Why can't I just be satisfied with 2 DCs

[confusedMums]

I feel very confused at the moment. I miscarried at 11 weeks last week. The whole experience was very traumatic.

We already have 2 DCs (4 and 6) and had finally decided to go for DC3. However since the miscarriage I have felt really confused about whether to try again - I don't know if I could go through it again and as a coping mechanism I have been thinking about how much easier life will be if we stay at 2 (more holidays, no sleep deprivation, financially etc). My husband has also gone off the idea of trying again saying we should be grateful for what we have, but I know he could be persuaded if its what I really wanted.

I feel like I need to make the decision sooner rather than later as the age gap between DC1 and DC2 is only going to get bigger. I feel really guilty for not being fulfilled with my beautiful family and wanting more. I wish I could put DC3 behind us "it wasn't meant to be" but I can't.

Sending a hug, hope you are ok. I’m the same as I have 2DC who I absolutely adore but am desperate for a third, I just feel like I am not done with babies just yet and have been trying for 12 months now (although at age 44 I don’t think it will happen now) Be kind to yourself, everything is still so very fresh and hormones and everything else will be all over the place for a while yet which might be confusing you.

Thank you for your reply chasingclouds. It's very difficult to image a future full of regret about DC3. I wish I could just move on for it. I hope it happens for you. How old are your DCs?

So sorry this is an awful thing to go through. Give yourself time to grieve. Just focus on you and your family. You don't need to make a decision now. I think it's possible that you are deflecting your emotions. Thinking about making a decision rather than processing what has happened. Be kind to yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Find peace. Let your mind and body recover.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

I had a miscarriage with surprise baby #2 (We have fertility issues and #1 was from IVF) at 11 weeks in 2020.

For months after, I was absolutely obsessed with getting pregnant again despite our very low odds due to fertility. That feeling is all consuming and is totally normal. I'd never had a miscarriage before I suppose I partly felt like I didn't want to finish my family with a 'sad' ending.

I've had another miscarriage since. But as I am in a better place now and no longer grieving I am no longer trying to get pregnant. I hadn't even been trying in the first place in 2020, but the loss kickstarted the longing.

If you can, I'd give yourself some time to work through your feelings and see how you really feel. Wanting to try again after a loss is a very, very normal reaction.

Please don’t rush yourself with a decision right now. You’ve just been through a very traumatic situation. Reassess and see how you feel in 3 month’s time, for example. And please don’t also feel guilty about not feel fulfilled by your DC. Everyone has a picture in their heads about what they want their future family to look like, for many it’s having more than one child, or more than two. It’s not that you’re unfulfilled by your two DC but that you feel you have more love to give a third child too. Be nice to yourself OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @confusedMums I had a mc at 11 weeks at the end of April. I have 3 children already, aged 7, 4 and almost 3. And we'd really agonised over whether to have a fourth, and then fell pregnant the first month of trying. And then I had a very traumatic miscarriage, having to have emergency surgery and blood transfusions, due to complications.

I'm very confused right now about whether to try again or not, like all over the place, feeling differently about it every day, it seems. My husband is more keen to try again than I am, so that's different from your situation. And of course we already have our third (which I've never regretted!).

But I think it's so hard to make a decision about having another child after miscarriage, and also that question of whether you are finished with having children or not, which is perhaps even harder after a loss.

I don't have any advice but just felt like I wanted to reply and to hope that the way forward becomes clearer for you.

Thank you. DC’s are 12 and 10 so will be a big age gap if it does happen but there are 12 years between my DS and me and 10 years between my DB and me and it has always been amazing. Good luck with whatever you decide to do