How do you punish your 10-12 year old?

[ihavetwelvehorsesathome]

Generally they are not misbehaving so much that it is the end of the world, but they are at that point of testing boundaries, getting hormones, perhaps being careless with their belongings - how do you punish your 10-12 year old?

We take phone away or ground them, taking their phone away is more of a punishment for them but grounding is a partial punishment for us also.

Ban screens

I have five teenagers, I have always sat them all down and discussed expectations and explained what I expect and we discuss whether what I want is reasonable, it works, it's kind and respectful, they know what my non negotiables are

You can’t punish for “getting hormones” … that’s part of growing up!

Can you gives some examples of them being careless and testing boundaries?

Need to know what behaviour you’re dealing with here in order to advise on acceptable/reasonable punishments.

Does that mean they do as all mutually agreed and no need to punish?

By hormones I mean their attitude when talking, refusal to do chores until 'later' rather than when asked, dropping phone, losing items taken out to play as not looked after properly.

I don't really just make clear boundaries and do stop her using phone etc before school if all her lunch and bits aren't done.

Punishing kids for being kids is a bit archaic imo.

Careless with possessions, they don't get replaced or if necessaryget replaced with a lower cost model unless they buy it themselves ie DD lost her fitbut so I bought her a normal one. If Dd lost her smart phone I'd give her our spare dumb phone.

If she pushes the boundaries I clearly remind her of what they are and the expectations I have for her. If she carried on I'd remove charger leads, turn the WiFi off after homework is completed and spend some quality time with her.

Depends on what they've done, I try to make consequences match the behaviour where I can. For example, 12yo DS being unkind to his younger brother will suddenly find that he is not allowed to play on the PlayStation unless he let's his brother play with him. 11yo DD not tidying her room despite being asked multiple times will find that she doesn't have a clean PE kit come Monday morning and will need to explain to her PE teacher why she's wearing a non-uniform PE kit (and will probably get a demerit).

I try not to use taking away their phones or grounding them unless they've done something huge, which is rare. I keep them as the nuclear option because then they know they've really fucked up. The rest of the time I do a mix of natural consequences (like the PE example above), gentle correction, and opportunities to "try again" - for example, DS grumping into the room and grunting "give me the remote" will be told in a calm, neutral tone "try again" which gives him the opportunity to pull his head out of his backside and ask for the remote properly, if he does then he gets it, if he doesn't then the TV stays off.

*lost her fitbit, I bought her a cheap normal watch

I have three sons who are pretty much grown and I can say that we have never ever punished any of them or had the need to.

Open communication and treat them as people

By hormones I mean their attitude when talking, refusal to do chores until 'later' rather than when asked, dropping phone, losing items taken out to play as not looked after properly.

Dropping phones - I wouldn’t punish. As it’s their responsibility to look after. If broken, they would need to save up to buy one themselves.

Attitude when talking - Tell them that it’s unacceptable. Take away their phones/tablets/consoles etc.

Not doing chores until ‘later’ - Do they get rewards or pocket money for chores? If so, refuse the rewards and money until the chores are completed.

We don't really do punishments - we talk about what we expect and why, how behaviour impacts on others and what they can do if they think we are being unfair or unreasonable. We don't really see any malicious or actively bad behaviour - most of the things that drive me mad are at heart just impulsiveness and/or lack of awareness of the world around them which doesn't really warrant punishment IMO.

I have three teens, a bit older than yours now. Put in strict boundaries, and stick to them!
No backchat, phones to be kept downstairs and ask before using, ( I still often say, nope cos the laundry hasn’t been put away etc…) it takes time but they do learn. Lots of discussion about how to help out , I can’t do it all, it’s not fair that I have to pick up after you, I do the cooking, cleaning, lifts, paying, thinking ahead for everyone so I’m tired sometimes. but don’t be cross if I have to remind you to do things, that’s my job too!!
Occasionally I’ve asked them to do stuff and they’ve refused/ back chatted etc…. I just raise an eyebrow. Then don’t take them for that pizza at the weekend….. they do learn quickly, we have few disagreements and generally rub along fine.
It is hard op but you’ll go under otherwise, stay firm.

Screens, pocket money, make them do more chores, take away privileges/treats.

I never punished mine, I just let them take the consequences of their actions. When they lost their stuff, I didn't rush to replace it and would probably buy something cheaper. If they didn't do enough housework or were rude to me, I might point out that I wasn't feeling like driving them to their friend's house because there was a lot of housework which needed to be done, or because I felt resentful and disinclined to do them favours after they were rude to me.

It wasn't a tit for tat though, not punishment disguised as "natural consequences". I was just honest about how I felt. Sometimes I might overlook their behaviour because I knew they'd had a rough day or because I was feeling generous. Other times, no doubt I overreacted, and if I realised that I would apologise later.

I have two 13 yr olds. We use consequences that follow from their behaviour. So if they drop their phone they have a dropped (broken?) phone. If they break/lose their toys they have broken/lost toys. Attitude, for the most part I just tell them I don't appreciate it and leave them to it - we get very little and everyone has a bad day. Chores I remind them again and tell them to do it now, which they always do. If they refused I'd probably refuse to do one of the many things I do that helps them out - like drive them to friends' houses - but it hasn't happened yet (so actually, my first reaction would probably be to give them space and then go and talk to them about what was going on later when they were calmer).

We had problems with attitude when they were a bit younger (9ish) and got them a therapist as they were clearly struggling with how to express emotion and we were apparently unable to help them (I've always taken a bit of a "suck it up and get on with it" approach which has worked for me, but it does mean I don't always have the advice my kids need when that doesn't work for them). That worked well.

They aren't perfect, they take soda and biscuits when they aren't supposed to. Try to sneak on their electronics later than their supposed to. Are a bit mean to each other. Etc. We try and ignore the bad, acknowledge the good, remind them what we expect of them and provide good role models.

I'm not sure what we'd do if they really seemed to be going off the rails. But in my experience, getting harsh with them never makes things better.

This has been really insightful that many opt to not ground their children as I wasn't sure if I was being soft in not doing so.

their attitude when talking,
I don’t punish, I listen. Everyone is entitled to be grumpy or sarcastic now and then. I listen and ask why they are in a bad mood. This usually results in better communication as to what is going on with them and their attitude improves. I do have talks with them about not taking out bad moods on the people you love/live with. But punishment for this I don’t do. It just encourages them to mask their feelings.

refusal to do chores until 'later' rather than when asked
I don’t see what is wrong with this tbh. With my DC they have chores and I give them the freedom to decide when to do them. Obviously some chores have deadlines, like do the dishes and start the dishwasher before bed, or take the bins out no later than Wednesday night before bed, but there is usually time and space to allow them the freedom to do the chore when they wish as opposed to immediately after being asked. I think you’re being a bit harsh, how else are they supposed to learn time management if they have to do as you ask immediately?

dropping phone
No punishment for this either. Dropping your phone is an accident. There shouldn’t be a punishment for this.

losing items taken out to play as not looked after properly.
For this I would let the consequences be punishment enough, the item is lost and will not be automatically replaced. Losing an item is punishment enough. If the child was genuinely was trying to look after the item properly (ie it was lent to a friend and then the friend lost it), I might offer to pay half towards replacing it and other half from child’s pocket money.

Yes, I can’t think of a single time I ‘punished’ my (now adult) children. I got angry with them, told them off etc but never punished them. I’d always have a chat with them a couple of hours later to talk about what occurred etc and we’d have a proper two way chat about it. I didn’t do naughty steps or confiscate things (I had parental controlled time limits on devices when they were younger).

Make them clean the bathroom. Just the thought of them having to clean the bathroom sends instant regret and apology into them.