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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Whole class party

18 replies

Thequeenhascovid · 09/06/2022 05:49

Hi all

DS will be 5 soon and has been invited to a couple of whole class parties. His birthday is coming up and he is adamant that he doesn’t want any of the girls as they are mean to him.

Would it be rude if we only invite his friends (basically boys :—/)?? He has been invited to the girls parties but came the next day from school saying he doesn’t want any of them invited.

I hardly see any of the parents to be honest as I work and hubby does drop offs in the morning and I pick him up from after school club

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/06/2022 05:57

I think just invite who he wants, as long as it's not more than half the class.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/06/2022 06:02

Did he feel comfortable enough to attend the girls parties who are mean to him ?

Its your decision who you invite to his party. I think if its just a handful of his friends he wants then that's absolutely fine.

girlmom21 · 09/06/2022 06:07

He should invite who he wants but he shouldn't be going to the girls parties if he doesn't like them.

Original poster

Thequeenhascovid · 09/06/2022 06:34

He has only been invited to 3 class parties (not sure if there were more as his friends weren’t invited to anymore either). Only went to 1 of the girls parties at the start of the year but he was quiet adamant after that he didn’t want to invite her as she’s mean. we didn’t attend the other one he was invited to as we were away that weekend. He wasn’t too keen on attending but didn’t mind. I mean he’s still very little so unable to make decisions like that.

we have another one next weekend and he’s very excited as it’s his friend.

I do want to encourage him to play with the girls but really not sure what goes on in school. It’s one of his targets at school (to widen his social circle as he likes to play with a few friends only)

OP posts:

Upsidedownagain · 09/06/2022 06:42

Invite whoever you / he want. Although at 5, I would have over ridden some decisions - eg if I was close to another parent but my child didn't want their child to come. I used to have parties for mine for around 10 to 16 children usually anyway, and just ignored the 'whole class party' phase, which peters out as they get beyond 6 to 7 mostly.

Some children never have parties, or only every few years. Others always have them. You can't be fair to everyone unless you always invite everyone, so I gave up on that and did what felt right to me / my child.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/06/2022 06:45

Our DS is the same age and in reception.
He has also been told if he accepts invites from someone that will be reciprocated.
He is being allowed to choose who comes providing its not more than half the class (or we then invite the whole class).

When kids say being mean at that age, it can be anything from kicking and hitting to just not doing as "your" child wants them to 🤣

If the school want him to widen his friendships a party under your supervision maybe the opprtunity for him to feel confident to do that and help him work on it.

TeenPlusCat · 09/06/2022 06:47

Fine to invite only boys, or only boys plus 2 girls.
Not OK to invite all boys except 1 or 2 of them.
OK to invite just half the boys.

Bunnycat101 · 09/06/2022 06:50

Yes invite who you want as long as a few aren’t obviously left out. Quite a few in our class have done ‘all the boys’ plus a couple of close girls. We’ve done the opposite. Quite frankly some of the behaviour from the boys in her class is awful and I don’t want to have to deal with them at a party. I’ve said that for parties that are just the girls, she’d need to either have half or less or all of them to avoid anyone feeling excluded.

girlmom21 · 09/06/2022 06:50

He wasn’t too keen on attending but didn’t mind. I mean he’s still very little so unable to make decisions like that.

I'd be inclined to say if he's too young to make those decisions he's also too young to decide who to invite.

Danascully2 · 09/06/2022 06:52

I find it hard to know who to invite. For my older one I did ask the whole class which was easier in some way sbut his class was small and I had some relatives then who could help with a hall party but can't now. This year I'm contemplating inviting only the boys for my reception child because the whole class would be too expensive at a venue (cannot face a hall party as would be doing all the organizing, clearing up etc mostly single handed). Inviting all the boys seems a fairer way of dividing the class than trying to work out who he's friends with which changes all the time... And he does seem to mostly play with the boys anyway. But I'm not sure if it's a weird way to choose!

Danascully2 · 09/06/2022 06:53

Ah cross posted with a few others - glad to see it's not odd to ask all the boys!

RandomQuest · 09/06/2022 06:56

A whole class party might actually be a good way to widen his circle. I doubt every single girl in the class is actually being ‘mean’ to him either, kids can overuse that word.

SpringIntoChaos · 09/06/2022 07:07

A couple of things:

Do you really, honestly think that every single girl in his class a mean girl? Really? I find that incredibly hard to believe!

Your son's teacher has told you already that they are trying to encourage him to 'widen his friendship circle'. Trust me...I'm an infant teacher...this is 'teacher speak' for either, 'your child does not have great social skills', or, ' your child does not have many friends'. Or both 🤷‍♀️

Trust the teacher on this.

Also...it's YOUR JOB to show him and teach him how to be kind towards women (and everyone!)...how do you think wonderful men arrive at being wonderful men? It's not by being told, 'yes son, of course you can exclude and ignore every single girl in your class from the very start of your education...go for it!' Mens clubs start by being Boys clubs...don't be that mother! Teach your son how to be a great man.

As an aside...you absolutely don't need to do a whole class party! That's ridiculous! Just invite a healthy, balanced mix! (He won't even be friends with every boy in the class!)

Danascully2 · 09/06/2022 07:26

I do understand the idea of reciprocating for people who have asked him to their party but doing it that way means some kids wouldn't be asked to many parties because their parents can't manage to do a party for lots of valid reasons. I'm sure I'm overthinking this though....!

balalake · 09/06/2022 07:33

If it is boys only, fair enough.

TeenPlusCat · 09/06/2022 07:36

Danascully2 · 09/06/2022 07:26

I agree. I think to some extent the 'reciprocation' element is bringing a present.

I don't see why a child having a party in April should have to invite the children who had whole class parties in October, otherwise they run the risk of having a party for say 10 and not inviting their current friends, but only inviting those who had whole class parties.

It is different somehow if parties are smaller.

PelicansPandasandPuppiesOhmy · 09/06/2022 07:38

Invite who he wants, it's his party and you're paying for it. Just point out to him that he probably won't be invited to the girls' parties in the future and remind him when/if he gets upset when this happens. I'd also investigate further into what the girls are being mean about, is he being picked on?

Original poster

Thequeenhascovid · 09/06/2022 09:16

@SpringIntoChaos well he is being assessed for ASD and plus he is still very little so although I understand your point, it doesn’t necessarily apply to our situation. He is being taught to be gentle and loving but that’s not the point of this thread.

@PelicansPandasandPuppiesOhmy he is being assessed for ASD so I’m not sure if he is just interpreting things differently. The teachers haven’t mentioned anything and I did briefly mention it to his teacher that he doesn’t like playing with girls and she laughed it off. He does complain to the teacher and often says that the teachers don’t do anything (not sure about this either)

we will just invite his close friends and take it from there. Probably too many kids will be overwhelming for all of us x

OP posts:

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