Will I have ’missed out’ if I never get to be in a relationship and experience love?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

And does love even exist?

I don’t know how my life went like this.
Mid 30’s and never been even close to some kind of relationship.

Would you be sad for yourself if you didn’t experience all this that is apparently ”fundamental human experience” (just read it somewhere else and triggered me to make this post)?
Or feel sorry for someone like me?

YANBU= It’s okey you shouldn’t/ I wouldn’t worry about it

YABU= What a miserable way to go through life

Up

I've been on both sides and both have their positives. Are you happy?

Kind of depends on if you are happy or not. If you are happy as you are and don't want a relationship I guess you've not missed much. However, it is unusual I guess, never to have had a relationship and part of me does think it is a bit sad if someone could go through their whole life never having experienced loving and being loved by a partner. However I only say that from own my position. I don't know what it's like to be you. I am in a position of having a partner I love and it has enhanced my life for the better. He's my rock and I am his. Partners also often can mean potential children, and again, I have children I love deeply. They are my world give my life meaning. To miss.out on that, if you want it, is sad I think. But if it's not what you want, I guess you aren't missing anything.

You will obviously have missed out on some life experiences but I am sure you will have had others. No one can make an objective judgement as to which experiences were the best.

I am married with kids and both those things have bought me great joy and also great sadness. I have never experienced other things in life - I've never been a winning sportsman or made beautiful music or surfed the crest of a gigantic wave off Hawaii. I've never skydived or saved another persons life or delivered a baby. I've never painted a beautiful picture or raised millions for a charity. I've never even cared for someone ill or dying and comforted them at the end of their life. I've never escaped a war zone or learnt a foreign language.

Any of these things would have been amazing and I wish I had the skills to achieve them but I will never ever know how they compare to being a parent or other accomplishments of my life.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't worry about what other people have done. Just value your own life.

There's no right or wrong. Some people are happy not to, some actively choose not to, some couldn't live without it.

How you personally feel about it is the only metric you can use to measure this.

I only feel sorry for people who aren't happy.

I've never been a single adult so I've equally missed out on important life experiences in many folks opinions I'm sure.

Whatever makes you happy. X

Definitely not but you will miss out on a lot of hassle so don't sweat it!

You will undoubtedly miss out on the experience of being in love if you are never in love.

But that doesn't mean your life will be worse - one life can't be compared to another - what matters is whether you are happy in your life.

After splitting with DDs dad I was happily a single mum for 3 years. I'd had some extremely shitty relationships and didn't want to be with anybody. Now I've found love (without looking, no intention to!) and it is a wonderful thing to always have someone there to bounce off. We've been together 2 years now and even once the new relationship glow wore off, what we have now is brilliant. More than I ever knew was out there. I have been in love before but this time I have truly met my best friend and life partner.

However I could, and would, have happily been single forever and lived a very happy and fulfilled life. Now I've met someone and I'm still happy and fulfilled, just sleep next to someone at night.

I would only feel sorry for you if you were unhappy.
If you enjoy your life then that's all that matters.
I
know a few people in their 30s and 40s who have never been in relationships/had any sexual activity. Some of them are happy with this and some of them are not but it's no one's place to judge their lives for their choices.

Thank you for the comments, they were really kind.

Many asked if I’m happy and maybe that was why I started the thead.
Because I’m not very happy, but it’s not all just because I’m single - I still don’t really know what I want to do with my life, so it just seems pretty pointless.
And not to be too depressing, but I just lost my dog, who was my best friend and the love of life.

Oh I'm so sorry. Of course you're questioning everything when you're grieving.

The silver lining of grief is it can open you up to stronger feelings for a while. There were new experiences and connections I had while grieving intensely that wouldn't have happened otherwise. Doesnt make it OK, but nonetheless they were good in themselves.

Now would be a good time to contact friends or join something new. Make connections.

I think the honest answer to this question is yes in the short term but no over the long term.

Theres definitely some fun to be had with relationships and sex when you’re young: the oxytocin rush of the honeymoon period etc and it creates good memories. I look back on relationships from my youth as great experiences (even if they didn’t feel like that at the time).

Over the longer term, I think relationships can actually drag women down, limit their horizons, limit what they can achieve and waste a vast amount of energy by channeling it into caring for the “needs” of an adult male (who doesn’t really need this). And relying on a man for money is a disastrous idea.

There’s quite a lot of evidence that single women are happier over the long term than married women.

I think a life led mostly single is probably the optimal one for women. But I appreciate it must be difficult to see this at your age and with the vast weight of societal pressure to be in a relationship at almost any cost.

Do you like being single?

I'm so sorry you lost your dog. I have two and I love them both dearly but one in particular is very special to me and I cry even thinking about the fact he won't always be here. I know I am going to be devastated and probably struggling to function when he goes (I hope he has many years of good health left yet).

I think that you need to be kind to yourself right now after such a big loss, and I know it won't feel like something you want to do, but maybe consider fostering another animal. You need some place to put your attention that's not solely on the huge loss you're experiencing and if you could help another animal out while you're grieving and coming to terms with this big change, it could end up helping both of you.

I understand your comments about life seeming pointless, I feel that way too (not depressed, have been in the past, just struggle to find meaning in life when I think about it) and I think you have to find something to do or create in your life that gives you purpose and makes you proud every day. For some people that's children, for others it's donating to charities that support causes they think are worthwhile, for some it's starting their own animal shelter...you get the idea. What would it take for you to wake up every day and be proud of what you do in the world?

Have you had (even brief) relationships that seemed significant at the time, but in hindsight now seem unimportant? I think feeling that way is common, as you don’t want to accept that they were once important to you.

However, feeling like this can be a symptom of depression as you may seek to distance yourself from your emotions. You are no doubt grieving your dog. Don’t be afraid to go for counselling if you feel you are depressed.

If you haven’t had an important relationship before, then I hope this happens for you as it can bring so much support and happiness to your life.

But, you can also be happy on your own. Some people decide they’d rather be single long term - and there’s nothing wrong with that.

At your age there is no reason you won’t meet a life partner. But if you want it to happen then you need to put yourself out there. And don’t just settle for anyone. Perhaps join a dating site and see what happens?

The only thing that matters here is how you feel about it and what you want. If you have never felt strongly that you want a long term relationship or children, then never feel ashamed of that. I have several friends, some of them I've known since primary school, who are happily single, are very creative and artistic, have beautoful homes and strong friendships with people they choose to be close to.

But if you want a loving relationship then you deserve one.
What do you want?

I think a lot of ''settled in to their relationships'' have missed out too. Amongst my single friends, there's a more nurtured sense of self and independence I think. I really value that in my single friends, although not all single people automatically have it. I'm single too, had relationships in the past. Never brought me much contentment.

If you're going to remain single then get behind it. If it is what you are then it is what it is and don't hanker after the missed experience of being in a relationship which 99 times out of a hundred settles in to a boring state of habit.

Oh so you are grieving for your lovely dog

This is not a good time to be thinking too hard about where you are in your life, take a bit of time to respect how you feel about your dog first.

What I do believe is that happy people can become unhappy and unhappy people can become happy - so however you are feeling right now is not how you are going to feel in the future.

And… to answer your first question, yes love exists. But it’s something you grow into with the other person as they become your family and you evolve together, becoming ever more entwined in each other’s lives. The early exciting bit is just infatuation.

Much of a long term relationship is just mundane day to day life. But it’s wonderful to have someone to share that with, along with those more special moments. Don’t write yourself off.

I'm so sorry about your dog.

When I've been really unhappy about nothing specific and not known what I want out of life, I do an exercise I was taught in my twenties.

Make a grid of 9 big squares and put one aspect of life into each square e.g. job in one, friends in another, fitness in another. You can put in anything you like, but you have to include community service (some form of volunteering) and your own fitness and health. You're also encouraged iirc to add spirituality - easy if you have a faith but if not, maybe nature or creativity. Put romance in one square if it is bothering you.

Once you have filled all 9 squares you make a list of something you can do this week to improve the quality of each aspect of your life and then you start doing them.
The idea is that you build up your whole life so if one part of it is going badly (no partner or lost job) then the other 8 aspects support you and give you stuff to look forward to.

Would this be worth a try? Happy to go through one with you in a PM if you like. I still find it helpful and I've been using it for thirty years.

I think you’re missing out if I’m honest. There’s just something nice about always being around your best buddy, having shared goals and feeling loved. If it’s something you want there’s still loads of time. DH is my first ever boyfriend but we split up when we were 18/20, had kids with other people and got back together 8 years ago. Is there a friend you’ve always liked the look of? Have you tried clubs/online dating etc. OLD can be soul destroying but keep going 💕

It's stressful. I'm glad I married and had kids, but I'd never do it again. It's been more hassle than rainbows, to be honest.

If I had my time again, I'd hang out for a better relationship but suspect I'd stay single.

DS1, 25, has decided (with 0 experience) that relationships with the opposite sex are far too complicated and best avoided. He's considering fostering or adopting when he's older, though I don't think he will.

Personally I think opting for a simple life where you are responsible for no one except yourself could be pretty restful!