How to manage this friendship

[TwoSatsumas]

I’ve got a friend, who I have known since we were teenagers (now mid 30s). Part of a bigger friendship group.

In the past 10 years she’s been through very difficult times.

I’ve been there for her and understandably she’s gone through periods of being really quiet and not being in contact much. I’ve sent her messages just letting her know I’m thinking of her/around if she needs a chat.

Shes sorted a few things out in the last year and things have been getting much better for her which I’m really happy for her about.

What I’m struggling with is she goes weeks/months without really replying to messages. I invite her out and she doesn’t reply, the day I’ve suggested to meet comes and goes with no response.

I want to be a good friend, but I also feel sometimes like I’m shouting into the void.

I don’t know whether to just stop messaging her and leave it to her to generate contact or suggest to meet if/when she’s ready. I’m not sure if she just wants to be left alone but it feels really difficult to try and keep in touch.

I’d always want to leave things reopen for her to get back in contact, there’s no anger or upset or anything from my side, but WIBU to just stop texting and leave it for her to get in touch and/or arrange to meet if she wants to?

Ive had a friend like that. I asked her what she needed from me during times like that when she wouldn’t respond; she wanted me to keep reaching out, keep texting or even call her. I’m not the best at replying either so understood but keep persevering. If her friendship is of value to you, keep persevering.

Have you asked her what you should do during these weeks/months of silence?

It takes two to have a friendship, and this is not a friendship. I'd let her fade into the past. She obviously isn't bothered, why should you be?

She's checked out of this friendship

Stop wasting your time

Does she suffer from mental health problems? I have ( diagnosed) issues that prevent me from communicating sometimes.

I havent checked out of friendships,I'm desperately sad I cant be the friend I want to be,but I'm just keeping my head above water and replying to a text message is huge some days.

Honestly,getting a little message or picture has meant so much to me,you may not realise how important your messages to her are.

Maybe give her little updates on you and some photos,let her communicate when she is ready. That way you are not investing to much but she knows she has support

Let her come to you. I'll bet she won't.

I'd just downgrade my contact to happy birthday. Merry Christmas type texts once in a while and not suggest any meet ups.

I have a friend very similar to this. She is very self centered which I never really minded but since having her child it ramped up to the point where she can't see anything further than her and her child. At all. Ever.
I'm just going to let it die as I get 0 pleasure out of it. I figure friendships are a pleasurable thing you enter in to as equals. If it's all one sided and it makes you sad and anxious there's no point anymore, although a grieving period is to be expected as with any breakup

Thanks. It’s not that she doesn’t care - it’s that she’s isolated herself and cut herself off when she’s having a difficult time.

Its difficult to keep in touch with someone when it’s one sided. I do currently send her little updates about what I’m up to but it’s feeling quite superficial now (she really doesn’t know what’s going on in my life - or vice versa - because we haven’t had a proper conversation for ages). The longer it goes on for the more it feels like small talk as she’s so out of the loop. It’s been about 2.5 years of very little contact, a long time.

I should ask her @MadeInChelt and see what she wants.

Just keep the friendship in a standby mode, ie occasionally checking in with her, so that if and when she feels in a better place to give more to the friendship, you can start from there, if you also still want to, but in the meantime you won't feel resentful.
I'm still in a long term( 10 years😬) standby mode friendship with a once good friend. I acknowledge that the friendship may never rekindle, but because I'm not investing myself in it, then I'm fine either way.

I think asking her what she wants is a good idea. I would stop asking her about meeting too as that may be stressing her more.

If she wanted to message you and meet up with you, she would. Friendship is a two-way street, even if one person is struggling they still need to expect to put in some kind of effort.

Personally I'd stop bothering.

I havde been like her in the past due to MH issues. It's horrible but there's nothing either of you can do. Some friendships dissolve because of it.

It's important you don;t feel used or that the friendship is one sided.

I suggest you back off for a while and don;t get in touch. Let her contact you when she is ready. But if she is on SM, occasionally tag her into stuff you think she might find interesting without putting any pressur eon her to commit to meet ups.

It's really not easy. I replied to a friend yesterday a month after she wrote to me, and went for a walk yesterday for the first meet up in two months with a best friend who lives around the corner. If you have MH problems, sometimes you just can't connect, even if you want to. It's hard to explain.

I think standby mode is a good idea @lightunderthesea I think I want to keep the doors open to her if she wants to talk more. I’ll speak to her if I can and see what she says (I mean, asking her what’s helpful is only going to work if she replies, which she might not do!)

Thanks for your thoughts @goldfinchonthelawn I hope your mental health improves. I think not pressurising her to meet is a good idea, maybe just dropping her the odd note/sharing something I think she might be interested in.