To ask if anyone else just doesn’t really get on with their family?

[Rockellsspecial]

I feel so sad about this but I really struggle to be around my parents (and my siblings really but it’s not so bad them, there’s definitely more in common/ better convo, we’re just not close) for too long.

My parents just recently moved nearer to us and because of that I’ve felt like I have to spend a lot of time with them, especially as they keep hinting they’re bored/ lonely.

DH and I went out for a meal with them tonight as they asked us to, honestly I probably should’ve cancelled as I’d had a long day at work and was knackered but we went, however within about 5 mins I was irritated. I feel so bad because I’m so moody/ not a nice person when I’m around them, in fact I hate the person I am when I’m around them as it just isn’t me at all. Around my friends I’m so smiley and happy, they wouldn’t recognise me from the moody, snappy bitch I am with them.

Just for the record, I had a pretty shit childhood and they really haven’t been great parents but I also have a fear of being alone or ending up alone so try and keep a relationship with family, I also have a sense of duty and I guess love for them, but there is A LOT of resentment there from me to them which will never go I don’t think.

They just don’t do anything anymore, they’re retired and literally do nothing other than watch the antiques roadshow and go to sainsbury’s. They’ve lost all their friends in recent years (I think because other people have realised how weird/ irritating they can be, as harsh as that sounds) They’ll occasionally go on a walk but that’s it so I just really struggle to make conversation with them as there’s just nothing to talk about.

Tonight was just awful, awkward silences, me being moody, my mum taking ‘happy smiley’ snaps to upload to Facebook to ensure everyone thought we were having a wonderful, family time as she always likes to do 🙄 It got to a point when we were sitting there when I just felt like saying, why are we bothering?! We don’t like each other, we rub each other up the wrong way and have nothing in common, why are we bothering?

Perhaps I need to see them less, this is the 6th time in 4 weeks which is actually quite a lot for us really. I think I just feel guilty as they’re not far from us now and so I feel like I don’t really have an excuse to not see them at least once a week.

I can’t be the only person who doesn’t want to completely disown their parents but also doesn’t have much in common with them/ get on that well with them? Is there a middle ground? What do you do?

Does anyone else feel like this? I just feel sad tonight :-(

My mum lives round the corner from me. I've posted on here before about her - basically she thinks I'm the village idiot and my sister is a genius. It's hard to be around her at times. We don't have very much in common.

I try to pop over for a coffee, which only takes half an hour, once every couple of weeks. I'll have dinner with her once every couple of months. We're both happy at this level of interaction.

I feel like this.

My parents were awful when I was growing up. Their marriage was awful: arguing; verbal abuse; silent treatment; unpredictable rages. They were so wrapped up in their own problems that they were emotionally neglectful of me and my siblings and then relied on us for emotional support when their marriage nearly broke up.

As an adult I keep my distance for my own emotional protection. I have to steel myself to spend time with them even though for the most part now things are fine but I don't think I trust them.

It is sad but you have to do what's best for you. Maybe encourage them to get some hobbies so they make some friends and at least have things to talk about.

Mother died in 2020 had to contact sisters for their addresses for inheritance - sent each a cheque not one said thanks for organising EVERYTHING - I dealt with everything, police, coroner, insurance, bank, funeral directors. I didn’t bother to tell them what funeral I’d arranged and no one asked

that was the femur 1st time in 30 years that I’d had contact with any of them. Niece and nephew got in touch for a few months and as soon as I sent them their inheritance off they fucked … fucking vultures the lot of them

I think you've hit it on the head by saying you're seeing too much of them. What about once a month?

I don’t get on with my mum she is very very judgemental

Me. I'm not close to my parents. No horrifying abuse or anything, we just don't get on. They're enormously critical - especially my "D"M and just not very nice to spend time around. DM is also really bitter for some reason and just finds it really hard to be happy for anyone else, which is exhausting. She can't bear I have a different life to her and feels the need to attack it relentlessly.

I live 3000 miles away. Talk to them once a week and text a few times in between and that's enough. I haven't seen them since 2019 because of COVID and it's probably the best thing to happen to our relationship tbh.

Yeh I definitely need a bit of a break from them for a couple of weeks I think. The trouble is, I’ve gone a couple of months without seeing them before and there still hasn’t been a lot more to talk about because what they do doesn’t really change. I always feel like I’m just blathering on about myself all the time whenever we meet up which I know is rude but if I don’t talk about myself and what I’ve been up to then I really don’t know what to say to them.

To be fair, the last few times I’ve seen them it hasn’t been too bad as I’ve really tried to keep my moodiness/ irritation in check so the atmosphere hasn’t been too bad, but tonight I just felt so tired and drained and didn’t have the energy to keep carrying the conversation or put up with their irritating ways (know how harsh that sounds, can’t be bothered to go into their irritating ways on here but they definitely have them, I mean we all do, I’m by no means perfect but they really are difficult people to be around)

My siblings need to start making more of an effort with them too, I think because they live nearest us now (but still only 45 mins from both my siblings) it’s almost been unilaterally decided that we’ll see them all the time and they can just bother once a month or two.

Anyway, I could go on dissecting this all night, it just sucks when I see all of my friends with their parents and they genuinely do all get on really well and have loads in common and I just feel so sad that I’ll never have that 😞

You are not alone. I struggle massively with my parents. In my adult years I tried to make an effort but to cut a long story short it all blew up in my face and I wondered why I bothered. Nowadays I keep them at arms length. I see them often like OP as they live close by and I’m an only child but I keep it short. Pop in to do their admin and help sort out stuff then leave before anything can get too intense.

My mother is v judgemental and some would have described her as strict while other abusive in my childhood / youth. She gives me bad self esteem and is the devil on my shoulder making me doubt every aspect of my life. My dad always is steadfast on her side even if he knows it is wrong.

Counselling helped me come to terms with this. I also was jealous of other peoples upbringing as mine was undoubtedly shit. And in my later years I tried to create the Walton’s with my family paying for trips and trying to mend what was broken. In the end I realised you can only mend yourself and you can’t force other people to change. They are old now and I’ll never abandon them but I have more realistic expectations now which is less pressure on both sides.

I think I just feel embarrassed about my moodiness tonight, didn’t help my husband kept commenting going ‘ohhh rockellsspecial’s so moody tonight’ and mocking me with my mum who then decided to join in and for 10 minutes both just sat there doing childish, irritating shite and saying ‘ohhh, see she’s getting annoyed haha’ it ended with me snapping at my husband ‘okay that’s enough now’ because honestly after like 2 mins it just wasn’t funny and I was pissed off as him as he knows about the relationship between my parents and I so he’d know exactly why I was being moody and yet did that.

I just hate the person I become when I’m around them, I know my parents went home tonight sad and deflated and fed up of my ‘moodiness’ we all couldn’t wait to get away from each other which is just sad really.

Anyway, I’m just repeating myself on this thread now, tomorrow’s a new day, I’m going to ignore my parents for a bit, I’ve got lots on with friends over the next couple of weeks so won’t really be available anyway so am going to take a step back.

Totally get where you're coming from, I feel exactly the same way about my dad. Too sad and yes I get envious of everyone else who seems to get on well with their parents. Your partner was bang out of order though.

Why dont you see them while doing an activity. A walk or something so then there are things to comment on, and if there is silence it's less awkward. Or some other activity that you could do together that might turn out to be a new hobby for them.

Its interesting what you say about your siblings though that because you are closer that they might think that you can visit and they can get away with it less...like it's a duty for all of you and if one of you doesn't visit then the others have to. That isn't the case, you can all, individually, visit as much or as little as you want (from an outsiders point if view, I know there are more complicated dynamics within each family) and it's not them putting this obligation on you, its you

Me - I’m no contact with my horrible abusive mother, my father I see maybe once or twice a year, he is racist, sexist, anti-English horror who is always getting banned off FB. He couldn’t really give a toss about his grand DC. probably has trouble remembering their names. I have a brother I see him now and again but his wife has sided with my mother and is hostile too. On DHs side both parents dead and a crazy SIL who doesn’t really want to know us. So we basically have no close family 🙁

My family has been awful my whole life. My sister and mum are a club I'm not in. I'm an after thought. However, we make it work. Do your own thing. Don't let your family ruin your life. Your husband was being a tit. He should be on your side IMO.

You need to take them to an escape room