My husband told my brother about our separation, without asking or telling me he had done so.

[sleepymum50]

Would you be pissed off with this?

My husband and I are discussing separating. We are still living together in the same house and it’s reasonably amicable. But it’s still very early days.

He has told all his family (mum, three siblings and their spouses) an old male friend, and a ex neighbour. I know about this.

I have two brothers, and I have told my younger brother (because he is living with us temporarily, and thus needs to know). I have also told my DD. My husband didn’t want her to know. Those two are the only ones I have told.

I had a phone call from my sister in law yesterday - and it turns out my husband told MY other brother about our split about 2 weeks ago when they went cycling together, but my husband didn’t tell me he had done this.

Im a very private person. My husband is not especially close to my other brother except for the cycling (maybe 2/3 times a year)

Would this annoy you? My husband never admits any blame for anything, and I’m pretty sure will refuse to see that what he did was wrong.

Im now thinking that I can now go head and tell my closest girlfriends ( four in total). He won’t like this because he is good friends with all the husbands.

AIBU?

I mean, what did you agree about telling people?

Don't do anything tit for tat at the moment.

How very petty all round.

Just wanted add, he was the one who said he didn’t want everyone to know and we’d keep it to ourselves for now.

I agreed, and only told my brother and DD after he told me ALL his family knew.

Obviously he shouldn't have done it if you both agreed that. I'm just curious what the plan was anyway. At what point was everyone to know, and what difference does it make?

in the scheme of things, does it matter?

Why aren’t you annoyed that your brother told his wife who then relayed it to you?

Your dd and your other brother knew. His family know, it was going to get back to your other brother at some point.

if you want to tell your friends tell them. Because you want to, not to get back at him.

Well, in fairness, you have told your DD which he didn't want you to do. So it's a little like six of one, half a dozen of another.

I would argue that telling your DD without your husband's permission is probably more ground breaking and difficult to navigate than him telling your brother.

If this is something you don't want to be discussed with people further, make this clear to your husband - there really is no need to be discussing it with everybody under the sun when it's still early days, apart from the people it will immediate affect. I would agree not to do something just because he has done, either - unless it's gotten to the point where you need to speak to them because you need additional support, in which case, your husband should understand given he has told quite a few other people.

I think he's being so unreasonable because he has no one to talk to and needs to get it out? I wouldn't tell your friends yet, wait and see what he says then decide.

I think it'd be weird if it wasn't mentioned to family personally. Agreeing not to tell people doesn't always work, especially if someone needs support from outside of the relationship - it also seems tit for tat, he told his family when you didn't want them to know so after that you told your DD knowing he didn't want to - now you're considering telling your friends which he won't he fan of?! It all sounds really childish, and tbh really petty.

No, I didn’t mean it as a tit for tat. But both my mum, dad and sister are dead. I can’t talk about it to my DD, so my girlfriends are the only ones I can talk to IRL.

I was holding off because I thought that’s what we agreed. But I really feel I need to talk to someone.

No, I didn’t mind him telling his family. He told them all, because he was at a family event.

Well if your dd knows and your other brother then it is weird not to want your other brother to know. And if during the cycle ride his brother asked he may have had to lie about stuff so probably just told him. I don't understand why you're bothered.

I would defo tell my friends for support but be very careful because they can't un-hear or un-say anything if you later change your mind about separating.

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations op, this is why I like talking to the metaphorical kettle, about x,y,z as then your confidence is kept, unless alexa ect is about. All the best

Thankyou all for your messages. I suppose my point was I only told two people because they needed to know. One brother who living with us temporally, so he knows it’s not a long term thing. He has stayed with us before. It was meant to be for two years, and turned into five.

I told my daughter, because there had been previous talk of us lending/giving her a large sum of money for a house move. If we are separating, then we can’t do this until we have sorted our finances. I felt she needed to know.

But I take on board the point that’s it’s all going to come out in the wash sooner or later, and who knows what and when is pretty irrelevant.

But I think I will still talk to a couple of my closest friends, just for support because I really need it at the mo. Otherwise it’s just going round and round in my head, and I end up making a post like this.

Thankyou again ladies

If you're telling them because you need support then do it. But they most likely will tell their husbands who will tell yours. Or at least let him know they know or let it slip.
Are things starting to turn sour between you two? You said it was amicable and tbh, I'd do whatever I could to keep it this way (within reason) to avoid a messy, nasty divorce.

I'm assuming your DD isn't his? Just your refer to her as 'my DD'. If I've got that wrong or he is a father figure to her, an amicable separation is all the more important.

That's the thing with people, I can understand why intelligence gets compartmentalized.

Yanbu, he can’t dictate who you can tell and then unilaterally tell your brother.

I can see why you’re leaving the twat.

I think if you're still calling him your husband and you're this het up about who got told when, it's going to be a brutal divorce. I think you need to make a decision about what you want to do. If you're divorcing then who truly cares. It sounds like you're really not sure and stil tangled up in what he does and doesn't do..

I would tell them. Telling your brother was not on.