cope with the three of them, plus a long drive, and his DF.

Stop taking a holiday and going.

Youve made it clear, he needs to listen.

I dont really see the problem of him going on his own anyway

It sounds like your husband is making a problem where there needn't be one. If he wants you to take a day off, he needs to tell you what day and give you time either to switch with a colleage (if that's allowed) or to request it and get it approved before he makes plans. But if you're part time, can he not just look at your schedule and pick a day that works for both of you? Or ask you to give him a list of workable dates? It may be that he's made a mistake or bad assumption this first time, but if he can't discuss and compromise going forward, he's the one being childish and not you.

He sees no value in your job. That’s the problem. Had it been the other way around he would have thrown an absolute corker of a tantrum.
You and your job is just as important as his, and you have every right to expect him to respect your work. Stand your ground and do what you want to do with that day.

Is your work at set times and days?

Let him go with the dc and arrange your own day to visit fil.
Tell dh how lovely for fil to get two visits.

That's really disrespectful of him, YANBU and you deserve better.

He doesn't think it's a proper job, that's the problem

'I would like to come too, but we have to consider my work commitments so if there are other dates we can go then I can check if I am working or not? Dc will be happy to go with you otherwise. I know how important this is to you, so I am sure we can organise a date we can all do'

I took my opportunity at lunchtime.

I mentioned I was put out by what felt to me like I was being told our plans, rather than asked.

Apparently I have it all wrong. That wasn't the conversation. I confused him by giving him possible dates when he was just talking about visiting in general.

This was offset by several mentions of how he was put out that it seems I don't want to visit FIL.

Also plenty of head shaking and looking put out.

I don't know what planet he's on sometimes

what?! I suggest giving him some dates that do work for you then.

I think the thing with your FIL is a red herring. The problem is that your DH doesn't respect your job and assumes that his needs take priority over it.

I assume he is the breadwinner? (not that that matters but I'm assuming that's his mindset).

Do you want to work more and what is his view on this?

@couldnitbe also known as ‘back peddling like crazy without the brakes’.

you’ve caught him out and he doesn’t have a clue how to a)own up to his error like an adult b) apologise and move on.

maybe he will think twice in future before assuming you will just fall in with his plans.

The thing is I am not a pushover and I think he sometimes uses that to his advantage.

So according to him the conversation could never have happened as I describe because "obviously I'd never put up with it" so why would he try it on...but he does though.

I know he doesn't respect my job, whether he admits it or not.

I will not bend on this. Whether I'm scrubbing toilets or running a company my time is important

You are not being unreasonable.

He is treating you like one of the children and when you attempt to challenge him he responds with conversational control. People communicate for one of two reasons - either to genuinely exchange ideas and understand each other's thoughts and feelings, or to control a conversation. The things you describe include shifting the blame onto you, looking put out and sulking, accusing you of being the problem by being unfair and harsh are all classic tactics people use when they are simply trying to 'win' a conversation. The trouble is any further conversation will result in him using these tactics and others, and you won't get any closer to clarity or mutual respect.
Natural consequences are the best approach, let him handle the day on his own with the children and you stick to your commitments. It's unfortunate you won't see your FIL if you'd like to, but can you arrange another time to go when it is your day off since you can't go on the day DH planned without consultation?

Well he’d have to if he’s saying “fine, I’ll just take the kids”. If it’s a really difficult, exhausting day for him, it might make him think twice about being so daft next time.