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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil wants ds to be a competitive runner

60 replies

WishingOnAStar21 · 07/06/2022 23:46

My in laws are very into their sports, particularly running. They love the competition of sport. Fair enough. However, when we were at their house the other day, my mil said that she wanted to take my son (who's 3) to a junior park run. I laughingly said, no doubt he'd run round the opposite way to everyone else. And this is what he would likely do. He's usually on his own agenda with his play and his concentration is very limited - he is only 3.
So my mil very seriously said, 'no he wouldn't do that. He'd love it and he'd love it being competitive.'
As soon as she said that, I thought no, I wouldn't encourage my son whilst he's still so young to be competitive in sport. I personally feel that's something that for maybe 6/7 years old and up. Not under.

I feel like my mil is putting her own interest and motivation onto ds. She did it with her two children too. She loved horse riding so they had to do it too and go in for riding competitions. I know my in laws love their running and are really into personal bests and putting their successes on social media, etc but I just want my ds to have a certain amount of choice in what he does. I'm not competitive at all and DH isn't really either so maybe it's not something I understand but I don't particularly like the nature of ultra competitive people either.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2022 10:12

What's the harm in letting him have a go and then seeing how he likes it. If he doesn't, or say granny was pushy, don't send him again and that's that.

He might love it and even the competitive side of it. My DD showed competitiveness even at that age. It was part of her gene. She didn't become competitive in sport because she had to accept she was naturally good at it but in another discipline.

There's no harm in introducing kids to different things, what would be wrong would be to force him to go if he said he didn't enjoy i**t.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/06/2022 10:16

Junior parkrun is from 4.
Most of the 4yos tend to run/ walk, maybe look at some daisies or collect a stick. They tend to be 5 before they "get" how to pace and run-all.

The event itself is not competitive. Some of the older children some of whom are in running clubs do compete with each other which is their choice.
It's known for volunteers to roll their eyes at over-competitive parents chivvying reluctant small children. For a start it's not an encouraging habit. My DCs are now around 100 runs each, but DS2 is "ahead" of DS1 because DS1 has had more weeks of turning up, doing a lap and dropping out because "it's not his week". He turns up plods around as suits him and it's the participation we value. DS2 gets more competitive about time and that suits him fine.

So at this point, there's little point in taking him until he can get an official time. If they're wanting him to be a competitve runner, they'll probably be disappointed if they're trying before 6 anyway. In a battle of unwilling children/ competitive adults, the child usually wins 😁

I never did see the tantruming "Go-Pro Mum" again 😂

TheOrigRights · 08/06/2022 10:24

I understand why you are feeling wary, OP.
I wouldn't want my young child to be verbally pushed around parkrun by an over zealous Granny.
parkrun is absolutely brilliant in terms of inclusiveness. There is a great atmosphere and can be a good start to the weekend.
It can be competitive or not - that's part of the draw.

I think the only way to gauge your MIL's intentions is to join them. If there is any sign of "Ohh go on Johnny, see if you can catch that boy up" or "Don't stop, you're nearly at the end" or "We'll get you an ice cream if you finish" then step in and insist that at this stage your DS gets to call the shots. A sure fire way to kill any healthy competitiveness in your DS is to push him into it.
You'll soon know if he wants to do it. e.g. he'll ask the following week if he can do it.

I write all this as a very competitive runner so I've needed to take this into consideration as I've raised my boys.

Sally872 · 08/06/2022 10:28

I think it is nice gran wants to share her interest with ds. I would happily let her take him to try it and if he is too young then leave it a while.

If as time goes on she is putting too much pressure on or child doesn't enjoy it then deal with that at the time.

He might enjoy it. If he doesn't he will certainly make it known.

badger2005 · 08/06/2022 10:30

I would guess that you and your dh are the big influences on your ds's life at the moment, and that his in-laws see him less. So probably a bit of competitiveness on a Saturday morning park run is totally fine - even if you don't want to encourage a competitive attitude in general.
It's kind of the same as the more classic case where you want to encourage healthy habits but grandparents like buying their grandkids sweeties! In these cases I think it's nice to let grandparents do things their way sometimes even if they are not the way you'd do them, and it all makes up a more varied, sort of more robust, upbringing which benefits your child in the long-run.

LaPufalina · 08/06/2022 10:31

My 5yo has just started and is quite fit but needs me to help her pace. No way would my almost 4yo do it, she cries if she has to walk anywhere and it's not on her terms.

ChocolateHippo · 08/06/2022 10:40

I would ask her to wait until he is at least 4, and then would go along with her to the first few park runs to set the "tone" for how you want them to be for your DS...fun, supportive and he's allowed to proceed entirely at his own pace. I think 3 is too young to leave him at the mercy of an ultra-competitive grandmother. And of course let him stop if he's not enjoying it after a few weeks.

It's not a bad thing to do in itself....I think it's actually great to help kids build up a basic level of fitness for when they start school and club sports even if they're not natural runners. It's much easier to have fun doing football or whatever if kids already have a bit of stamina and running regularly can help to develop this.

twilightermummy · 08/06/2022 10:45

I just can’t see how this would be a bad thing. If he runs the other way under her care, then that’s on her to sort out. Sport is great for kids, with or without the element of competition. I’d let him do this. It will be fun!

10HailMarys · 08/06/2022 10:45

As PPs have said, fine for him to go along and have a run round if he wants to, but I don't think I'd want MIL pushing the competitive side to three-year-old. She might be right - he might really enjoy an element of competition. But I think at the age of three he should probably just be left to have a run around - complete with all the sudden stops to pick up a snail or pick his nose or shout 'Look, ducks!' at some ducks - without anyone chivvying him along and trying to make him focus on nothing but the running. He needs to find out for himself if he likes the competitive stuff.

I would feel very sad if a three-year-old veered off course to jump in a puddle or scrunch in a pile of leaves and there was someone shouting 'No, no, don't do that, keep running!' at them.

It's brilliant to encourage him to be active and to enjoy running and walking and being outdoors - that's all great - but I also think that at three, he needs to be finding out for himself what's interesting and fun rather than being coached to run and run only, if that makes sense.

RonObvious · 08/06/2022 10:45

I don't see it as being a problem, to be honest. I love running, and am very competitive, so started taking my daughter to park run quite early on. She made it very clear that she is neither competitive nor interested in running! It's pretty difficult to pressure a kid into running if they don't want to, so if your son's not into it, I imagine she will give up pretty quickly. However, if he is into it, then he's got a new fitness based activity.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 08/06/2022 10:46

I'd just tell her 'not just yet, thank you.'

She can't make your very young child do it.

HeleenaHandcart · 08/06/2022 10:48

Let them. It’s a healthy activity, he’ll meet other kids and as you say- he’s 3. It can’t be that much.
maybe he’ll love sport, let him have the opportunity but pull him out of anything he dislikes and be there for that. If they are willing to give him opportunities and put the effort in embrace it.
it can be hard to get kids active.

watcherintherye · 08/06/2022 10:48

I am a professional athlete myself (swimmer) but I am crystal clear that until kids are teenagers, sport and training is fun.

How does that work with swimming? I thought the training regimes for competitive swimming were notoriously rigorous, taken very seriously and started at quite a young age?

Rememberallball · 08/06/2022 10:49

I think it’s one thing for a family to do something like park run together but quite another for a grandparent to be pushing such a young child into it because she sees it as an opening to competitive sport.

YANBU to ‘run in the opposite direction’ (pun fully intended) from MiL’s suggestion if its not something you as a family are involved in or want to be. Plenty of time for your DS to find whatever sport he enjoys whether it’s Park Run, football or ballet!!

luckylavender · 08/06/2022 10:52

Your title is so misleading

MintJulia · 08/06/2022 10:53

Why don't you both take him. He'll bumble around, you'll be able to see if he likes it and mil will be able to run on her own if your ds decides to do his own thing.

FlickeringGreenLight · 08/06/2022 10:57

Mariposista · 08/06/2022 09:54

Junior park run is a fantastic way for families to enjoy sport and being outdoors together in a non-competitive environment. 3 is quite young - most kids start at around 6, and if he is going to enjoy it, it has to be kept fun, not focussing on being the fastest. I am a professional athlete myself (swimmer) but I am crystal clear that until kids are teenagers, sport and training is fun.

I don't agree with this one. There are junior competitions that require enormous preparation both physically and mentally.

I was a competitive swimmer growing up and I definitely was not training for "fun" - sure I loved it, but our training regimen was quite brutal at times, way before we reached teenage years.

Original poster

WishingOnAStar21 · 08/06/2022 10:58

Yes, it's more my mil being competitive about it that put me off. I'm all for my son being active and having fun but I just know what the in-laws are like with sport. It's a bit much.
I'm not against running and happy for ds to give it a go at some point in the future. For now, I'm not sure he'd get much from it to be honest.
What he absolutely loves is climbing and seems to have a natural ability for it which has been totally child led. So we're now taking him to a toddler bouldering group which is great and he can totally free style it there.

I think the fact my mil is the sporty, pushy, competitive type and that's how she parented her children, that just doesn't fit with how myself and DH are. I just don't want her putting that way of being onto ds.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 08/06/2022 11:15

watcherintherye · 08/06/2022 10:48

I am a professional athlete myself (swimmer) but I am crystal clear that until kids are teenagers, sport and training is fun.

How does that work with swimming? I thought the training regimes for competitive swimming were notoriously rigorous, taken very seriously and started at quite a young age?

You are absolutely right, they are which is why we often lose really good swimmers at around the 15/16 year old mark as they can't take the pressure anymore. My kids (6 and 8) are into tennis and athletics respectively, and we just keep the language positive about it, don't push winning, focus on the enjoyment side and are certainly not pushing the careful diets on the kids that DH and I have to follow when we are in peak training season. We keep everything in perspective.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/06/2022 11:16

Go along to one first to watch and decide if he would like it.
I hate sport and am not competitive in the slightest. I still gave all my 3 the chance to have a go at lots of things under 10. 2 out of the 3 take after me! But 1, the youngest is decent in a couple of things.

Excited101 · 08/06/2022 11:21

I’ve taken children from 4 to the adult parkrun which is 5k, we walked when we needed to and ran most of it. 5 years + could run the whole thing. JPR is only 2k but yes, from 4 years old. It could be a lovely activity for him.

LizzieBet14 · 08/06/2022 11:22

My DS has taken part in a fair few sports over the years and the 'running' parents are by far the most competitive/worst. The majority are ex-runners themselves. It's painful/excruciating to watch & listen to them.

I share OP's concerns about where the grandparents are heading with this....

ThoseFiveWords · 08/06/2022 11:32

I don’t really understand the problem. Just say no thanks, maybe when he’s older. He’s your child not hers, she can’t take him without you knowing, so there’s not really anything else to say.

Onlyhuman123 · 08/06/2022 11:34

He's your child...you and your DH get to decide what your DC might like to try, not your MiL.

Mischance · 08/06/2022 11:36

Tell the PIL to butt out - you and your partner decide what your children do, and what you feel is appropriate.

Personally I am against encouraging too much competitiveness - some children hate it. Let him find whether this is his thing in his own good time.

My oldest DD stopped to pick a daisy in her first school sports race - and she was very happy to have found it! The fact that she rolled up late at the finish line mattered not one jot to her - good on her!!

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