To have a slightly tipsy career rant

[EmmaH2022]

I have just come back from a networking do.

i left as soon as I realised I was a bit tipsy.

I had a few people pay me what they thought were compliments. Telling me that my moral and practical support kept them going some days.

Two of these women, when I was helping them, I was really struggling because I don't cope well with work. So I actually shed a tear on the bus home thinking - why am I so crap? How have I ended up supporting people who are on six figures while I'm nowhere near? Why can't I push myself and support myself and achieve that myself?

I think the answer is I get no intrinsic value from work, just want the money.

These are old wounds. I thought I'd given up on doing better career wise.

I am so confused rn.

I can certainly identify with being "indispensable" but at the same time not valued or successful. It's a depressing state to be in.

I can certainly identify with being "indispensable" but at the same time not valued or successful. It's a depressing state to be in.

You put that so much better than I did, thank you.

it's like there's a career game I don't know how to play. I think people value me on a personal level but my skills aren't ones that get good pay. I feel increasingly separate from the workplace because of tech, which I dislike, don't understand and am not interested in.

but I am at fault...my best friend has just cracked on with all the stuff she hates and has the career and pay that I always thought I'd have.

Some people play workplace politics better than others. That’s why they are successful.
Of course some people get promotion because they can’t do the job or are in some way incompetent, yet know enough to keep ahead of being fired, so they get promoted out of the way.
Very few people get promoted on pure merit. Far better to keep competent, useful (indispensable?!) employees where they are actually needed - where the customer is/the front line/making the product etc. - where the money is really made basically!
Nothing to do with you or anyone else just wanting the money.

Tech is one thing I am actually ok with, but that seems to mean that I can fix things which then allow others to do their own jobs better. And of course I always help!

I definitely am not good at the politics part, I know that doesn't help.

It’s hard to unpick why you’re upset that at a networking event people who are successful value your skills. Did you offer them practical support free of charge? If so, stop doing that if you want to make more money…

You have valuable skills, clearly - people value them, they’ve told you so. How can you monetise what your own unique selling points are? Do you do the same things as them, and that’s why you’re comparing your success directly to theirs? Can you identify what you do get intrinsic value from?

But given what I’ve said above, don’t feel
alone if you don’t know the answers yet! I’m in a career slump and I think the fact you a) went to a networking event and b) got compliments is brilliant in itself. I’ve got to give myself a talking to about intrinsic values too.

Well if you've helped them why not ask them for a bit of support? A coffee and a mentoring chat maybe? What could you do to improve your career prospects/be noticed? Too often bosses will assume women don't want promotion because we're women. Sounds like these people are pretty senior and could help you to negotiate the system. If nothing else you would have a nice coffee and a natter. It sounds like you are really good at what you do. Good luck

"I think the answer is I get no intrinsic value from work, just want the money."

Switch to something you generally enjoy. I hate that I've worked long hours for years, but have a genuine geeky interest in my work.

Also change jobs often.

Thank you all for your answers

I'm terrible at politics, hate it, and stay out of it. It's one reason I freelance now.

I have been offered many chats and networking and once did a more senior job with better money but had a minor breakdown so stopped. I just couldn't cope.

I find the next level is heavily based on tech, infrastructure of companies - all "big picture strategy" stuff. I am better at the small picture, detail oriented stuff - but I don't have any interest in the topics that might make this profitable.

I did change jobs often in the past and freelance now because of helping my elderly mother, which puts a big obstacle in the way of career - mentally I can only cope with so much.

What the other people found so helpful was just moral support. I have always been the person people turn to if they need that. If you need a hug and a cuppa, it's my office you come to. I have mostly worked at home since 2018 though.

Why did I shed a tear on the bus? I didn't think I'd be here at 46. I thought I'd be C suite level with the salary to match, living in a big house etc. it might not seem worth a tear, but I never wanted children or a husband. My dreams were all about money and lifestyle.

I thought I'd got past this feeling when my dad got cancer, I resigned, took time to care for him etc. But I suppose I had an emotional flashback last night.

I feel okay this morning. The reality is I have long term depression, anxiety, probable ADHD, an elderly mother who needs me, no interest in the actual work - so I have probably done the best I could, and I won't go to my grave thinking I should have spent more time in the office.

It was just like a weird emotional flashback last night. First world problems! Thank you for listening.

"What the other people found so helpful was just moral support. I have always been the person people turn to if they need that. If you need a hug and a cuppa, it's my office you come to. I have mostly worked at home since 2018 though."

What if you retrained as a counsellor? You can study part time at evenings and weekends.

Actually, I sold myself short there. If I'm on a team and someone is struggling, even a senior person, if I can help, then I do. Luckily as freelance, that's not a factor as I probably shouldn't have.

I would hate to be a counsellor. Things improved a lot for me when I began home working. I don't know that counsellors are making six figures - though I guess private therapists might be?

Op you sound very similar to me! Not sure what the answer is but I totally relate to your situation. I totally have no idea of my value. Even when I was way more successful (before DC) I found it incredibly hard to place financial value on my skills, doubled with feeling unreliable due to sporadic but intense caring needs of a family member.

I do feel appreciated though, because I offer more than my grade to work when I'm in a good phase (to compensate for the bad I guess!) and have a kind of unwritten mutual understanding of flexibility, trust and support from my team during hard times, which I'm so grateful for. Makes me feel guilty for secretly wanting more though.

Heeb oh I know my salary value and have no worries asking for it.

i can't figure out how to make more without stressing myself or boring myself to hell.

I can identify with this a bit OP.
I moved to a new firm and role 7 months ago.
In my previous firm I was being offered a senior manager role - the opportunity to head up a whole team - but panicked, felt sick about the whole thing and legged it to a new employer. At the same time as I was being offered that opportunity at my previous firm, a direct competitor headhunted me, interviewed me and offered me a similar role with a 100% pay rise. I turned it down.
Now, on reflection, I realise I walked away from these opportunities because of confidence issues and imposter syndrome.
I've always hated things like networking and presenting. However I've really worked on myself over the last 7 months and feel in a totally different head space and full of confidence, and really excited about pursuing those bigger, more impressive roles again at some point in the near future.

@EmmaH2022 I’ve caught up with your posts. It sounds like it’s nothing to do with your employment. You are obviously highly successful being a freelance - so in a way you’ve already reached the boardroom and wear many directors hats including being able to do the work politics. - you have to, to be that good and to be hired. Don’t sell your independent success short.
I think the real problem is your view of your life. In short, grief. The alcohol and snapshot insight into what your life promised you (last nights do) has opened a tidal wave of grief and all its emotions. You started working life expecting a certain reward for hard work. But life also placed major land slips in the way, and you realised that where you are is not where you expected to be. Grief is a very complex animal. Talking it through with a therapist will help. Maybe a good solid break away might help too.
the other thing that stands out ia your talk of money? Do you have a financial worry? Pension problems etc? A IFA would help. Or have you been conditioned to align money with success? Or is work only to make money and that’s boring, and not a passion?
do not belittle this with saying it’s a first world problem - it isn’t. It is something that is causing you to worry, and that is perfectly acceptable.